Giving robots a bad name since 2007.

T:SCC Episode 22 - Earthlings Welcome Here
The final episode of the year ends on a kind-of cliff hanger.
T:SCC Episode 21 - Alpine Fields
B.A.G carrying around a tiny little baby and Terminator on Terminator action. What more could a girl ask for?
T:SCC Episode 20 - Self Made Man
Robots, yeah, see? Yeah.

T:SCC Episode 22 - Earthlings Welcome Here

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Well. Maybe there won't be a Riley anymore? Just as I was starting to like her, too.

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T:SCC Episode 21 - Alpine Fields

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There's a lot of bouncing back and forth between the present, the near past, and the distant future. I hope you brought your flashback seatbelt. It might get bumpy.

It also appears that they have totally stopped caring whether or not new audience members know what's going on or not. This episode is the television equivalent of your dad throwing you in the lake and telling you to either sink or swim.

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T:SCC Episode 20 - Self Made Man

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Are you tired of all the flash-fowarding this show does? Would you like a good old-fashioned flash back to the past? Well, saddle up. This episode will guarantee to satisfy.

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T:SCC Episode 19 - Strange Things Happen at the One Two Point

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One thing I noticed about this episode: A lot of what I wrote last week, I didn't have to change (in terms of structure) this week. Scene one starts where scene one started last week. Scenes with Jesse and Derek happen right where they happened last week. But these past two episodes have been great, so... keep it up?

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T:SCC 18 - Complications

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EXT. MEXICO - SHALLOW GRAVE OF CROMARTIE

Sarah is HAVING A DREAM about how SHE AND CAMERON ARE MORMONS OR SOMETHING and JOHN SPRINGS UP OUT OF THE GROUND with the help of TERMINATOR CACTUSES.

She WAKES UP in the back of the Connormobil, on its way back to Los Angeles from Mexico. They STOP THE CAR so she can THROW UP on the side of the road, and that's when Sarah NOTICES A TURTLE on its back. She PICKS IT UP and TURNS IT OVER.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT

Sarah is IN BED with THE FLU OR SOMETHING. She INSISTS that Cameron and John IMMEDIATELY GO BACK TO MEXICO to catch whatever virus she caught BURN CROMARTIE'S BODY.

INT. DEREK'S VEHICLE

Derek gets a PHONE CALL from Jesse (STEPHANIE JACOBSEN).

JESSE
You. Here. Now.

INT. WAREHOUSE

JESSE
I kidnapped Richard Schiff from the mall.

Jesse LEADS DEREK into one of the box car container things stacked in the warehouse. RICHARD SCHIFF is in there, bound and gagged.

JESSE
He's a bad guy. You should trust me on this.

INT. CONNORMOBILE - ON THE WAY BACK TO MEXICO

SUMMER GLAU
I like sticking my feet out the window.

THOMAS DEKKER
Yeah, well, knock it off. Robots aren't supposed to enjoy road trips.

SUMMER GLAU
Robots like road trips. Robots like lots of things. Robots are awesome.

INT. WAREHOUSE

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Why did you kidnap Richard Schiff?

JESSE
I told you, he's a bad guy. A rat. A sneak. A traiter. A turncoat. A fink. An informer. Bad, bad, double bad. So I hit him with a brick.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Really? I don't remember him. And I relish every opportunity to hate bad people.

RICHARD SCHIFF
I'm tv's Richard Schiff! Please stop hitting me! I'm just an innocent watchmaker! Like that guy on Hereos! Who... kills... people.... damn.

JESSE
I'm going to hit you some more.

She HITS HIM some more.

RICHARD SCHIFF
I'm just a dude! Trying to hang! I don't know what's going on!

Derek takes Jesse outside for a little CHAT.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
I don't know this guy, how are you sure that he's a bad guy?

JESSE
I swear, he's a human who works for robots. We must kill him.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Okay, but let's get him to tell us what his secret plans are before we do that.

Jesse STORMS OFF.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT

Sarah appears to be having MORE MORMON DREAMS. She walks through the house and finds a NURSERY (the baby kind, not the plant kind) full of HOSPITAL BASSINETS with BABY TURTLES in them.

Cameron is in the corner, BREASTFEEDING A TURTLE OR SOMETHING. She GETS UP and GIVES THE TURTLE to CROMARTIE. Sarah wakes up, having SLEPTWALK to the FRONT YARD with A GUN. Totally safe to have an armed sleepwalker in the neighborhood.

EXT. MEXICAN GRAVE OF CROMARTIE - NIGHT

John and Cameron are DIGGING UP the ground and CAN'T FIND Cromartie's body.

