(Zombie Viking art by Jesse Turner)
As you may have gathered, we are having extreme technical difficulties on the podcast end of things lately. We've recorded three full hours of Geektress-ness, only to have it turn up "file missing or corrupted" when we try to deliver it to you, the listener.
Aside from this being a major bummer, we are losing valuable ideas in these non-casts. Take, for instance, our recent discussion of the fifty or so headless Viking corpses discovered in England. At first it was just "Wow, look at all those beheaded Vikings," but after about five minutes we'd almost entirely written the first Headless Zombie Viking movie. You see, zombies are usually stopped by destroying or damaging the brain. But what if a hoarde of headless Viking corpses were resurrected? How would you stop them then? COULD YOU STOP THEM? And so on, we theorized.
You shouldn't miss out on that kind of genius in action. So, after the jump, we've provided a handy crib sheet to zombies with no heads, followed by a lengthy email exchange between Laura and myself.
Pro: They have no head, thus they can't bite you.
Con: They have no head, thus they can't bite other people. Which means
there's not much of a threat to society to stop.
Pro: They have no vocal chords, and can't moan pathetically.
Con: They have no vocal chords, and thus can't shout "BRAAAAAINS!" as
potential comic relief.
Brenda: While I do like the idea of an unstoppable decapitated corpse with an axe, as soon as someone calls in the military, a hoarde of headless viking zombies could be put down quite easily, without all that "are those other people infected?" drama, right? You don't have to wonder about who has turned in to a zombie yet and just isn't showing it, because pretty much all the zombies will be wearing pelts, and that's easy to spot.
Laura: But the military couldn't kill them, even with nukes, because you have to crush or remove a zombie's brain in order to kill them. These have no brains.
Brenda: Well, they could dismember them a lot. Which would slow them down. Or at least, they could dis-arm them. And then remove their arms. HA! Hahahahaha. ... Ha.... ha.
Laura: They'd just pull their missing parts back to them, like when they tried blowing up the Wolfman in Monster Squad, 'cause there's only one way to kill a werewolf (which was my one problem with Wolfman, BTW).
Brenda: That's true, it would be very funny when they put themselves back together, especially if they were trying to stitch themselves back together without heads. This still does not solve the problem of non-biting zombies not being very threatening. EVEN if they run very
fast. And have axes.
Laura: If you keep the story to a small community that has limited communication to the outside world, things would get pretty tense for the protagonists. It doesn't work for the traditional zombie story, but it works well for a classic, confined space monster movie story.
Brenda: Well, this is Vikings we're talking about. We could set it in small-town Iceland. There's already plenty of crazy there.
Laura: I think the hook of the bodies being found in England works better though. The headless Vikings are pissed and out for revenge.
Brenda: Hmm. Then maybe a medieval viking zombie movie? We could just get the guys from 300 to come in and take their shirts off again and then this time they'd have no heads, so none of that yap-yap-yapping about how great Sparta is.
Laura: Wait! maybe the Vikings were headless because they were zombies!
Brenda: So, the vikings were zombies, and then their heads got taken off, and then they got magicked back to zombies?
Laura: No, that was a seperate idea.
Brenda: Ah, so that's just the Michael Bay "remake" version that incorporates the original and like three sequels in to one new movie, with terrible acting.
Laura: The Vikings attacked, and the English fought back and chopped off some heads. Then hundreds of years later -- HEADLESS VIKING ZOMBIES!
Brenda: Are we writing a planned trilogy now? Because eventually we'll get to VIKING ZOMBIES vs NINJA PIRATES! But first we'd have to get someone to write a bunch of terrible Ninja Pirate movies.
Laura: So it's like the Aliens vs Predator movie. Or Freddy vs. Jason.
Brenda: Yes. Or, maybe we'll just do VIKING ZOMBIES vs PREDATOR because creating a whole 'nother franchise of two things we like put together is time consuming. Who knows what will happen.
Laura: Headless Viking Zombies are unstoppable. They have no heads. ...they also have no sense of direction though. So they might be useless.
Brenda: Well, if we're going the "whole new generation of mashups" route, we could write Robot Monkeys. The monkeys are robots, they're kind of unstoppable. I mean, they can always re-assemble each other. Theoretically using all four limbs.
Laura: Robot Monkeys would totally defeat Headless Viking Zombies. They have a sense of direction. They could find the heads.
Brenda: Shit. This is going to take a while.
(While searching for headline graphics for this article, I discovered the webcomic Viking Zombie Boyfriend. You should, too.)