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Zelda: Skyward Sword

Wheee! We bought a Wii! And in our grand tradition of buying a new gaming system, the first game we bought was the new Zelda, titled "Skyward Sword."

Do I like this game more than Windwaker? No I do not. Am I any good at playing this game? No I am not.

"How can you write a video game review when you aren't past the first world?," my husband asked.

Well, see, here's the thing. I probably won't be making it much further than the "training session" level, because I am just awful.

No, seriously.

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This is after much practice. This is literally the best I am at this game so far. I have probably fallen off the edge of things more in one day than most people do in this game the entire game. So I'll just let you know what I think of Skyward Sword so far. You can pretend I played to the end in the time you spent reading this, because it took me two weeks just to figure out how to get out of the sparring hall, so I probably won't ever finish.

So far the story is about as fantastic as any Zelda story -- girl meets guy, girl gets swept up by evil tornado, guy has to become legendary hero of myth in order to get girl back, etc., -- but I am not loving how much talking there is going on. The first ten minutes of the game the girl (Zelda) spends discussing what she's wearing. I am not even joking. Then when you're trying to collect everything you need to move on to the next level, everyone has to stop you to talk about what YOU'RE wearing (the traditional green "Link" tunic.) AND YOU CAN'T SKIP OVER THIS.

Beedle's shop this time is in a blimp (as you would expect, this first world being set in a land that's floating in the sky), and there's a giant bell underneath that you have to ring in order to get him to stop. I haven't figured out how to ring the bell yet, I'm too scared to ask the townsfolk how to do it lest I get a lecture about what shoes I'm wearing. I assume it requires a slingshot, which I also assume is available for purchase... in Beedle's shop. Now you know why I drink.

The Wii has not one remote, as I thought, but two, forming a "nun-chuck" where you whip around both hands in an attempt to wield a sword and shield as realistically as possible. I can't play the piano very well (like most people), so I don't know why Nintendo thinks I can move my left arm AND use the joystick on that remote AND use the buttons to focus on things AND THEN ALSO wave around my right arm WHILE PUSHING YET ANOTHER BUTTON and also somehow pay attention to what's going on on-screen, and not my sudden onset palsy. Playing at swords on the Wii is about as realistic to me as playing the guitar on Guitar Hero (a game I only won by turning the volume down.)

ANYWAY, as you can see, I'm super good at attacking that training log. No seriously, that's some of my best work. Nevermind how I spend so much time standing in one place contemplating my next move that my special sword magically charges itself with... magic. Nevermind that I try to block and end up falling down or pushing the "zoom" button or any number of other wrong things. An uncoordinated attack, is what I call my fighting style.

NONE OF THAT MATTERS NOW, as my husband has moved on to a Tiger Woods game that he will more than likely be playing until the spring, because this is Ohio.

"Oh, I see. You play golf with the golf game."

It's going to be a long winter.

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