This episode will screw with you. I suppose it's not totally unreasonable to expect that Uther will eventually die, as he eventually dies in all Arthurian legend, because people die. It's fairly surprising that in an episode with so much campy "old Merlin", it would end with Arthur being crowned king.

But there you go, I just spoilered this entire season / series / episode / life for you if you haven't seen the show. If you do want to start watching, it plays in the U.S. on Friday nights at 10pm on SyFy.

If you missed it, last week we started recapping Merlin. We realize that it's the fourth season, kind of an odd time to start recapping a show. Will we recap the other seasons? Probably not.

And now for the exciting conclusion of "The Darkest Hour." Tune in to SyFy on Fridays at 10pm to continue watching this season as it airs in the U.S. (It's pretty terrific.)

Guess what, kids. Over on Tumblr, Brittany, a fan of Merlin, does these Game of Thrones recaps that are hilarious. So we figured, since we've already seen Merlin Season Four, we'd recap it as a thank-you to Brittany for giving us something funny to read at work. Also it's for everyone who wants to enjoy our little jokes right after they've enjoyed the episode on SyFy. (Friday nights at 10pm.)

Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends is the cartoon that made me the geek I am today. It's true. It was my first exposure to the world of superheroes that I love so much. I don't even remember how old I was when I first saw it and Spider-Man became my favorite character.

It's also the origin of my love for Cyclops and Doctor Doom. It just goes to show you how little I have actually changed since I was a toddler. The fact that this Holy Grail of my geekdom is now streaming on Netflix Instant has provided me with two wonderful opportunities. The first is to share it with my two-year-old nephew, who now insists on watching it with me every time I see him. The second is to make fun of it, hopefully, for the enjoyment of you, dear reader. In that spirit, I have recapped the first episode, "Triumph of the Green Goblin."

Original Airdate: January 5, 1967
Synopsis
The crew encounters a rogue planet, and surveys it via ships’ instruments. Its temperature is too hot to sustain human life, and it has no breathable atmosphere. Captain Kirk and Sulu suddenly disappear, and the planet's surface is the only likely place they could be. The ship then receives a message on a viewscreen that says, in old-fashioned script, “greetings and felicitations!” It then seems obvious that there is some form of intelligence on the planet, and a landing party is sent down with oxygen supplies.

Original Airdate: January 5, 1967
Synopsis

The shuttlecraft Galileo has been sent to study the Murasaki 312 quasar as a side trip while the Enterprise is on en route to Makus III under the watchful and bitchy eye of Galactic High Commissioner Ferris, who is a dick from the word go. Okay, the part is written that way, but the actor nails it.

Original Airdate: September 29, 1966

Synopsis

Sulu and Bones are planetside, talking about how gorgeous it is, when a white rabbit in a vest hops by, exclaiming that he’s late, and a second later, a little blond girl in a pinafore runs up and asks if he’s seen the rabbit. She runs off. Bones yells for Sulu, who wandered off to take samples for research.

He says he didn’t see anything.

Original Airdate: November 24, 1966

Synopsis

Back to footage of the pilot! I’m going to do a little light reading over at Final Girl; I’ll meet you back here after.

Original Airdate: November 17, 1966

Commodore Mendez, commander of the base, agrees to investigate the source of the message; all signs point to Spock himself. Jim vehemently disagrees that he could be responsible for any dishonesty. God bless him, he really goes to bat for his first officer & friend.

Original Airdate: December 8, 1966

Synopsis

We open with Kirk and his friend, Dr. Thomas Leighton, watching a live production of Macbeth. (Fashion Police APB: Lady Macbeth is wearing a particularly god-awful dress with big arrows springing up off the shoulder area.) As the scene immediately after the murder of Duncan plays out onstage, Leighton hisses to Kirk that he knows that voice, and he is convinced it’s the voice of Kodos.

