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Merlin: The Wicked Day
Oh, it's wicked, all right.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 2
Arthur sacrifices himself for Camelot... almost.
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Morgana unleashes a ghost army on Camelot.

Worst. Doctor. Ever.

DrWho-StopThat.jpg


Earlier this week, Variety reported on a comment by David Yates, director of the last few "Harry Potter" movies, that he was about to start developing a "Doctor Who" movie for BBC Worldwide (the presumably evil, L.A. based company in charge of making sucky Hollywood versions of BBC properties -- I'm guessing). Even though this report seems to be completely overblown, people have apparently started to talk about who should play the Doctor in said pipe-dream movie. I know because Simon Pegg complained about it on Twitter.

I thought it would be much more fun to think about who shouldn't be in a Doctor Who movie, and asked our Twitter followers to share their own worst case scenarios (using the hashtag #WorstDoctor). I offered up my own with Vin Diesel as the Doctor and Jessica Alba as his companion (that being my nightmare casting for any movie ever, basically), but what I got back was so much better. There were even a few I found intriguing enough to want to see.

There were plenty of suitably horrific suggestions, with Nicholas Cage, Adam Sandler, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Cruise, Charlie Sheen, Gilbert Gottfried, and Carrot Top all suggested. Actually, we got two suggestions for both Schwarzenegger and Carrot Top (our friend CBQPattyBoom included Pamela Anderson as his companion), meaning that, if this was a vote, they would be tied for most contemptible Doctor.

I don't think it's a coincidence that most of the suggestions were for Americans. As a matter of fact, lula34 probably gave the most intelligent response with "Any American actor or actress. (And I'm proud to be an American, but let's not Lee Greenwood the Tardis, please.)" However, while I don't completely agree with this, henchman21's response that "Doctor Who has some inherent silliness, so any goofy combo I come up with still feels right," isn't completely without merit, just like some of these suggestions.

@Matthew_Spicer @Geektress Will, Jada Pinkett, Willow & Jaden #WorstDoctor #Ever

"Doctor Who" reimagined as a Smith Family adventure might be the most gag inducing idea ever, but I can't help but wishing I was in a position to make it happen, just so I could rake in the bazillions of dollars it would make.

@CBQScavenger @Geektress Alex Kingston as the Doctor, David Tennant as her companion. That would totally confuse people.

This suggestion might confuse people, but it might also be a lot of fun.

@mitchc2 Matthew McConaughey and a 12-pack as his companion #WorstDoctor

Pretty sure McConaughey doesn't need a TARDIS to travel through space and time. [Only if it was his Dazed & Confused character. "I keep getting older, but they stay the same age." ~BK]

@whateversusan @Geektress George Clooney. No, wait. No, yes. Wait. Hang on. I am so confused. #WorstDoctor

I'm not really a Clooney fan, but I understand the conflict here. That's how I felt about Matthew Spicer's other suggestion of Ryan Reynolds. (You know how all the Doctors have their own "thing" -- scarves, bow ties, etc.? His could be that he's shirtless. And I'm pretty sure that being Canadian is almost exactly like being British. Right?)

@izmc I@Geektress Chuck Norris

In the eyes of the Doctor
The unsuspecting Dalek
Had better know the truth of wrong from right

It doesn't rhyme anymore, but, with the sing/talk thing he does, I bet Norris could make it work.

Finally, my two favorites:

@stevieDisme @Geektress Samuel Jackson shouldn't be the Doctor. "I'm tired of these motherfucking Daleks in this motherfucking TARDIS!"

@Geektress @stevieDisme What if he did it with an English accent?

@stevieDisme @Geektress Yeah after I typed that I realized the gold. Now we just need to cast #ActionFilmStarAdrienBrody as his companion. #TheMFDoctor

@stevieDisme @Geektress official reply: Samuel Jackson as the Doctor with #ActionFilmStarAdrienBrody as the companion #WorstDoctor #SecretlyWantThis

"Exterminate This!" (Is what I presume would be said during the final showdown. Daleks wouldn't stand a chance.)

@Nixcomics @Geektress Maybe I've just seen "Sid & Nancy" too many times, but I want Gary Oldman as Sid Vicious as The Doctor #BestWorstdoctor

@Geektress @Nixcomics And Nancy as his companion? Or Johnny Rotten?

@Nixcomics @Geektress Johnny. Nancy would be a new regeneration of the Master.

Clearly someone missed the point. I was looking for bad ideas, not the BEST. IDEA. EVER.

If you have any more suggestions, please leave them in the comments or send them to the twitter. There's a lot of good stuff here, but I'm sure we've quite reached the ideal in terrible Doctor Who casting.

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Comments (8)

Well yeah I missed the point. I'll be deliberately obtuse at the drop of a hat if it involves talking about Alex Cox movies.

Glen:

Man, I think it was almost a year ago I set up a tiger-print blanket as an acoustic baffle and declared it "Samuel L. Jackson's TARDIS." We had a hashtag going for a while, too. Shame Twitter isn't letting me dredge it up to link it. Although i seem to recall, "HIGH GALLIFREYAN, muthafucker! Do you SPEAK IT?"

Eibmoz:

Ooh, Chuck Norris could be "Doctor, Tardis Ranger"
They better not steal that, that is gold right there.

The problem with the worst is that it somehow comes around to become awesome again. Like Carrot Top would be annoying, but then it would also be clear that they are just trying to fuck with us. Nobody would take it seriously, and it would warp around to hysterical.

So the Worst Doctor would have to be someone really bland combined with a meh script. Ryan Philippe with a script that's gone through six writers, that sort of thing.

Xantesfire:

I think this would be one of those properties Hollywood likes to reinvent with way younger actors. So I see them using either Robert Pattinson or Zac Efron. And if it becomes a TV spinoff off the movie, then it'll be about the young Doctor trapped on Earth, having to attend high school in a town where strange things keep happening and he has to keep his identity a secret.

Dammit! I forgot about Geektroopers tweet suggesting Robert Pattinson. It's the worst of them all because it's so horrifyingly plausible.

Eibmoz:

The thought of that, BethanytheMartian, is making me so sad. Because they would do that.
Hollywood ruins stuff that is good. All of it. Rainbows, unicorns, Battleship.

Carey:

Vladimir Putin as the doctor, with Sarkozy as his companion. Make it happen.