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Merlin: The Wicked Day
Oh, it's wicked, all right.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 2
Arthur sacrifices himself for Camelot... almost.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 1
Morgana unleashes a ghost army on Camelot.

T:SCC Episode 22 - Earthlings Welcome Here

scc22.jpg

Well. Maybe there won't be a Riley anymore? Just as I was starting to like her, too.

EXT. DESERT - DAY - CONNORMOBILE

Sarah is DRIVING BY HERSELF.

LENA HEADEY
(V.O.)
In 1490 Cabeza de Vaca landed on the shores of the New World.

No, no he didn't. He was born in 1490. He landed in Florida in 1528, but whatever, show. Keep lying.

LENA HEADEY
(V.O.)
He was immediately captured and almost all his companions murdered. Enslaved, he chose to embrace his captor's beliefs and learn their ways.

Jesus. Cabeza de Vaca's boss, Panfilo de Narvaez, stupidly decided to send 300 of his men wandering away from their ships. After getting lost and staggering around the Gulf Coast a few months, a quarter of these men had died of disease and the odd attack from the native Floridian tribes. When they tried to cross the Gulf on makeshift rafts, all but 80 of the men died. Eventually it dwindled to just four men, one of them de Vaca.

Then he wanders around Mexico and Texas for 8 years, trading between tribes. Sigh. It's called GOOGLE, motherfuckers.

LENA HEADEY
(V.O.)
He became a healer and attracted his own following of believers. The desert transformed him. He was not the first. He would not be the last.

Okay, if this was the point of the monologue (and, sadly, the only part that's factual) why couldn't we say he landed in 1528, again? Why'd it get changed to 1490? Is someone just half-assing these voice overs? Was it merely a typo that no one thought to check? Even though Columbus didn't set sail until 1492? Fuck you, show. This is why you're still mediocre.

I'm such an asshole I'm going to include my revised voiceover:

CORRECTED COPY
(V.O.)
In 1528 Cabeza de Vaca landed on the shores of the New World. He was one of the handful of survivors of a failed attempt to colonize Florida for Spain. After months of wandering the Gulf Coast, most of his companions falling victim to a hurricane, he found himself in Texas. In the desert, he saw the atrocities of the Spanish Conquistadors over the natives. He became a healer, attracting a following of people who believed he had the power over life and death. The desert had transformed him. He was not the first. He would not be the last.

INT. CONVENTION CENTER - UFO CONVENTION

Sarah has gone to the UFO CONVENTION in order to CHASE A LEAD in her big THREE DOT CONSPIRACY MYSTERY. Apparently people have seen FLYING SAUCERS with THREE LIGHTS in the configuration that Sarah has SEEN IN HER NIGHTMARES. (Three dots in a pyramid formation, Sarah. Not that unique. ANYWAY.)

AVON BARKSDALE'S SISTER Dr. Barbara Morris (MICHAEL HYATT) is having some sort of support group meeting and picks Sarah out of the crowd.

LENA HEADEY
My son doubts me. This is a great disturbance in The Force.

MICHAEL HYATT
My son was set up and then killed by my own brother. Oh, wait, sorry. I'm thinking of a much better tv show.

OUTSIDE, a professor of dorkitude is explaining his diorama of DRONE SIGHTINGS.

LENA HEADEY
How do you know these drones are alien and not military?

PROFESSOR DORKASS
Pff! Pfff! It's clearly aliens! The drones were made out of indestructible metal! It says so on this anonymous blog!

LENA HEADEY
How do you know the anonymous blogger isn't a robot sent back in time to engineer the destruction of all mankind?

PROFESSOR DORKASS
Pff! Pfff! Get out of here, you square! Doubting Thomas, Doubting Thomas!

DINAH LENNEY shows up and beckons Sarah away at the mention of the anonymous blogger, ABRAHAM. Having watched tv my entire life, I know in that second that DINAH IS ABRAHAM, but knowing how Sarah likes to remain completely oblivious to everything but robots and how to blow them up, she gets a pass for not figuring this out.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE, JOHN'S ROOM

Sarah calls John on her way to ABRAHAM'S DESERT SHACK.

LENA HEADEY
Hey, I got a lead on my ufo thing from a blogger.

THOMAS DEKKER
(sarcastically)
Pfff. Bloggers.

Hey, fuck you, John. At least I know how to use Google.

LENA HEADEY
Stop being such an emo jerk, John.

John HANGS UP THE PHONE and goes back to DE-WALLPAPERING HIS ROOM. Riley bounces in with SMOOTHIES.

