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Hi, my name is Carey and I’m the new geek on the block. I am a total whore for YA and adult sci-fi and fantasy novels (hold the Twilight). I have had two great television loves in my life: The X-Files and Lost. After both of their losses, I feel like I may not be ready to date again for a while. I wish I could get paid to read comic books all day, because then I would work nights, weekends, holidays, and OT. My favorite comic book is ElfQuest (shut it) and I spend way too much money tracking down each and every one of them from 1977 to 2008.
I’m a pretty benevolent nerd most of the time, but I do enjoy my ultra violence, and that’s why for date night last week, me and the guy I married went out to see Machete. I love Tarantino, and by default must also love Rodriguez, and then must also love the Rodriguez Players.
First, let me get out of the way all the superficial reasons I love this movie:
- It was a mini Lost reunion. Ana Lucia, LaPedis, and Hurley’s Dad – all in one movie!
- It was also a Nash Bridges reunion, even though Nash and Bridges had no screen time together.
- Steven Seagal. Steven mother effing Seagal. I grew up on his movies because my aunt wanted a piece of him in the worst way. Also, Lawman is a beautiful trainwreck.
- Lots of projectile vomiting – there are few things funnier.
- Danny Trejo’s hot torso tattoo.
- Without even trying, Danny Trejo bangs every single chick in this movie. All of the women want him and all of the men know that if they were women, they would want him too.
- That dude I married has hung out with both Danny Trejo and Tom Savini and claims they are personally two of the nicest guys ever. Surprisingly, dude’s contacts with the Rodriguez Players are not why I married him.
There’s more to this movie though than puke, blood, and sex. Wait, no there isn’t. But what I love best about Machete is that it isn’t even a real freaking movie! In this age of shitty remakes, based ons, and sequels, Machete is original. But, it’s not real! What I mean is, Machete was made after the fake trailer for it got more press than the Grindhouse movies it was shown with. The trailer was a hilariously brilliant joke that got made into reality when Rodriguez realized the joke would never stop being funny. What’s even better is the fake trailer, which was made years ago, was reincorporated into the whole movie. That’s like someone deciding to build a model boat just because they had a sweet ass bottle to go around it.
If the concept and execution of Machete wasn’t awesome enough, the actual movie content didn’t disappoint either. Fake exploitation/cult movies are in right now, but not “in” in. They’re being made, small groups of people are loving them and getting the irony, and they’re making money. Machete has pushed them right to the edge of hipster like ironic popularity and soon I’m afraid they won’t be cool to like anymore. The narrative of Machete is so ridiculous, so cliché, that you have to respect it. Vengeful ex-fed – check. All powerful drug lord – check. Hot federal agent who breaks all the rules to side with the hero – check. Hot renegade chick with an eyepatch – check. Blood, booze, and boobs – check. 60 yards of intestines used as a Tarzan rope – oh yeah.
There’s only one thing about Machete that I didn’t like. So, I leave you with this warning: Lindsay Lohan gets naked. Some of you may think this is a great thing, but I swear just looking at her naked on screen will give your eyes 6 different STDs. That joke was way too easy, but it’s funny because it’s true.
P.S. Hobo with a Shotgun!!!!!