Totally explicit.

Merlin: The Wicked Day
Oh, it's wicked, all right.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 2
Arthur sacrifices himself for Camelot... almost.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 1
Morgana unleashes a ghost army on Camelot.

Dear Sam Worthington: Please Fire Your Agent. Out of a Cannon. (Into a wall.)

bootmen.jpg
Remember this, sweetness? This is back when you were still kinda blond. We could call this: Your Fun Period.


The Hollywood Reporter is confirming posts elsewhere on the web saying Universal, in a fit of stupidity, wants to produce a film called "Dracula Year Zero," "rebooting" the "Dracula myth", with Sam Worthington starring. (If I wanted to get really bitchy with the sarcastic quotations, I could write "starring," but I'm taking advice from Coco this week and trying to be less cynical. Sorta.)

In other words, Laura called it a couple of weeks ago: Sam Worthington is becoming Gerard Butler, which means soon he'll be in a romantic comedy playing a New Zealander with a peculiarly high-pitched version of his native accent, because his interpretation of a Kiwi accent means stepping on your own nuts. Or, he'll play Mr. Mistoffelees in the film version of Cats, which will star everyone else who can sing except him.

...I can't be the only one who sat through Dracula 2000, seriously. SPOILER DRACULA WAS JUDAS SPOILER. That was seriously a spoiler.

Ridiculous rant after the jump.

Sam Worthington used to be cute and Australian and do fun Australian movies. (And, as I am to understand, he did these movies while either drunk or hungover.) These weren't the greatest films on record -- Bootmen had a ludicrous pregnancy subplot; Dirty Deeds was so stylized it was almost a parody; Rogue had a gigantic man-eating crocodile, for fuck's sake.

The difference between Sam Worthington's Australian Films and Sam Worthington's American Films is: I wouldn't kick the Oz Flicks out of bed unless they wanted to do it on the floor. Terminator: Salvation I'd like to forget ever happened, but can't -- like a one night stand that gives you a scorching case of chlamydia.

I guess tap-dancing and Shakespeare got tedious, so he moved to Los Angeles, cut off his hair and starting pretending like he'd had his sense of humor removed. I liked Sam Worthington when he wasn't taking broad American dialect lessons from Christian "I'll just growl or shout or squint or all three" Bale. What I don't like are angsty robots, and ponderous blue alien coyotes.

To quote our friends at Gamma Squad: Hollywood, stop trying to make Sam Worthington happen.

And here's the real kicker: If I have to pick just one Liam Neeson movie this year, it's gonna be the A-Team. I will not even hesitate in making the decision. That Clash of the Titans remake is not even going to come close. Sorry, Sam, you are just fucking your American career up. You're making movies I can anticipate not seeing months in advance. Please either move to New York City and get some career counseling from Hugh Jackman (who can't lose even when he makes dumb prequels) or go home and let Bryan Brown beat some sense in to you. I would even settle for letting Sam Neill beat some sense in to you. AND SAM NEILL WAS IN JURASSIC PARK 3.

JURASSIC PARK 3, SAMUEL.

You aren't cute enough to pull something like that off. You once said you like to study other people's work so that you know exactly who they are and it puts them off-balance when you meet them in person. Well, clearly you haven't seen Timeline because I'M PRETTY SURE THAT MOVIE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A SCRIPT, and we all should have seen it as a sign of Gerard Butler completely dursting, despite his ripped abs. So if you don't calm down, Laura and I are going to beat you with sticks. BIG, sharp sticks.

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Comments (2)

Dion:

Well Damn. And I was going to watch Dracula 2000 tomorrow. I ask you, is there any point now?

Seriously though, how duff does a Dracula reboot sound? Are they going to pull an Attack of the Clones on us and reduce him to a whiny teenager? Will he impale thousands of victims because of angst? Is the mass-murdering legend of horror 'misunderstood.'

If so I just don't want to know.

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