LEVIN RAMBIN
I'm so tortured and sad! I ranted about the apocalypse to my foster mom and got kicked out.

THOMAS DEKKER
Okay. I'm still not telling you about the killer robots, but keep trying.

Cameron walks in and is PISSED THERE ARE NO SMOOTHIES FOR HER.

THOMAS DEKKER
Go get us more paint, Cameron.

SUMMER GLAU
Bite my luscious metal ass.

INT. UNDERGROUND BUNKER - THE FUTURE

Jesse is standing around being useless (Hey! So it's the same in the future, too!) and Riley (!) with dirty messed-up hair, is scavenging about the bunker. Jesse pulls her aside and notes that Riley is "pretty". Creep factor: 110.

INT. EILEEN/ABRAHAM'S TRAILER OUT IN THE DESERT.

Eileen/Abraham has a bunch of DRONE PHOTOS and what look like ENGINEERING BLUEPRINTS FOR DRONES in her trailer.

EILEEN/ABRAHAM
I know a suspicious buttload about "Abraham." His real name's Alan and he's a genius and handsome and the bestest maker of Camomile Tea there is. Would you like some Camomile Tea?

Sarah DOES NOT FIGURE IT OUT YET and talks about LIDAR with Eileen/Alan.

LENA HEADEY
So, why are you out here hiding in the desert?

EILEEN/ALAN
Why does anyone hide out in the desert? Why did you hide out in the desert? FIGURE THIS OUT ALREADY.

Sarah and Eileen/Alan shoot the shit some more about HOW GREAT SOLITUDE IS. Then Eileen/Alan points out her "Abraham Sitings" list. They decide to HUNT ABRAHAM DOWN.

*headdesk*

EXT. BACK ALLEYWAY - NIGHT - UNDETERMINED MONTHS AGO

Jesse and Riley TRANSPORT TO THE PAST in their ENERGY BUBBLE. They escape to JESSE'S (NEW) HOTEL ROOM APARTMENT. Riley takes in all the MUNDANE DETAILS of the room with WONDER AND AWE.

LEVIN RAMBIN
I love lamp!

STEPHANIE JACOBSEN
Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?

LEVIN RAMBIN
I love lamp! I love lamp. I love... carpet. I love throw pillow!

Perhaps STEPHANIE JACOBSEN is the BITCHY DRAMA QUEEN I imagine she is OFFSCREEN and DEMANDED A BETTER HAIR STYLIST on this day, because Jesse's hair is combed and shiny and pretty, and Riley's hair is still matted, tangled, and a general NEST IN NEED OF PANTENE PRO-V. Jesse CLEANS RILEY UP and PUTS HER TO BED.

A LOT OF PEOPLE are speculating that RILEY IS REALLY A LESBIAN because of the LOOKS SHE GIVES JESSE HERE, but I think I'm going to give Levin Rambin some credit and say: If some RANDOM AUSTRALIAN transported you to A WORLD THAT WAS NOT RUN BY ROBOTS and gave you clean sheets and shampoo, would you not LOOK TO THAT PERSON AS SOME SORT OF GOD?

INT. JOHN CONNOR'S ROOM - PRESENT DAY

LEVIN RAMBIN
I love paint! I love wall! I love room.

THOMAS DEKKER
Are you feeling okay?

John tries to pick ERRANT WALLPAPER SHAVINGS out of Riley's hair and NOTICES A BRUISE ON HER FACE.

THOMAS DEKKER
If your foster dad did this, I'll KICK HIS ASS!

Riley RUNS OFF CRYING. Why do I feel this will be a COMMON OCCURRENCE in John Connor's love life?

INT. ZEIRA CORPORATION'S SECRET BASEMENT A.I. ROOM

SHIRLEY MANSON is still trying to convince Agent Ellison to teach some morals and ethics to her new robot JOHN HENRY.

RICHARD T. JONES
I'm not teaching this robot the Bible.

SHIRLEY MANSON
I thought having ONE DAY to think about it would change your mind.

It's been FOUR EPISODES and only ONE DAY HAS PASSED, EVERYBODY. At least in ZeiraCorp world.

RICHARD T. JONES
I'm not teaching the robot because the robot killed the only other black recurring character on this show.

SHIRLEY MANSON
Come on, you want kids, right? I can tell! You want kids. So here's a robot substitute. Instead of a dog, a robot. It'll be cool. Also, I got the robot on a remote control, check it out!

