You're never too old to love something stupid, fun and shirtless.

Merlin: The Wicked Day
Oh, it's wicked, all right.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 2
Arthur sacrifices himself for Camelot... almost.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 1
Morgana unleashes a ghost army on Camelot.

T:SCC Episode 16 - Brothers of Nablus

scc16.jpg

INT. JAMES ELLISON'S HOUSE

Agent Ellison is ENJOYING BREAKFAST, when a second Agent Ellison BREAKS DOWN THE FRONT DOOR and points a gun at his head. Then a hand PUNCHES THROUGH Robot Ellison's chest, removing some sort of ROBOT HARDWARE. It's Cromartie Dillahunt.

CROMARTIE DILLAHUNT
Skynet's trying to kill you, but I think you're super keen. That's why I killed this robot and shall dispose of it for you.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT

Sarah, Cameron, and John return home to find their new hideout has been RANSACKED. Sarah calls Derek, who's currently in bed with his new hot squeeze, the ANNOYING CHICK from Razor.

LENA HEADEY
(on the phone)
What the fuck did you come back from the future for if you're not going to hang out to foil burglars all day?!

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
You're not my mom!

LENA HEADEY
Shut up, they took all our shit. Even our fake passports. How will we ever get to Fake Mexico without Fake Passports?

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Keep your pants on, I'll be right there. I just gotta put my pants on first.

INT. FUTURE GIRLFRIEND'S LOVE NEST

STEPHANIE JACOBSEN
Oh, gosh, is it morning already? Should I haul my ass out of bed and stop being a lazy jerk?

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
I gotta go and do actual work. Make sure you lay about and do a whole lot of nothing while I'm gone.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT

SUMMER GLAU
They took my leather jacket!

LENA HEADEY
Son of mine, if you're such an awesome whiz kid with electronics, how come our security alarm never went off?

SUMMER GLAU
Because John's dumbass girlfriend forgot to set it when she left the house last night.

THOMAS DEKKER
You become more and more like an annoying sister every day, tattletale.

SUMMER GLAU
I loved that fucking jacket!

LENA HEADEY
What do we do if criminals or killer robots find our fake ids?

SUMMER GLAU
I want my jacket! And I want to move to Canada!

JUST THEN, extremely pregnant neighborlady Kacy walks in with some COOKIES and SEES THE MESS. Sarah TELLS SOME LIES so Kacy doesn't bother to call THE POLICE. Sarah and Cameron leave to go FUCK SOMEONE'S SHIT UP. John is left behind to be the bitch and CLEAN UP the mess.

INT. HALFWAY HOUSE

JILLIAN ARMENANTE is busy scanning photos of all the runaways that have come in to the halfway house. She SCANS IN Cameron's photo and ten seconds later, Cromartie SEES IT on the laptop he has in his convertible that MAGICALLY GETS WIFI while driving down the road and is somehow TUNED DIRECTLY IN TO THE HALFWAY HOUSE COMPUTER.

Robot magic!

INT. CONNOR TRUCK

Sarah calls her credit card company and tells them her son has STOLEN HER CARDS. They tell her they'll call her if there are any charges. Because credit card companies are JUST THAT HELPFUL.

LENA HEADEY
(to Cameron)
Why didn't you snitch on John sooner? This entire episode wouldn't be necessary.

SUMMER GLAU
What am I, his mother?

INT. HALFWAY HOUSE

Cromartie Dillahunt walks up to JILLIAN as she's WORKING and asks if she's seen Cameron. She makes him GET IN THE BACK OF THE LINE.

JODY
Hey, remember me? I got choked by Cameron earlier. I know where she and her creepy brother John hang out.

CROMARTIE DILLAHUNT
Awesome, you get to help me find them.

JODY
Road trip!

INT. AGENT ELLISON'S HOUSE

COPS show up at Ellison's front door. He tries to TEST THEM to SEE IF THEY'RE ROBOTS by asking them the score of the LOCAL ATHLETIC CLUB'S latest game. He has forgotten that the LAST ROBOT just KICKED IN HIS DOOR and didn't WAIT FOR HIM TO ANSWER.

COP
You're weird, and also under arrest for the murder of some dude.

INT. JEWISH DIAMOND DEALER'S OFFICE

JEWISH DIAMOND PEDDLER
Let's talk about the Torah!

LENA HEADEY
No. Shut it.

DIAMOND GUY shows Cameron all the DIAMONDS he's bought in the last week. She uses her TERMINATOR VISION to pick out which ones are theirs.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Tell us who sold you our diamonds.

DIAMOND GUY
Okay, fine. His name's Walter Ostrowski.

LENA HEADEY
That was suspiciously easy.

INT. CROMARTIE'S CONVERTIBLE

JODY
Wow, you're weird for a cop.

CROMARTIE
I told you, idiot meatbag, I'm not a cop.