The Enterprise is visiting this planet at the request of Leighton, who told Jim he had an agricultural breakthrough he wanted to show him; in reality, he just wanted Jim to confirm his suspicions. He believes that a famous actor also visiting the planet is not what he seems and suspects the actor, Anton Karidian, is actually a former despot in disguise: Kodos, “The Executioner.” Kirk, having seen Kodos up close and personal in his youth, is one of few still living who can provide a positive ID. Kodos governed a colony that Jim spent time on growing up, and cold-bloodedly killed 4000 people during his reign. The official story says that Kodos died, his remains burned beyond recognition. Jim believes that version of events, and thinks his friend’s overreaction and lie will get them both in trouble.

Well. Maybe there won't be a Riley anymore? Just as I was starting to like her, too.

Laura just mentioned that she may "have" to watch T3 in order to understand stuff that happens in T4. I generally disagree. However, for those of you in the same boat as Laura, I'll copy and paste the bullet-pointed recap I just emailed to her. Keep in mind that I have only seen T3 once, in theaters. As far as I know, most of this stuff is accurate, though I am obviously doing this from memory, as it only took me five minutes. It's impressive the junk I can keep in my head when I can't remember where my car keys are.

There's a lot of bouncing back and forth between the present, the near past, and the distant future. I hope you brought your flashback seatbelt. It might get bumpy.

It also appears that they have totally stopped caring whether or not new audience members know what's going on or not. This episode is the television equivalent of your dad throwing you in the lake and telling you to either sink or swim.

Are you tired of all the flash-fowarding this show does? Would you like a good old-fashioned flash back to the past? Well, saddle up. This episode will guarantee to satisfy.

One thing I noticed about this episode: A lot of what I wrote last week, I didn't have to change (in terms of structure) this week. Scene one starts where scene one started last week. Scenes with Jesse and Derek happen right where they happened last week. But these past two episodes have been great, so... keep it up?

EXT. MEXICO - SHALLOW GRAVE OF CROMARTIE

Sarah is HAVING A DREAM about how SHE AND CAMERON ARE MORMONS OR SOMETHING and JOHN SPRINGS UP OUT OF THE GROUND with the help of TERMINATOR CACTUSES.

She WAKES UP in the back of the Connormobil, on its way back to Los Angeles from Mexico. They STOP THE CAR so she can THROW UP on the side of the road, and that's when Sarah NOTICES A TURTLE on its back. She PICKS IT UP and TURNS IT OVER.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT

Sarah is IN BED with THE FLU OR SOMETHING. She INSISTS that Cameron and John IMMEDIATELY GO BACK TO MEXICO to catch whatever virus she caught BURN CROMARTIE'S BODY.

INT. DEREK'S VEHICLE

Derek gets a PHONE CALL from Jesse (STEPHANIE JACOBSEN).

JESSE
You. Here. Now.

INT. WAREHOUSE

JESSE
I kidnapped Richard Schiff from the mall.

Jesse LEADS DEREK into one of the box car container things stacked in the warehouse. RICHARD SCHIFF is in there, bound and gagged.

JESSE
He's a bad guy. You should trust me on this.

INT. CONNORMOBILE - ON THE WAY BACK TO MEXICO

SUMMER GLAU
I like sticking my feet out the window.

THOMAS DEKKER
Yeah, well, knock it off. Robots aren't supposed to enjoy road trips.

SUMMER GLAU
Robots like road trips. Robots like lots of things. Robots are awesome.

INT. WAREHOUSE

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Why did you kidnap Richard Schiff?

JESSE
I told you, he's a bad guy. A rat. A sneak. A traiter. A turncoat. A fink. An informer. Bad, bad, double bad. So I hit him with a brick.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Really? I don't remember him. And I relish every opportunity to hate bad people.

RICHARD SCHIFF
I'm tv's Richard Schiff! Please stop hitting me! I'm just an innocent watchmaker! Like that guy on Hereos! Who... kills... people.... damn.

JESSE
I'm going to hit you some more.

She HITS HIM some more.

RICHARD SCHIFF
I'm just a dude! Trying to hang! I don't know what's going on!

Derek takes Jesse outside for a little CHAT.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
I don't know this guy, how are you sure that he's a bad guy?

