On November 11th, a movie I never heard of until today is releasing to theaters called Immortals. It's another sword-n-sandals half-naked-slow-mo-beheadings movie that I would rudely dismiss if not for two things: 1) the last movie I dismissed like that, Centurion, was actually awesome. 2) Tarsem Singh. (If you have Netflix, skip this post and use the Watch Instantly feature to watch The Fall. Immediately. I am not even joking.)
Wikipedia provides this summary:
Years after the Titanomachy, the Titan Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) declares war on humanity. He searches for the Epirus Bow, a legendary weapon created by the war god Ares, which will allow him to free the rest of the Titans from Tartarus and take revenge on the Olympians who brought about their downfall. In accordance with ancient laws, the gods are unable to take a side in the war between Hyperion and humanity. It is left to a peasant named Theseus (Henry Cavill), chosen by Zeus (Luke Evans) to protect his homeland and save the gods.
After the jump we have pictures and a classic email exchange.
Laura: The trailer for Immortals just came out and I think we should talk about that. It's got Superman in it. Also, Mickey Rourke and a flaming whip.
Brenda: What is the Immortals? Because I don't know. *googles* It's directed by Tarsem Singh??!?!?! ZOMG BEST MOVIE EVER
Laura: It's a bit more video game-ish than I had been hoping, but I like the flaming whip and the glowing arrows and all the posing.
Brenda: EW says that "The working title was apparently 'Clash of the 300 Gods of War in Troy, and also Mickey Rourke.'" I like that the post I found about it mentioned all the shirtlessness, on par with 300. Which of course was the best thing about 300.
Laura: Of course it is, but I somehow doubt Henry Cavill will ever make me hate him like I do Gerard Butler, even though his Superman movie is likely to be atrocious. Being in a Superman movie will keep him from getting overexposed. Superman never helped anyone's career.
Brenda: CONFUSING PRESS RELEASE INFO ALERT: Luke Evans as Zeus (with the flaming whip), John Hurt as Old Zeus (what?), Stephen Dorff as Stavros (ENTHUSIASM: fading.)
Laura: As I am not sure of the story, I can't comment on the presence of a young Zeus and an old Zeus. Presumably gods grow up and stop aging at some point, but you think they would stop before they get to John Hurt. Still, John Hurt is awesome.
Brenda: The IMDb summary said "Something something gods something something Mickey Rourke declares war on everything and is looking for a magical weapon blah dee blah Henry Cavill is Zeus's secret champion for the mortals."
You can quote me on the something something part. Also, the blah dee blah.
Laura: I bet Zeus did something dickish when he was young and now he is old and Mickey Rourke wants to get him back for it. That's how things involving Zeus normally go.
Brenda: I personally like the idea of John Hurt being all "I'd like to kick your ass but I don't feel like getting up, here's a sexy young version of me," and then that's where that comes from. "Oh, and sexy young clone me has a flaming whip," he'd say.
Laura: That works too, except, I would expect both versions of him to be out impregnating women as swans or some shit like that.
Brenda: NO SWANS, Natalie Portman is in too many damn movies already this year. I bet Mickey Rourke was like "Don't Rodrigo Santoro me, I am not down with eyeliner and cheek piercings."
Laura: I am going to have to pull out my Edith Hamilton and look up Theseus.
Brenda: When you do, will there be a half naked Henry Cavill? If not it's not worth it.
Laura: I am glad I brought up Immortals, because it is so much fun. It can be our new Shirtless Guys with Swords movie.
Brenda: I like how we have a shirtless guys with swords movie every couple of months now. Every tax quarter, there will be half naked beheadings.