Awesome Twilight art is by the talented Amanda Bussell
So, if you listen to the podcast, you've already heard that this weekend, Laura and I discovered the horror that is Twilight. After reading through Cleo Linda's hilarious recaps, I felt it was totally necessary to compile a list of things I didn't realize I didn't know about vampires and werewolves. Full list after the jump (and a bit of email exchange classic™).
Brenda: Fair warning, Laura. I'm reading a recap of Twilight book four. I'm gathering a list of terrible things about it.
Laura: It gets worse than vampires that sparkle?
Brenda: Yes. Pick one: Incestuous thoughts. Baby-lusting. Performing a cesarean with your fangs. Discussing a time-share situation for your wife's vagina. I mean, seriously. There is no way this book is ever being made into a movie.
Laura: EW! EW! EWWWW! ...And yet, now I kind of want to read it, 'cause I'm sick like that.
Brenda: As Cleolinda has observed: "...was it like fucking a popsicle? These are the questions I find myself asking."
Laura: I thought of that when I saw the trailer. I couldn't imagine why anyone would want to touch someone whose skin was that cold.
Brenda: Well, she is clumsy. Perhaps she needs an ice pack all the time to cover her sprains.
- "Nyquil Drinker" is a perfectly acceptable substance abuse problem.
- You don't have to actually research anything if you want to become a successful published author.
- Middle names suck. Just smoosh the two names together, like Brangelina, and name your kid that.
- You know a guy RILLY LIKES YOU if he hangs around outside of your house. All night long. Without you knowing about it.
- Death by gang rape.
- The only thing more important than being married young is having babies.
- "Death by public sparkling."
- 18 is too young to get married, but not too young to become the undead. Or have the babies of the undead.
- Girls can't understand the mechanics of motorcycles! LOL!
- Plot? What plot?
- Werewolves become werewolves because (a) they're in close proximity to a vampire (b) they caught a violent were-flu (c) they have the misfortune of being brown-skinned (d) it's part of their culture heritage to shapeshift (e) all of the above. Stephenie Meyer picked "e, all of the above."
- Edward is 108 years old and is still a virgin, because he's not realistic in any way.
- 108 year old virgin vampires LOOOOOVE hanging out in highschool biology classes.
- Werewolves pick up chicks by "imprinting" on their "soul mates." Which is a lot like "brain betrothal" or "mind fucking."
- If it starts to become weird that your ex-boyfriend has become brain betrothed to your newborn baby girl, just make it so she grows up like, 10 times faster than normal kids, so your ex only has to wait like, 2 years before he can fuck YOUR DAUGHTER.
- Every vampire identifies everyone else by their unique and special Glade Brand Vampire Scent™.
- Some people's Glade Brand Vampire Scent™ makes their newly vampired daughters want to fuck them.
- Every vampire has a special unique-snowflake skill, except for the ones Stephenie Meyer can't be bothered to think up skills for.
- Werewolves don't fall in love and have babies! They fall in love WITH babies!
- Vampires are terrible midwives, because they don't understand how scalpals work.
- Werewolves can apparently read each other's thoughts whether they want to or not. Even sexy-time thoughts. AWKWARD.
- Vampires go hunting for mountain lions in high heels and satin cocktail dresses. OF COURSE!
- Did I mention that werewolves love to mind fuck babies? BABIES. NEWBORNS.
- Vampires don't melt in the sun! LOL! Vampires *sparkle.*