JESSE
I swear, he's a human who works for robots. We must kill him.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Okay, but let's get him to tell us what his secret plans are before we do that.

Jesse STORMS OFF.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT

Sarah appears to be having MORE MORMON DREAMS. She walks through the house and finds a NURSERY (the baby kind, not the plant kind) full of HOSPITAL BASSINETS with BABY TURTLES in them.

Cameron is in the corner, BREASTFEEDING A TURTLE OR SOMETHING. She GETS UP and GIVES THE TURTLE to CROMARTIE. Sarah wakes up, having SLEPTWALK to the FRONT YARD with A GUN. Totally safe to have an armed sleepwalker in the neighborhood.

EXT. MEXICAN GRAVE OF CROMARTIE - NIGHT

John and Cameron are DIGGING UP the ground and CAN'T FIND Cromartie's body.

THOMAS DEKKER
What the hell, who steals a robot body?

SUMMER GLAU
I dunno, but I sure am wearing some snazzy boots for graverobbing duty.

John and Cameron STORM OFF.

INT. WAREHOUSE - NEXT DAY

Derek returns to RICHARD SCHIFF with cheeseburgers.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Eat. There is no McDonald's in the future.

RICHARD SCHIFF
You're not going to hit me any more, right? Because I'm totally not the bad guy you think I am. Like I said, I'm a watchmaker.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Right, okay. Eat your cheeseburger, liar.

RICHARD SCHIFF
You know, girlfriends will make you do stupid things. Love can make you kidnap people you think are robot traitors.

Derek NOTICES A TATTOO on RICHARD SCHIFF'S ARM.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
You've got prison ink.

RICHARD SCHIFF
Uh... no. You know us watchmakers, we're crazy about tattoos...

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
(tying Richard back up)
Cheeseburger time is over.

Derek tries to PLACE A CALL to Cameron without USING THE SECRET CODE. She HANGS UP ON HIM. He CALLS BACK using the code and ASKS HER TO VERIFY the identity of RICHARD SCHIFF. She CAN'T.

INT. DR. SHERMAN'S OFFICE

Sarah pays at visit to the PSYCHIATRIST from THREE EPISODES AGO.

DR. SHERMAN
Hey, crazy lady. My office is closed for the day.

LENA HEADEY
I really need some dream therapy. I've been having crazy turtle nightmares. I like to sleepwalk with a gun.

DR. SHERMAN
Well, that sounds serious. Let's have an impromptu off-the-books counseling session.

EXT. ELLISON'S HOUSE - LATER THAT DAY

Cameron and John are staking out Agent Ellison's house.

SUMMER GLAU
Why did your mother give a crap about that turtle on the side of the road?

THOMAS DEKKER
She likes to help turtles.

SUMMER GLAU
How come some humans are awesome and save turtles and other people hate turtles?

THOMAS DEKKER
I don't know, but I'm sure Barack Obama will change all that.

SUMMER GLAU
Robots wouldn't kill a turtle unless it could lead us to John Connor.

THOMAS DEKKER
Well, yay. Robots: 1, Mean Humans: 0

Agent Ellison ARRIVES HOME so John and Cameron GET OUT OF THE CAR to go BEAT THE HELL OUT OF HIM.

INT. ELLISON'S HOUSE

Cameron SMACKS ELLISON AROUND a little.

THOMAS DEKKER
Where's the money, Lebowski?

RICHARD T. JONES
I didn't take the body, I swear! Please stop choking me!

Cameron CHOKES HIM SOME MORE.

THOMAS DEKKER
Let go of him, I think he's telling the truth.

SUMMER GLAU
He's totally lying.

RICHARD T. JONES
Choke!

THOMAS DEKKER
Stop choking the dude. Let's go.

Cameron STOPS CHOKING ELLISON and FLIPS HIM OVER ON TO HIS STOMACH. Aww, that's cute. She thinks he's turtle! John NOTICES a PICTURE OF SARAH on Ellison's floor. It should be LINDA HAMILTON from the first TERMINATOR but INSTEAD it's LENA HEADEY. He TAKES IT.