JODY
So, did Cameron try to choke you to death, too?

CROMARTIE
....Yes?

JODY
Cool, revenge killings.

INT. GROCERY STORE

John and Riley are SHOPPING.

RILEY
Dude, sorry about being a moron.

THOMAS DEKKER
Don't worry about it, it's only my life and stuff.

Cromartie and Jody SHOW UP at the GROCERY STORE and start ASKING AROUND. Jody is AN IDIOT and KNOCKS OVER A DISPLAY, distracting the KILLER ROBOT enough so that he TOTALLY MISSES John and Riley while they're SHOPPING CASUALLY.

INT. POLICE LINEUP / POLICE STATION

EYEWITNESS GUY picks Agent Ellison out of a lineup. Then a DETECTIVE questions Ellison.

RICHARD T. JONES
I totally didn't kill that one dude.

DETECTIVE
You're clearly insane from surviving a killer robot attack.

RICHARD T. JONES
I'll be lawyering up now.

DETECTIVE
Whatever, anyone who runs around killing people in the nude is obviously crazy.

RICHARD T. JONES
In the nude, you say? A guy who looks just like me, you say? Gosh, I'm just putting this whacky puzzle together.

INT. DR. OSTROWSKI'S OFFICE

Cameron and Sarah BUST IN to question WALTER.

LENA HEADEY
Are you the dude that took our diamonds?

WALTER
I'm just a dentist!

THE LYING DENTIST takes off down the hallway and runs to the PARKING LOT, where he tries to GET IN HIS CAR, but Cameron RIPS THE FUCKING DOOR OFF. Derek drives up for good measure.

LENA HEADEY
Where's all our shit?

WALTER
I didn't steal from you! But I do owe the Diamond Dude a bunch of money. I'll get it, I swear!

THE LYING DENTIST leaves to go get some money.

LENA HEADEY
When did I turn into Dog the Bounty Hunter?

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
When did your son turn into such a wussy?

LENA HEADEY
He learned it by watching you!

INT. DIAMOND SELLER'S DIAMOND LAIR

Sarah, Cameron, and Derek bust in with GUNS.

LENA HEADEY
Here's your damned money. Now where the hell is my shit?

DIAMOND DUDE
Some punk in the valley did it! I swear!

INT. CROMARTIE'S CONVERTIBLE

Cromartie is going DOOR TO DOOR in the NEIGHBORHOOD of the GROCERY STORE, looking for JOHN CONNOR.

JODY
This is a total waste of time! You're dumb! I'm hungry! I want a slurpee! I hate Cameron! You're creepy! I have to pee! Wahn wahn!

Cromartie gets TIRED OF HER SHIT and PUNCHES HER TO THE CURB.

EXT. SOME POOL

Jessie is LAYING AROUND SUNTANNING. Derek WALKS UP.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
The Diamond Dude keeps talking about you in front of Sarah. That's a total boner killer.

STEPHANIE JACOBSEN
Shut up and put suntan lotion on me.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
When do you leave your poolside retreat and go back to the future to keep killing robots?

STEPHANIE JACOBSEN
I dunno, I hear that Macy's is having a blowout Labor Day Sale and I totally don't want to miss it.

EXT. CONNOR HIDEOUT, SIDE B

Cromartie has found the DUPLEX that the CONNORS are RENTING. KACY answers the DOOR on HER SIDE OF THE HOUSE.

CROMARTIE GARRET
I'm totally Cameron's uncle and I'm looking for her.

BUSY PHILIPPS
Even though I was totally obsessed with Beast Wizard, I for some reason can't recognize you. Also you're creepy so I have no idea who Cameron is. For all you know.

Cromartie STALKS NEXT DOOR to knock on the CONNOR'S DOOR. Riley and John are UNPACKING GROCERIES when THE PHONE RINGS. Riley PICKS IT UP even though John TELLS HER NOT TO. It's KACY, giving John the HEAD'S UP.

JUST THEN, Cromartie KNOCKS ON THE DOOR. John PEES HIMSELF. Riley INSISTS on ANSWERING THE DOOR even though JOHN TELLS HER NOT TO. Do you SENSE A PATTERN HERE.

CROMARTIE
Have you seen this girl?

RILEY
Nope! La la la!

Cromartie BUSTS IN THE HOUSE and starts to SCAN IT with his TERMINATOR VISION. Meanwhile, John is HIDING OUT WITH A HUGE SHOTGUN. Riley somehow (BLIND LUCK) chases off Cromartie.

INT. THIEVING BUM'S PARENT'S HOUSE

Sarah and Cameron are looking for one of the DIPSHIT KIDS who RIPPED THEM OFF.

BUM'S DAD
Our son is a bum!

BUM'S MOM
We're sorry for the trouble.

BUM'S DAD
Our son is an indie filmmaking bum!

BUM'S MOM
He's really a good boy.

