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Everything New is Old Again


The interwebs is alight with the news that some jerkoff thought it was a good time to announce a Point Break remake.

First of all, no.

Second of all, no.

The 20th anniversary of Point Break was in July, and a Blu-Ray version was released to celebrate. I might be willing to give a remake a shot, IF, and ONLY IF, it were taking the "film remake of the stage musical based on the movie" approach that I hated with Hairspray.


...actually, I don't think "Point Break Live!" is a musical, but it is a stage production that's been going on in Los Angeles for four years. Every night a different person plays Johnny Utah, because Johnny Utah is always played by an audience member. (Oh, like it's so much harder to screw that character up than Keanu Reeves. Can you not say "Via con Dios"? Then you can totally do the job.) The show tried to survive in Las Vegas, briefly, and I was about to see it when it closed and moved back to L.A. Vegas just didn't get it, it wasn't French Circus enough, apparently.

Anyway, I digress. A Point Break remake? No, thanks. Tactful how you people waited until Patrick Swayze was dead to remake some of his most famous films. If there's a Ghost remake in the works, then Hollywood really has no sense of irony at all.

I don't know why they started pandering exclusively to 15 year old girls. On the one hand, Twilight was an inexplicable success among adult women as well as teenagers, so making movies out of that book series was just a no-brainer -- you're bringing in twice the audience. On the other hand, why are you remaking Red Dawn and Point Break and Dirty Dancing? FUCKING STOP IT. No one needs the Taylor Lautner version of Roadhouse AND NOW I REGRET PUTTING THAT IDEA IN YOUR HEADS.

To correct this situation, last night we started brainstorming ways to take new movies and remake them with older actors. Anyone over 45 was fair game. We started by remaking Twilight with Pierce Brosnan, Meryl Streep, and Christopher Walken. (Plus we cast Willem Dafoe and Liam Neeson in unspecified roles, as we don't actually read Twilight books.) It progressed to remaking Hannah Montana with Michelle Pfeiffer and High School Musical with Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke, Gene Wilder and Shelley Fabares. We'd remake Hunger Games as a Cheech & Chong movie... And Seth Rogan's not allowed in it AT ALL.

There is also the possibility of making a condensed Harry Potter movie with all the adults used before, plus the casts of Black Adder and Monty Python. We'd make Maggie Smith the Hermione this time around.

Carey suggested remaking Napoleon Dynamite with Ian McKellan and Danny Trejo, which is so brilliant I want to see it on Funny or Die tomorrow or I don't know how the internet can live with itself. She also suggests a Wes Anderson version of Batman -- we talked her in to casting Bill Murray as Batman and Peter O'Toole as Drunk Alfred.

Finally, we settled on a remake of Mean Girls. Starring Sophia Loren and Lauren Bacall. Maybe Debbie Reynolds as the bubbleheaded character originally played by Amanda Seyfried. I'd like Ann-Margret in the Lindsay Lohan role, but Laura says that skews too young. So maybe we get Cloris Leachman. The possibilities are only endless because of death.

The great thing about this project is figuring out who's still alive. For instance, I suggested Robert Guillaume in the Tim Meadows role, and Laura was surprised to find out he was still alive. Which means we'd have to cast Abe Vigoda in every movie, just as a public service.

The important thing is that while these octogenarian remakes may be gimmicky, so is remaking a movie with 20 year olds and parkour.

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Comments (1)


I'll never forgive them for not playing for us in Vegas. I blame Lori Petty for all this. She's become TOO POWERFUL!