INT. WAREHOUSE

Jesse RETURNS with ANOTHER KIDNAPPED version of CHARLES FISCHER. It's the YOUNG, PRESENT version. They HAVE THE SAME BIRTHMARK.

JESSE
See? Even a blind squirrel gets a nut.

YOUNG FISCHER
I'm the real Charles Fischer!

RICHARD SCHIFF
This is all a trick!

JESSE
Stop lying, liar.

Jesse SMACKS RICHARD SCHIFF AROUND some more.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Could you stop beating on him for a second and tell me just what it is we're doing?

JESSE
We're beating the fuck out of this dude. Because I got a free couple of hours.

Derek starts PULLING OUT YOUNG FISCHER'S FINGERNAILS.

RICHARD SCHIFF
Ew! Stop!

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
The young version of you isn't enough of a dick yet, so I'm going to torture him till you admit that you're the one who's the real dick.

RICHARD SCHIFF
Okay! I'm the real Charles Fischer! I got sent back from the future because I'm an awesome turncoat! Also: the only way I survived the apocalypse was because I was locked up in Pelican Bay.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
We gotta stop making prisons Apocalypse-proof.

INT. DR. SHERMAN'S OFFICE

DR. SHERMAN
I wish you'd quit jerking me around and tell me what it is you're hiding.

LENA HEADEY
Just tell me what turtles represent. Do they represent robots?

DR. SHERMAN
I think turtles mean you're a liar. So stop lying. Or leave.

Sarah LEAVES.

INT. WAREHOUSE

FOR SOME REASON, Derek and Jesse have left THE TWO FISCHERS alone.

YOUNG FISCHER
I don't believe you about the robots.

RICHARD SCHIFF
God, I was so dumb when I was younger. Your life is worthless right now and you don't know it.

YOUNG FISCHER
Can't you just weasel your way out of this situation? You seem good at weaseling. Which means I am, too!

OUTSIDE the BOXCAR, Jesse and Derek are talking.

JESSE
We need to stop screwing around and kill this guy.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
What exactly did he do?

Jesse tells a long FLASHFORWARD STORY about how CHARLES FISCHER used all his JAIL TIME KNOWLEDGE to teach the Terminators how to BE PEOPLE BETTER, by CAPTURING HUMANS and INTERROGATING THEM FOR SHOW. The big REVEAL at the end is that it wasn't JESSE who was BEING TORTURED to serve CHARLES FISCHER, but it was DEREK.

Derek STILL DOESN'T REMEMBER Charles Fischer.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Let's go kill this sumbitch!

Derek CHARGES IN to SHOOT YOUNG FISCHER, but BEFORE HE CAN, Jesse shoots OLD FISCHER.

YOUNG FISCHER
I guess he wasn't so good at weaseling.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT

LENA HEADEY
Hey, son, what do turtles mean to you?

THOMAS DEKKER
It means you need to lay off the Nyquil, mom. Oh, by the way, Cromartie's body is gone.

LENA HEADEY
If I weren't so damn tired I'd be yelling more right now. And I feel bad that I left that kid in the bowling alley alive for Cromartie to find and kill.

THOMAS DEKKER
Hey, if you can't leave survivors behind, you're no better than a killer robot.

EXT. SHALLOW GRAVESITE OF CHARLES FISCHER

Derek is just FINISHING UP burying RICHARD SCHIFF.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Tell me again why you killed the old dude and not the young dude?

JESSE
The young dude hadn't done anything to merit my killing him.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
...yet. Which is why we should've killed him.

JESSE
I really can't believe you can't remember being tortured by the guy, because in the future you couldn't shut up about how you wanted to kill him. And here you are, not wanting to kill him. What gives?

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
You know, maybe we're from different futures. Maybe you're from the future where Derek Reese is tortured, and I'm not! I just have bad taste in women in both future timelines. Hey, but maybe we changed the future!

Except THEY DIDN'T.