BUM'S DAD
Our son is a 34 year old bum!

LENA HEADEY
Excuse me, but where can we find your son?

BUM'S DAD
Like all bums, he hangs out in the local bowling alley. No good bum!

INT. JAIL VISITOR'S ROOM

CATHERINE WEAVER has come to VISIT with Agent Ellison.

SHIRLEY MANSON
I bet it was robots, wasn't it.

RICHARD T. JONES
If I say "no," you know i'll mean "yes." So no.

INT. JOHN CONNOR'S CAR

John and Riley are DRIVING SOMEWHERE.

RILEY
I'm awesome! I'm awesome! Me, me, me!

THOMAS DEKKER
I can't believe you almost got yourself killed.

RILEY
Admit I'm awesome! Admit I'm awesome!

THOMAS DEKKER
Fine, you're awesome! For some reason I find this all endearing.

INT. SARAH CONNOR'S TRUCK

LENA HEADEY
What is with all the Jesus talk today?

SUMMER GLAU
The Old Testament was awesome. There was plenty of revenge killings and talk about penises. Even for a robot, I can appreciate that.

LENA HEADEY
Well, I'm glad you've found something to do with your time.

Cromartie, who is RIDING AROUND in his CONVERTIBLE SOMEWHERE ELSE, is SOMEHOW TRACKING Sarah's credit cards, SEES THE CHARGES that the indie filmmaking bums have CHARGED TO IT at the LOCAL BOWLING ALLEY.

INT. INTERROGATION ROM

The "DETECTIVE" from earlier INTERROGATES the EYEWITNESS and manages to WHEEDLE out of the WITNESS that "Agent Ellison" APPEARED in a BUBBLE OF LIGHT, NAKED. This confession makes the WITNESS look TOTALLY CRAZY.

Everything's coming up TERMINATOR.

INT. BOWLING ALLEY

A trio of FILMMAKING IDIOTS are BOWLING and "brainstorming" about ZOMBIE MOVIES. They TOTALLY STEAL my IDEA to make A HISTORICAL ZOMBIE MOVIE. There's a LOT OF THAT GOING AROUND.

Cameron and Sarah walk in.

SUMMER GLAU
(pulling out a gun)
I WANT MY GODDAMNED LEATHER JACKET!

Sarah notices FOUR PAIRS of shoes. As she leaves to look for the FOURTH GUY, Cameron EXECUTES all the IDIOTS.

SUMMER GLAU
Never mess with a robot's outerwear.

Sarah finds the FOURTH GUY in the BATHROOM, and stupidly decides NOT TO KILL HIM. Sarah and Cameron leave.

INT. JAIL

The "DETECTIVE" walks in and tells Agent Ellison that he's FREE TO GO because the WITNESS is a NUTJOB.

Then the DETECTIVE leaves and MORPHS INTO CATHERINE WEAVER. Man, she doesn't even wait till she's out of the parking lot to switch out.

INT. DIAMOND DEALER'S OFFICE

The DIAMOND DUDE has been KILLED BY JESSIE, who is RIFLING THROUGH THE OFFICE when Derek walks in.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Cool. Stealing all his stuff could never be a bad idea.

STEPHANIE JACOBSEN
I like stealing and killing things. You ever notice that about me?

EXT. AGENT ELLISON'S EX-WIFE'S HOUSE

Agent Ellison is SPYING on his EX-WIFE. She CATCHES ON and HAS A TALK with him.

FAY WOLF
Look, I know I'm gorgeous, but stalking is weird.

RICHARD T. JONES
I'm having a really bad day.

FAY WOLF
You know what would help that? Therapy. And coffee! Come inside and we'll have a session.

RICHARD T. JONES
No thanks, I'll go back to brooding silently.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT

John is just finishing up CLEANING THE HOUSE when Sarah and Cameron come home.

SUMMER GLAU
I got my jacket back!

LENA HEADEY
You can't bring Riley home anymore, obviously.

THOMAS DEKKER
You're just jealous because I have a girlfriend! You just don't understand! Why did you let me kill Sarkissian? I'm so sad about that! Wahn wahn wahn!

John STOMPS OFF to go BROOD SILENTLY.

INT. CATHERINE WEAVER'S OFFICE

Agent Ellison is meeting with Catherine to TALK ABOUT STUFF.

SHIRLEY MANSON
So, I bet there was a robot that looked like you that tried to kill you. Funny how I know all this stuff.

RICHARD T. JONES
I have no idea what is going on.

SHIRLEY MANSON
You're just like Job. I know you like Bible Talk. Let's talk about how God -- Skynet -- spared you.

INT. BOWLING ALLEY

Cromartie is interrogating the SURVIVING BUM. Of course the kid GIVES UP THE CONNOR HIDEOUT LOCATION.

CROMARTIE
Aww, don't be afriad of the killer girl robot. I can regrow my own skin!

FADE OUT.

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