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The Essence of Comedy... Is Badness

Last week, IO9 did a story about a "Splash" sequel, and we haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. According to Variety:

Universal Pictures and Imagine Entertainment have acquired "Merman," a romantic comedy script by Jennifer Abu Hollander.

Pic will be produced by Imagine's Brian Grazer, his first fish foray since "Splash," the breakout hit that forged his partnership with Ron Howard.

Story follows a merman who comes to land so he can win back his mermaid fiancee, who has left him for a real man. The story was hatched by the screenwriter and Jeff Moskowitz.

Nevermind that there's already a script by someone you've never heard of, we've got better ideas after the jump. (Naturally.)

Brenda: I keep hearing Ben Stiller in my head. "MerMAN!!"

Laura: It sounds ridiculous, like I hope/expect a merman movie to be.

Brenda: I think if they do this movie, the guy playing the Merman has to have a really hot upper body.

Laura: I think that goes without saying. Just like if they ever make that Clash of the Titans remake, the guy who plays Perseus needs to have really great legs.

Brenda: Uhm, it's Hollywood. It has to be said or we'll end up with Jonah Hill as a merman.

Laura: You're right, and realistically, I could see this turning into a Will Ferrell movie. That would not be cool. I need a Merman I can root for and lust after. Ryan Reynolds should play Merman. Or Matthew McConaughey, provided there was some sort of plot device where the Merman cannot speak.

Brenda: I want one of the gags to be that he can't wear pants. Because if I were a merperson, I'd have trouble figuring out pants. I would enjoy a movie that was all kilts. Let's set this in Scotland and cast Ewan MacGregor. It'll be like Little Voice only with merpeople.

Laura: I am in favor of kilts and Ewan McGregor. Would the girlfriend he is trying to win back be able to sing like Judy Garland?

Brenda: It'd be the other way round, since he's a merman. It'd be like "He's a beautiful walker, but he never struts in public!" Heh heh heh. The jokes will write themselves.

Laura: I hope they're better than that one.

Brenda: I hope your FACE is better than... you... I hope.... YOU SHUT UP.

....Also he should be really good at skateboarding.

Laura: You're ruining my Merman movie.

Brenda: There should also be a montage set to "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'" that's covered by Justin Hawkins. ......And there should be a talking dog.

Laura: I'm officially not fascinated by a Merman movie anymore.

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Comments (3)


They could also include a dancing scene in which he splashes water on himself at the end.

He's a merMANIAC merMANIAC on the floor!

The mispronunciation of the word "maniac" in order to make that work gives me an idea.

James Urbaniak should be the Merman.

I have to note that the first person to pop into my head for a MerMAN movie disaster was Ryan Reynolds... But that might just be the result of a strange Pavlovian response I've developed. You say "hot upper body" and I scream "Ryan Reynolds" followed by an orgasm and a giggle.

I also have to note that Bren is still funny after all these years and I miss her. And I have a Myspace that can be contacted. So, um, yeah...