INT. YOUNG CHARLES FISCHER'S EMPLOYER, "SRF"

Young Charles Fischer is ARRESTED for BREAKING IN to his company -- ALLEGEDLY -- and ACCESSING CLASSIFIED MILITARY COMPUTER FILES -- ALLEGEDLY. Except it wasn't Young Charles who did it, it was OLD CHARLES. But they have the SAME EYEBALLS AND FINGERPRINTS to gain access to CLASSIFIED AREAS, so in effect, OLD CHARLES guaranteed that YOUNG CHARLES would be ARRESTED and PUT IN PELICAN BAY, where he SURVIVED THE APOCALYPSE THE FIRST TIME.

Yep. Shoulda really killed both of them.

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

Agent Ellison is meeting with Catherine Weaver (SHIRLEY MANSON) and as it turns out, he DID STEAL the BODY OF CROMARTIE. He GIVES IT TO HER. He wants to FIND OUT HOW ROBOTS WORK. Dear James: It is NOT ON SUGAR, SPICE, OR ANYTHING NICE.

INT. DR. SHERMAN'S OFFICE - DREAMLAND

Sarah is dreaming that she's SEEING DR. SHERMAN in her MORMON DRESS and he TELLS HER TO FUCK OFF. You know your DREAMS SUCK when even the PEOPLE IN THEM don't want to TALK TO YOU.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT - BASEMENT

Sarah is AWAKE and is CHECKING OUT the BLOOD GRAFFITI in the BASEMENT. She realizes her TURTLE DREAMS are COMING FROM SOMETHING SHE READ THERE.

Or, SOMETHING.

FADE OUT.

If there's one benefit to having a cyborg as my pretend television boyfriend, it's that when he has his brainchip smashed to bits by a crazy woman with a bad mullet, there's always the chance of a copy of him coming back from the future. Oh, Garret. How I'll miss thee till that plot contrivance becomes necessary. :::exaggerated sigh:::

This episode will be presented in that wacky "point of view" style where the story is told from every character's perspective, except it's usually employed for comedic effect, and this week it's used for no good reason. At all.

INT. JAMES ELLISON'S HOUSE

Agent Ellison is ENJOYING BREAKFAST, when a second Agent Ellison BREAKS DOWN THE FRONT DOOR and points a gun at his head. Then a hand PUNCHES THROUGH Robot Ellison's chest, removing some sort of ROBOT HARDWARE. It's Cromartie Dillahunt.

CROMARTIE DILLAHUNT
Skynet's trying to kill you, but I think you're super keen. That's why I killed this robot and shall dispose of it for you.

Sarah Connor Chronicles was finally picked up for another nine episodes, rounding out its season order to twenty-two. Hurray!

This week's episode brought to you by the DODGE RAM PICKUP! Forget GAS MILEAGE! The DODGE RAM PICKUP can HAUL ASS!

Previously, Dude Ex Machina left a laundry list of stuff that needed to be killed / destroyed / protected in the Connor basement... in his own blood. Also, John was kind of a pussy.

EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD

A GIGANTIC TERMINATOR walks up to MARTIN BEDELL while he's grilling some ribs. You DON'T SEE WHAT HAPPENS but you can guess.

NEWSPAPER HEADLINE
Dude Named Martin Bedell Totally Not Killed By Robots Wink Wink.

Finally, a really good episode. I still don't understand why it's so hard to consistently write good tv, but apparently it's a real challenge. The reason I still enjoy and stick with Sarah Conner Chronicles is because occasionally they put out a really great episode, like this one.

EXT. DAY - GAS STATION SET LEFT OVER FROM HORROR MOVIE

DEAN WINTERS has stopped to get some gas and wash the windshield. A pickup truck pulls up next to DEAN'S truck as he's GETTING A SOFT DRINK. This leaves plenty of time for Cromartie to pull some wires out of his own truck and get in DEAN'S PICKUP. DEAN'S wife MICHELLE barely notices that she's being KIDNAPPED until it's TOO LATE.

DEAN WINTERS
Awww, CRAP! I knew I shouldn't have got self serve!