Agent Ellison PUSHES THE OFF BUTTON on the REMOTE and GARRET DILLAHUNT puts his MIME WORKSHOP SKILLS TO USE and slumps over.

RICHARD T. JONES
What happens when we finish teaching it? He'll be a super strong super smart robot, you dingbat.

SHIRLEY MANSON
I'm unconcerned for reasons you haven't figured out yet. C'mon, teach my robot the Bible! Pleeeease?

Agent Ellison LEAVES.

INT. DINER

Sarah is having coffee with Eileen/Alan in A DINER THAT ABRAHAM HAS BEEN SPOTTED IN.

EILEEN/ALAN
I can't believe you haven't figured this out yet. Don't you read up on your alien sightings message boards?

LENA HEADEY
I hate computers. So, where's Abraham?

EILEEN/ALAN
(sighs)
I gotta take a leak.

Sarah sees A WAITRESS and REMEMBERS HOW SHE USED TO HAVE FUN. Then she HALLUCINATES and sees NUTHOUSE SARAH and remembers that SHE USED TO BE CRAZY(er).

Sarah busts in to THE BATHROOM because SHE'S GOOD AT THAT, and she FINDS EILEEN WIPING OFF HER MAKEUP.

EILEEN/ALAN
I can't believe I have to spell this out for you, but I'M ABRAHAM.

INT. EILEEN/ALAN'S TRAILER IN THE DESERT

EILEEN/ALAN
I used to be a dude. But all the stuff I told you about Alan Parks is still true.

LENA HEADEY
Who are you hiding from?

EILEEN/ALAN
A mysterious company I don't know the name of! I was working on a mysterious project I didn't know the name of! When I started blogging about it they tried to kill me! So I ran away.

LENA HEADEY
Here's a doozy of a question: If you're so scared for your life that you'll become a transexual, why in the hell are you telling me all this?

EILEEN/ALAN
You just seem like the kind of person a transexual engineer on the run from a mysterious corporation can trust.

LENA HEADEY
Okay. So let's go find some proof of what you're saying.

Sarah and Eileen/Alan decide to go CHECK OUT ALAN'S STORAGE UNIT. ^^^This is NOT DOUBLE ENTENDRE.^^^

INT. CONNOR BATHROOM

Riley is having a FLASHBACK to THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. Jesse is DROPPING HER OFF. Riley muses that SHE'S NEVER SEEN AUTUMN and I FEEL SORT OF SORRY FOR HER. They hear a DOG BARK and both of them FREAK OUT A LITTLE.

STEPHANIE JACOBSEN
Suck it up, Riley. Go to school.

In the present, Riley tries COVERING UP HER BRUISE with makeup. Outside John's room, Riley runs in to Cameron.

SUMMER GLAU
Hey, what happened to your face?

LEVIN RAMBIN
Uh... I bumped in to a door?

SUMMER GLAU
Hmm. Classic excuse of someone suffering from domestic abuse. But, anyway, your tattoo is neat! I'm sure it will have some significance in the future and I am totally creeping you out right now.

LEVIN RAMBIN
I am completely creeped out.

THOMAS DEKKER
Hey, whatcha guys talking about? Robots?

They DISCUSS TATTOOS SOME MORE and Cameron tells John they need to talk PRIVATELY.

EXT. AGENT ELLISON'S CHURCH

Agent Ellison GETS SOME SHIT about SKIPPING OUT ON CHURCH LATELY and then reveals the reason he got divorced was because SEPTEMBER 11TH TOOK AWAY HIS WIFE'S MOJO FOR HAVING KIDS. Also, she TERMINATED HER PREGNANCY. (Seriously, he says "terminated." Heh.) Ellison is still TRYING TO DECIDE if he should TEACH THE BIBLE TO A ROBOT.

INT. EILEEN/ALAN'S STORAGE FACILITY

Eileen/Alan's "research" and "proof" is gone. SHOCKING.

Outside, a HOODED FIGURE ON A MOTORCYCLE tries to SHOOT SARAH AND EILEEN/ALAN. The COOL RIDER FAILS.

INT. EILEEN/ALAN'S DESERT TRAILER

Sarah is PISSED OFF.

LENA HEADEY
Who are you working for?!

EILEEN/ALAN
I don't know! Why are you not more upset about our almost getting shot?!?

LENA HEADEY
Shut up! Let's have a conversation about you being a shemale!

