I love comic books, but hoo boy is it a trip being part of the comic book community, y'all. Some times it's a lot of fun, going to conventions and discussing Smallville and drinking. A lot of the time, though, there is drama. VRY SRS MELLOWDRAMAZ. Things can get out of hand very quickly, and over very little.
For instance, a few weeks ago a friend of mine blogged that he found it kind of disgusting that PR people and talk show handlers are obviously forcing young actresses to "play up the geek angle" when they make appearances to plug their superhero-related movies. Somehow this got interpreted across the Twitterverse as "ZOMG THAT DUDE SAID GIRLS CAN'T LIKE COMICS!!1!!".
So, last night, when DC announced their new publicity stunt, the whole geek world exploded. While half of my friends were debating whether Hangover 2 or Bridesmaids was better, the other half was consumed with mad confusion.
"Would Batgirl be Stephanie Brown anymore?"* "Is Tim Drake ever born?" "Will Powergirl still have boobs?"
Okay, the last one is maybe not a real question. I did have a brief heart attack when it was speculated that Gotham City Sirens might not survive the cut. But, since DC wants to keep launching 52 books a month (CBR calculates they're already putting out 56 regular titles a month,) most stuff will survive through the reboot in September, right? RIGHT?
That's the problem, here. It's all guesswork. Creative teams are being shuffled around, Gail Simone is off of Birds of Prey (which literally was just rebooted not even a year ago, same with Wonder Woman,) Action Comics will never reach #1000...
...Actually that Action Comics thing was my favorite complaint. You really think that just because they're re-numbering everything #1 now, they're not going to make a big-tittied deal out of Action Comics when it gets to 1000 issues? Haha.
Not helping the confusion was this USA Today article that quoted Geoff Johns saying something really confusing about Cyborg and cyborgs:
"He's a character I really see as the modern-day, 21st-century superhero," Johns says of Cyborg. "He represents all of us in a lot of ways. If we have a cellphone and we're texting on it, we are a cyborg — that's what a cyborg is, using technology as an extension of ourselves."
That's... not what a cyborg is. I mean, some people think wearing hearing aids or contacts makes you a cyborg, but we ignore those people in polite society. I hope he was misquoted. (Or, he has iPhones for hands and is understandably confused.)
Anyway, Gail Simone handled the questions being asked by declaring this the new age of comics: The Bacon Age of Comics. That is delicious sounding and fantastic. It also meshes well with my desire to get to Ba-Con this summer. So here are 5 things that WON'T change, even though DC is "rebooting" its universe:
5. Pancakes. They will stay fluffy and golden, and you can eat them with fruit on top (you weirdos,) or slather them in nutritious butter and syrup. Any way you prefer them, pancakes will remain pancakes, you can bet your ass on that.
4. Puppies. There will still be puppies to snuggle, and love, and take embarrassing photos of. A truly terrible dystopian future is not a Children of Men situation with no babies -- it is a future without puppies. That's not going to happen because we have science, but you can still write a story about it anyway, if you really want to bum yourself out. Rest assured, though, a puppy shortage will not happen just because Detective Comics is starting over at 1.
3. Nickelback. Sorry to do this to you after the puppy thing, but Nickelback will still be terrible. Sorry, folks. Not everything that stays the same is a positive. Vancouver's answer to Candlebox will remain popularly douchey.
2. Game of Thrones. The tv series was picked up for a second season, and the fifth book will be released next month. No matter what happens, there will be zombies and dragons and bastards and midgets in your immediate future. God bless George RR Martin.
1. Bacon. Vegans, you put up a good fight, but you will never win, because bacon. Gail Simone has the right idea -- to convince people they need to not panic, compare these changes to the most delicious food ever put on Earth. Works for me. As long as there is more bacon in the future, I'm okay with Cyborg being whatever age they want to make him.
Also, for posterity, we must preserve my new favorite webcomicist Jeffery Bee's idea for a new DC universe:
Superman and Batman are married and raising their two sons Robin and Superboy together.
Have a wonderful, bacon-and-puppy-filled day.
*UPDATE: No. Pancakes, I'm going to think about pancakes. And try to enjoy the last couple of issues of Batgirl. While eating bacon. And pancakes. And snuggling a puppy.