It's a good thing Cromartie DISABLED THE OTHER TRUCK because DEAN doesn't even try to get in it, he just RUNS DOWN THE STREET.

Apologies for my lateness with this. For the last week, I have been without electricity at my home, due to wind. WIND. Not tornadoes, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions or killer robots.... wind. And, contrary to what I see on tv and in Die Hard movies, when 85% of power is lost to a city of over a million people, there is not rioting in the streets. When two thirds of the traffic lights are out for over two days, people do not slam into one another going 40 miles an hour creating a 300 car pileup, the only way out of which is to crash your car into a helicopter. What I'm saying is: I have hope for Judgment Day. I'm guessing people will be more annoyed that they've lost service to their Blackberries than they will be about the death and destruction.

Anyway, previously, on The Sarah Connor Chronicles, we tossed aside Sarkissian as a villain and decided to go with shapeshifting lead singers of popular nineties rock bands.

Finally, season two is here. Though I hear only 13 episodes of the show have been ordered, I'm glad The Sarah Connor Chronicles are finally back. I was told this time last year that there would be a television show based on the character Sarah Connor with the mopey kid from Heroes playing John, and I remember my reaction very well: I chortled in disbelief. ("Chortled," seriously.) But the show has quickly become one of my favorites, reaching a fairly poetic climax in last season's finale (recap here).

When it first premiered, The Sarah Connor Chronicles was one of very few shows that were actually airing new episodes during a long and agonizing writer's strike. Because of that, I started recapping the show in mock script-style. That was so much fun, I think I'll continue it even though the strike is now blessedly behind us.

So, anyway. When we left off, Cameron (SUMMER GLAU) had just been blown up by the real Sarkissian (DR. VENTURE JAMES URBANIAK), and Cromartie (GARRET DILLAHUNT) had just killed two dozen FBI agents to the tune of "The Man Comes Around." (JOHNNY CASH.) (AWESOME.) We pick up pretty much where we left off, with a new voice-over guy doing the "Intro to Robots" (which I hope they lose soon) set to -- what else -- a Shirley Manson cover of "Samson & Delilah." Oh hey, you hadn't heard that Shirley Manson was on SCC this year? You lose.

Previously, there was a lot of yelling and head clutching. Kara Thrace showed up, and she wasn't dead. She's been to Earth and wants to take the fleet that way, but Roslin and Adama won't allow it. So she freaks out and puts a gun in Roslin's face.

Previously, the Galactica found a planet that had yummy algae, but also the mystical "Temple of Five." Before anyone could blow it up, the planet's sun supernova'd. But the supernova, and various symbols inside the temple, looked a lot like a painting that Starbuck drew on her apartment back home on Nuked Caprica. Which prompted her to dive her Viper into a pretty, swirly cloud mass resembling said "mandala," getting herself blowds up in the process. Or, not, because she came back in the last five minutes of the Season Three finale.

Also during the last few minutes of the finale: The fleet jumps to the Ionian Nebula, and gets attacked by a bunch of Cylon Basestars.

Oh, and, Tyrol, Tigh, Sam Anders, and Tory the Aide are Cylons.

Plus, Gaius Balter is not guilty of treason. Wheee!

FADE IN:

CG: April 21, 2011 - JUDGEMENT DAY

Two young boys are PLAYING CATCH in their front yard.

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)
When John was younger and unconscious he was much cuter because he wasn't all angsty about the future. I miss those days.

The youngest boy is KYLE REESE, age whatever. He SUCKS AT BASEBALL.

Part one of the two hour "season finale."

There's only one more episode left? Boo! This show is just starting to get really good!

When we last left the Connor clan, Derek Reese (brother of Kyle, uncle of John) was bleeding to death on the kitchen table.

While I don't generally enjoy flashback episodes, this one was fairly good in terms of moving the story along, and building up the tension between Derek and John.

I should also note that most of us here at Geektress just noticed the other day that Summer Glau's character is named Cameron, as in, James. Big duh for us.