Eileen delivers a very eloquent monologue about how she was always a woman, she was just scared to admit it. She lacked the courage to live how she wanted to, and being forced into hiding gave her the opportunity to change. She wonders how many people get the chance to face their real fears.

LENA HEADEY
I, uh. Used to be a waitress.

Eileen doesn't know where the SECRET DRONE LAB is because they were USHERED THERE IN SECRECY. Sarah suggests they go visit Dr. Morris, the HYPNOTHERAPIST from EARLIER IN THE EPISODE.

INT. JESSE'S APARTMENT - EARLIER THAT DAY

Riley is UPSET about GETTING KICKED OUT OF HER FOSTER HOME. Jesse is UPSET that Riley CAME TO JESSE'S HIDEOUT. Riley wants SOMEONE TO TALK TO. Jesse wants to SMACK RILEY ACROSS THE FACE.

And SHE DOES.

STEPHANIE JACOBSEN
Your job is to keep John away from Cameron! I don't know how you can do that since the two of them live together! But anyway!

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT

Cameron is HAVING A CHAT with John.

SUMMER GLAU
Earlier, when I was pretending to be interested in tattoos, I was taking Riley's temperature. So I know she's lying about stuff.

THOMAS DEKKER
Will you stop freaking out my girlfriend?

John WALKS AWAY and sees that Riley has LOCKED HERSELF IN THE BATHROOM. He has Cameron BREAK DOWN THE DOOR. Riley is in there, with her WRISTS SLIT. Maybe she was trying to GET RID OF HER SHITTY TATTOO.

INT. DR. MORRIS'S OFFICE

Dr. Morris is having a GROUP THERAPY MEETING when Sarah BARGES IN. Somehow Sarah convinces Dr. Morris to DITCH THE MEETING and HELP HYPNOTIZE EILEEN. As Eileen is hugging Sarah, Sarah slips a BUG into Eileen's purse. Nice.

INT. ZEIRA CORP'S BASEMENT A.I. ROOM

Agent Ellison is playing chess with JOHN HENRY. Guess he DECIDED TO TEACH THE BIBLE to A ROBOT.

RICHARD T. JONES
Do you miss Dr. Sherman? You know, the guy you killed?

GARRET DILLAHUNT
You mean, you're not Dr. Sherman? I have trouble telling you people apart.

RICHARD T. JONES
John Henry, let me teach you a little something about Rosa Parks and why you're about to get your ass whipped.

GARRET DILLAHUNT
Why does it matter if I kill one dude or a thousand? All humans die anyway.

RICHARD T. JONES
Because God created humans and that means we're awesome. Awesomer than the other stuff God created, even.

GARRET DILLAHUNT
Did God create me, too?

RICHARD T. JONES
This is gonna take a while. Maybe we should rent Battlestar Galactica.

INT. DR. MORRIS'S OFFICE

Dr. Morris is HYPNOTIZING Eileen. Sarah is LISTENING IN out in her CONNORMOBILE. She sees a COP and HIDES OUT, missing the ASSASSIN that KILLS DR. MORRIS AND EILEEN.

Man, this show really doesn't like keeping therapists around.

LATER, Sarah is LISTENING TO HER RECORDING OF EILEEN'S THERAPY SESSION and uses the CLUES to FIND THE WAREHOUSE WHERE THE DRONE LAB IS.

In the therapy session, Eileen reveals that SHE LIKED NOT KNOWING ABOUT THE COMPANY SHE WORKED FOR, because THEY NEVER KNEW THE REAL HER ANYWAY. She also says she's really "a waitress," which I guess means that INSIDE SHE'S REALLY A WARRIOR LIKE SARAH.

INT. SECRET DRONE LAB THAT LOOKS LIKE A BARN

Sarah BUSTS IN to the SECRET DRONE LAB with only a HANDGUN and a couple of PIPE BOMBS. Soon the security guard OVERPOWERS HER and SHOOTS HER IN THE LEG, but after a struggle she SHOOTS HIM DEAD.

As Sarah is CRAWLING AWAY, she sees the WAITRESS SARAH standing IN THE DOORWAY TO THE OUTSIDE, and NUTHOUSE SARAH waiting FARTHER INSIDE THE LAB. Sarah drags herself outside to the Waitress Sarah.

Up in the sky, Sarah sees ONE OF THE DRONES descending towards her. It has THREE SPOTLIGHTS... like dots!... ARRANGED IN A CIRCLE... just like her dreams!

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Hahahaha, psyche. I wasn't in this episode.

That joke never gets old with me.

FADE OUT.

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