THOMAS DEKKER
What the hell, who steals a robot body?

SUMMER GLAU
I dunno, but I sure am wearing some snazzy boots for graverobbing duty.

John and Cameron STORM OFF.

INT. WAREHOUSE - NEXT DAY

Derek returns to RICHARD SCHIFF with cheeseburgers.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Eat. There is no McDonald's in the future.

RICHARD SCHIFF
You're not going to hit me any more, right? Because I'm totally not the bad guy you think I am. Like I said, I'm a watchmaker.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Right, okay. Eat your cheeseburger, liar.

RICHARD SCHIFF
You know, girlfriends will make you do stupid things. Love can make you kidnap people you think are robot traitors.

Derek NOTICES A TATTOO on RICHARD SCHIFF'S ARM.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
You've got prison ink.

RICHARD SCHIFF
Uh... no. You know us watchmakers, we're crazy about tattoos...

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
(tying Richard back up)
Cheeseburger time is over.

Derek tries to PLACE A CALL to Cameron without USING THE SECRET CODE. She HANGS UP ON HIM. He CALLS BACK using the code and ASKS HER TO VERIFY the identity of RICHARD SCHIFF. She CAN'T.

INT. DR. SHERMAN'S OFFICE

Sarah pays at visit to the PSYCHIATRIST from THREE EPISODES AGO.

DR. SHERMAN
Hey, crazy lady. My office is closed for the day.

LENA HEADEY
I really need some dream therapy. I've been having crazy turtle nightmares. I like to sleepwalk with a gun.

DR. SHERMAN
Well, that sounds serious. Let's have an impromptu off-the-books counseling session.

EXT. ELLISON'S HOUSE - LATER THAT DAY

Cameron and John are staking out Agent Ellison's house.

SUMMER GLAU
Why did your mother give a crap about that turtle on the side of the road?

THOMAS DEKKER
She likes to help turtles.

SUMMER GLAU
How come some humans are awesome and save turtles and other people hate turtles?

THOMAS DEKKER
I don't know, but I'm sure Barack Obama will change all that.

SUMMER GLAU
Robots wouldn't kill a turtle unless it could lead us to John Connor.

THOMAS DEKKER
Well, yay. Robots: 1, Mean Humans: 0

Agent Ellison ARRIVES HOME so John and Cameron GET OUT OF THE CAR to go BEAT THE HELL OUT OF HIM.

INT. ELLISON'S HOUSE

Cameron SMACKS ELLISON AROUND a little.

THOMAS DEKKER
Where's the money, Lebowski?

RICHARD T. JONES
I didn't take the body, I swear! Please stop choking me!

Cameron CHOKES HIM SOME MORE.

THOMAS DEKKER
Let go of him, I think he's telling the truth.

SUMMER GLAU
He's totally lying.

RICHARD T. JONES
Choke!

THOMAS DEKKER
Stop choking the dude. Let's go.

Cameron STOPS CHOKING ELLISON and FLIPS HIM OVER ON TO HIS STOMACH. Aww, that's cute. She thinks he's turtle! John NOTICES a PICTURE OF SARAH on Ellison's floor. It should be LINDA HAMILTON from the first TERMINATOR but INSTEAD it's LENA HEADEY. He TAKES IT.

INT. WAREHOUSE

Jesse RETURNS with ANOTHER KIDNAPPED version of CHARLES FISCHER. It's the YOUNG, PRESENT version. They HAVE THE SAME BIRTHMARK.

JESSE
See? Even a blind squirrel gets a nut.

YOUNG FISCHER
I'm the real Charles Fischer!

RICHARD SCHIFF
This is all a trick!

JESSE
Stop lying, liar.

Jesse SMACKS RICHARD SCHIFF AROUND some more.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Could you stop beating on him for a second and tell me just what it is we're doing?

JESSE
We're beating the fuck out of this dude. Because I got a free couple of hours.

Derek starts PULLING OUT YOUNG FISCHER'S FINGERNAILS.

RICHARD SCHIFF
Ew! Stop!

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
The young version of you isn't enough of a dick yet, so I'm going to torture him till you admit that you're the one who's the real dick.

RICHARD SCHIFF
Okay! I'm the real Charles Fischer! I got sent back from the future because I'm an awesome turncoat! Also: the only way I survived the apocalypse was because I was locked up in Pelican Bay.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
We gotta stop making prisons Apocalypse-proof.

INT. DR. SHERMAN'S OFFICE

DR. SHERMAN
I wish you'd quit jerking me around and tell me what it is you're hiding.

LENA HEADEY
Just tell me what turtles represent. Do they represent robots?

