You Can't Please All The Fanboys All The Time, Or At All

Merlin: The Wicked Day
Oh, it's wicked, all right.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 2
Arthur sacrifices himself for Camelot... almost.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 1
Morgana unleashes a ghost army on Camelot.

"DC Comics! Got that DC Comics here!"*

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*This was a poorly handled reference to The Wire. Thank you.

It's DC Week here at the 'Tress, and we've decided that Tuesdays should be filled with comic book crack. We've previously brought you a very special edition of World's Finest, and on the podcast, we've discussed the above-referenced issue of Wonder Woman (#155) where she marries a brussel sprout. (Read the whole thing here.)

catmancats.jpgThe first cracktastic clip I want to share with you was talked about on an upcoming podcast. It's from Freedom Fighters #10, circa 1977. "Freedom Fighters" stars Black Condor, Doll Man, The Human Bomb, Phantom Lady, The Ray, and Uncle Sam as a super obnoxious low-rent Justice League. This comic was actually part of the donations we've received for our Comics Care Package project to send to troops overseas, but I had to read this one first before I shipped it off to Afghanistan. I was not disappointed.

First of all, the issue takes place during a storyline where Doll Man has been framed for murdering the District Attorney with The Ray... allegedly. The Ray somehow escaped prosecution, and Uncle Sam and the rest of the crew pretty much decide it's better to let Lady Justice (the concept, not an actual character, though, let's just write that idea down for a Freedom Fighters revival), take over and ditch their friend Doll Man to go shopping in Minnesota. To my knowledge, that is a completely accurate summary of this comic book issue. Anyway, page 12 features Catman buying some cats. That's pretty much it. He's out at the mall, buying some cats, and the Freedom Fighters decide to bust that party up.

There's no one panel in The New Adventures of Superboy #1, Superboy's 16th Birthday edition, that I can point to and say "See? This shit's bananas!" It's not badly drawn and it's not even badly written, it just has a storyline that makes you go "Wait... WHAT?"

For some reason, the Kents like to put an extra candle on their son's birthday cake. Lana bitchily asks what that's all about, which launches in to the story for the rest of the issue. Apparently, eight years ago, a couple of aliens who had accidentally given themselves eternal life and were bored not quite to death decided the only way to assist their own suicides was to take Clark's youth.

...yeah. Nevermind that these two look like they've escaped from Santa planet, they are pretty straightforward with the Kents -- in that they show up to the farm and say "We want your son's superpowers of aging so that we can die." After a couple pages where Clark explains he wouldn't mind being eight years old forever, and how the aliens have been really honest in presenting their case, Superboy flies out in to the sky to pull a bait-and-switch with the aliens.

On the last page, Clark explains that instead of blasting himself with their youth-ray, he fried the thing with his super-vision, and then sent the aliens on their merry way. He had his fingers crossed that the placebo effect would take place. Luckily for him it apparently does, or else this would be filed in the Superdickery folder.

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The last comic I have for you today is Justice League of America #121, from 1975. I can't possibly leave you without another cracktastic wedding issue. Let me explain... no, wait. There is too much. Let me sum up: Adam Strange was about to get married to his sweetheart Alanna, when for some reason, Superman, Flash, Green Lantern, Elongated Man, and Black Canary are beamed to his planet only to be vaporized by a giant robot.

Green Arrow is pretty pissed off that his girlfriend has been kidnapped and vaporized, and, let's face it, he's probably annoyed he wasn't invited to the wedding. The remaining Justice Leaguers keep telling him to shut up whenever he starts to complain about the whole letting-my-girlfriend-get-blown-up-by-a-robot thing. He decides to stop trying to beat the snot out of Adam Strange long enough for Batman to discover there's a huge storm over Long Island and the Justice League is the only thing that can stop New York from being destroyed.

Obviously I picked this issue because IT IS RELEVANT TO OUR CURRENT INTERESTS IN THE REAL WORLD. The giant storm is actually some sort of weather alien villain thing, and it kicks Red Tornado and Aquaman in the teeth. The reinforcements sent in are Batman and Green Arrow in a rowboat.

So that goes about as well as you'd assume. I love when The Atom shows up -- hidden the entire time in Batman's boot -- just to bail back to JLA headquarters. And please note that Green Arrow's plan of attack is to jump overboard. DC is trying very hard to make me think he's a hot-headed craven, but it's not working, DC. I just want to hang out with him even more. Even if he's the sort of dude that would tell his mom that pot she found was yours, he was just holding on to it for you. And then his mom calls your mom, and you get grounded even though the KISS concert is next week.

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Anyway, the weather villain is really Kanjar Ro, an Adam Strange villain. So there's that fight, and then Adam Strange finds all the missing Justice League members plus his girlfriend. Yay, happy ending! The best part is, Green Arrow gets invited to the wedding after all. (Or, maybe he was just Black Canary's Plus One.)

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Comments (2)

I think I could have used Batman and Green Arrow in a row boat yesterday.

I love how unhappy Batman looks at the end there. Love and kissing displease The Wayne.