DR. SHERMAN
I think turtles mean you're a liar. So stop lying. Or leave.

Sarah LEAVES.

INT. WAREHOUSE

FOR SOME REASON, Derek and Jesse have left THE TWO FISCHERS alone.

YOUNG FISCHER
I don't believe you about the robots.

RICHARD SCHIFF
God, I was so dumb when I was younger. Your life is worthless right now and you don't know it.

YOUNG FISCHER
Can't you just weasel your way out of this situation? You seem good at weaseling. Which means I am, too!

OUTSIDE the BOXCAR, Jesse and Derek are talking.

JESSE
We need to stop screwing around and kill this guy.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
What exactly did he do?

Jesse tells a long FLASHFORWARD STORY about how CHARLES FISCHER used all his JAIL TIME KNOWLEDGE to teach the Terminators how to BE PEOPLE BETTER, by CAPTURING HUMANS and INTERROGATING THEM FOR SHOW. The big REVEAL at the end is that it wasn't JESSE who was BEING TORTURED to serve CHARLES FISCHER, but it was DEREK.

Derek STILL DOESN'T REMEMBER Charles Fischer.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Let's go kill this sumbitch!

Derek CHARGES IN to SHOOT YOUNG FISCHER, but BEFORE HE CAN, Jesse shoots OLD FISCHER.

YOUNG FISCHER
I guess he wasn't so good at weaseling.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT

LENA HEADEY
Hey, son, what do turtles mean to you?

THOMAS DEKKER
It means you need to lay off the Nyquil, mom. Oh, by the way, Cromartie's body is gone.

LENA HEADEY
If I weren't so damn tired I'd be yelling more right now. And I feel bad that I left that kid in the bowling alley alive for Cromartie to find and kill.

THOMAS DEKKER
Hey, if you can't leave survivors behind, you're no better than a killer robot.

EXT. SHALLOW GRAVESITE OF CHARLES FISCHER

Derek is just FINISHING UP burying RICHARD SCHIFF.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Tell me again why you killed the old dude and not the young dude?

JESSE
The young dude hadn't done anything to merit my killing him.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
...yet. Which is why we should've killed him.

JESSE
I really can't believe you can't remember being tortured by the guy, because in the future you couldn't shut up about how you wanted to kill him. And here you are, not wanting to kill him. What gives?

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
You know, maybe we're from different futures. Maybe you're from the future where Derek Reese is tortured, and I'm not! I just have bad taste in women in both future timelines. Hey, but maybe we changed the future!

Except THEY DIDN'T.

INT. YOUNG CHARLES FISCHER'S EMPLOYER, "SRF"

Young Charles Fischer is ARRESTED for BREAKING IN to his company -- ALLEGEDLY -- and ACCESSING CLASSIFIED MILITARY COMPUTER FILES -- ALLEGEDLY. Except it wasn't Young Charles who did it, it was OLD CHARLES. But they have the SAME EYEBALLS AND FINGERPRINTS to gain access to CLASSIFIED AREAS, so in effect, OLD CHARLES guaranteed that YOUNG CHARLES would be ARRESTED and PUT IN PELICAN BAY, where he SURVIVED THE APOCALYPSE THE FIRST TIME.

Yep. Shoulda really killed both of them.

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

Agent Ellison is meeting with Catherine Weaver (SHIRLEY MANSON) and as it turns out, he DID STEAL the BODY OF CROMARTIE. He GIVES IT TO HER. He wants to FIND OUT HOW ROBOTS WORK. Dear James: It is NOT ON SUGAR, SPICE, OR ANYTHING NICE.

INT. DR. SHERMAN'S OFFICE - DREAMLAND

Sarah is dreaming that she's SEEING DR. SHERMAN in her MORMON DRESS and he TELLS HER TO FUCK OFF. You know your DREAMS SUCK when even the PEOPLE IN THEM don't want to TALK TO YOU.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT - BASEMENT

Sarah is AWAKE and is CHECKING OUT the BLOOD GRAFFITI in the BASEMENT. She realizes her TURTLE DREAMS are COMING FROM SOMETHING SHE READ THERE.

Or, SOMETHING.

FADE OUT.

T:SCC Episode 17 - Mr. Ferguson Is Ill Today

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If there's one benefit to having a cyborg as my pretend television boyfriend, it's that when he has his brainchip smashed to bits by a crazy woman with a bad mullet, there's always the chance of a copy of him coming back from the future. Oh, Garret. How I'll miss thee till that plot contrivance becomes necessary. :::exaggerated sigh:::

This episode will be presented in that wacky "point of view" style where the story is told from every character's perspective, except it's usually employed for comedic effect, and this week it's used for no good reason. At all.

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T:SCC Episode 16 - Brothers of Nablus

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INT. JAMES ELLISON'S HOUSE

Agent Ellison is ENJOYING BREAKFAST, when a second Agent Ellison BREAKS DOWN THE FRONT DOOR and points a gun at his head. Then a hand PUNCHES THROUGH Robot Ellison's chest, removing some sort of ROBOT HARDWARE. It's Cromartie Dillahunt.

CROMARTIE DILLAHUNT
Skynet's trying to kill you, but I think you're super keen. That's why I killed this robot and shall dispose of it for you.

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T:SCC The Tower is Tall But The Fall Is Short

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Sarah Connor Chronicles was finally picked up for another nine episodes, rounding out its season order to twenty-two. Hurray!

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T:SCC Goodbye To All That

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This week's episode brought to you by the DODGE RAM PICKUP! Forget GAS MILEAGE! The DODGE RAM PICKUP can HAUL ASS!

Previously, Dude Ex Machina left a laundry list of stuff that needed to be killed / destroyed / protected in the Connor basement... in his own blood. Also, John was kind of a pussy.

EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD

A GIGANTIC TERMINATOR walks up to MARTIN BEDELL while he's grilling some ribs. You DON'T SEE WHAT HAPPENS but you can guess.

NEWSPAPER HEADLINE
Dude Named Martin Bedell Totally Not Killed By Robots Wink Wink.

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T:SCC Allison From Palmdale

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Finally, a really good episode. I still don't understand why it's so hard to consistently write good tv, but apparently it's a real challenge. The reason I still enjoy and stick with Sarah Conner Chronicles is because occasionally they put out a really great episode, like this one.

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T:SCC The Mousetrap

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EXT. DAY - GAS STATION SET LEFT OVER FROM HORROR MOVIE

DEAN WINTERS has stopped to get some gas and wash the windshield. A pickup truck pulls up next to DEAN'S truck as he's GETTING A SOFT DRINK. This leaves plenty of time for Cromartie to pull some wires out of his own truck and get in DEAN'S PICKUP. DEAN'S wife MICHELLE barely notices that she's being KIDNAPPED until it's TOO LATE.

DEAN WINTERS
Awww, CRAP! I knew I shouldn't have got self serve!

It's a good thing Cromartie DISABLED THE OTHER TRUCK because DEAN doesn't even try to get in it, he just RUNS DOWN THE STREET.

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T:SCC Automatic for the People

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Apologies for my lateness with this. For the last week, I have been without electricity at my home, due to wind. WIND. Not tornadoes, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions or killer robots.... wind. And, contrary to what I see on tv and in Die Hard movies, when 85% of power is lost to a city of over a million people, there is not rioting in the streets. When two thirds of the traffic lights are out for over two days, people do not slam into one another going 40 miles an hour creating a 300 car pileup, the only way out of which is to crash your car into a helicopter. What I'm saying is: I have hope for Judgment Day. I'm guessing people will be more annoyed that they've lost service to their Blackberries than they will be about the death and destruction.

Anyway, previously, on The Sarah Connor Chronicles, we tossed aside Sarkissian as a villain and decided to go with shapeshifting lead singers of popular nineties rock bands.

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T:SCC Samson and Delilah

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Finally, season two is here. Though I hear only 13 episodes of the show have been ordered, I'm glad The Sarah Connor Chronicles are finally back. I was told this time last year that there would be a television show based on the character Sarah Connor with the mopey kid from Heroes playing John, and I remember my reaction very well: I chortled in disbelief. ("Chortled," seriously.) But the show has quickly become one of my favorites, reaching a fairly poetic climax in last season's finale (recap here).

When it first premiered, The Sarah Connor Chronicles was one of very few shows that were actually airing new episodes during a long and agonizing writer's strike. Because of that, I started recapping the show in mock script-style. That was so much fun, I think I'll continue it even though the strike is now blessedly behind us.

So, anyway. When we left off, Cameron (SUMMER GLAU) had just been blown up by the real Sarkissian (DR. VENTURE JAMES URBANIAK), and Cromartie (GARRET DILLAHUNT) had just killed two dozen FBI agents to the tune of "The Man Comes Around." (JOHNNY CASH.) (AWESOME.) We pick up pretty much where we left off, with a new voice-over guy doing the "Intro to Robots" (which I hope they lose soon) set to -- what else -- a Shirley Manson cover of "Samson & Delilah." Oh hey, you hadn't heard that Shirley Manson was on SCC this year? You lose.

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