This website belongs to the fucking Batgirl!

Merlin: The Wicked Day
Oh, it's wicked, all right.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 2
Arthur sacrifices himself for Camelot... almost.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 1
Morgana unleashes a ghost army on Camelot.

T:SCC The Tower is Tall But The Fall Is Short

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Sarah Connor Chronicles was finally picked up for another nine episodes, rounding out its season order to twenty-two. Hurray!

INT. PSYCHOLOGIST DUDE'S HOUSE

Sarah and Cameron are casing some dude's house.

LENA HEADEY
(V.O.)
My daddy was a war veteran! I bet you didn't know that. He had some Post Traumatic Stress problems, but he made sure to bottle that up like only The Greatest Generation could.

DR. BOYD SHERMAN, a child psychologist and family therapist, hears Sarah and Cameron RUMMAGING AROUND IN HIS HOUSE and comes downstairs to INVESTIGATE. Sarah and Cameron ESCAPE OUT A WINDOW before he finds them.

INT. CONNOR GIANT TRUCK

LENA HEADEY
So this dude is some sort of shrink.

THOMAS DEKKER
Why would Skynet need a therapist? Should we protect him? I bet we're supposed to protect him.

SUMMER GLAU
Hey, some people need to get blowds up.

INT. SHIRLEY MANSON'S OFFICE

A PHOTOGRAPHER is taking SHIRLEY MANSON'S picture and DOESN'T REALIZE that the reason SHIRLEY can TURN HER HEAD PRECISELY A QUARTER OF AN INCH TO THE RIGHT when he ASKS HER TO is BECAUSE SHE IS A ROBOT. However, SHIRLEY is unable to SMILE CONVINCINGLY... also BECAUSE SHE IS A ROBOT. This sequence is KIND OF HILARIOUS.

The PHOTOGRAPHER asks the ROBOT CHILD, SAVANNAH, to BE IN THE PICTURES, too.

SAVANNAH
I don't wanna.

SHIRLEY MANSON
Well, I'm just going to keep asking you to in a weird scary demanding yet monotone voice.

SAVANNAH
pees pants
runs away

SHIRLEY MANSON'S ASSISTANT OR SOMETHING
Hey, so, kids suck. You should go to this child psychologist I know about, who is from the opening sequence of our show. He's awesome and can fix that pants wetting thing.

INT. DR. BOYD SHERMAN'S OFFICE

Sarah, John, and Cameron are having a family therapy meeting to do recon work on Dr. Boyd.

DR. BOYD
You guys are weirdos, just like the war vets I used to treat.

LENA HEADEY
You treated veterans? That makes me like you more.

DR. BOYD
Right, so... you guys are suspicious, but I'll take you on as regular patients.

THOMAS DEKKER
I AM RECEPTIVE TO THIS IDEA!

LENA HEADEY
Pay no attention to the electronic bugging device underneath your lamp.

INT. SHIRLEY MANSON'S SECRET ROBOT LABORATORY

As SHIRLEY gets on the SECRET ELEVATOR to her SECRET LAB, Agent Ellison sees her and requests to follow. But SECURITY GUARDS deny him, arousing his SUSPICION.

In the lab, a GIANT DISPLAY is showing PICTURES OF STUFF as an A.I. GEEK talks to it.

A.I. GEEK
This thing is broken or something. When I ask it to tell me a joke it just shows random photos.

STEREOTYPICAL ASIAN GEEK
The program is blah blah blah blah computational gibberish.

SHIRLEY MANSON
I, the robot, will dumb this down for the audience, just like I wouldn't really: The computer is taking more time to do less work. Sounds like someone's got a case of the Mondays.

INT. DR. BOYD'S OFFICE

Savannah and SHIRLEY MANSON are getting HEAD-SHRINKED. Savannah's SHOES are UNTIED and when DR. BOYD tries to SHOW HER how to TIE HER SHOES, SHIRLEY GETS UP AND TIES THEM FOR HER.

IT'S WEIRD AND CONTROLLING.

DR. BOYD
Uh, Savannah... here's some toys, I'm gonna go tell your mom she's a freaky bitch in the other room.

INT. THE OTHER ROOM

DR. BOYD
You're a freaky bitch.

SHIRLEY MANSON
I'll just sit in the waiting room and calculate non-linear equations in my head, then. Feel free to diagnose my daughter with Freaky Mom Syndrome or whatever.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT

Derek arrives home all SWEATY and CONSPICUOUS.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
I WAS BUSY JOGGING!

LENA HEADEY
For six hours? Nevermind, I don't wanna know.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
I WAS BUSY WATCHING "COPS"!

A GUN GOES OFF in SOME OTHER ROOM. Everyone RUNS TO SEE IF JOHN IS OKAY.

THOMAS DEKKER
I WAS BUSY CLEANING MY GUN! THIS WAS NOT A SUICIDE ATTEMPT!

INT. DR. BOYD'S OFFICE

Cameron is OUTSIDE listening to the LIVE FEED from the BUGGING DEVICE on her IPOD.

SAVANNAH
My mom's a freaky bitch.

DR. BOYD
I know, sugar, and we're going to work on that.

SHIRLEY is watching SAVANNAH and DR. BOYD in the OTHER ROOM. A RANDOM PERSON walks by and COMMENTS ON HOW PRETTY SAVANNAH IS. It becomes a VERY AWKWARD EXCHANGE because SHIRLEY IS A FREAKY BITCH.

DR. BOYD
Ms. Weaver, can I talk to you over here for a second?

INT. OVER HERE

DR. BOYD
Uh, can you explain why you're such a freaky bitch?

SHIRLEY MANSON
I am unsure how to calculate the correct response to this inquiry.

DR. BOYD
You can stop acting like such a robot, that would help out.

Out in the WAITING ROOM, John is teaching Savannah how to TIE HER SHOES. He does that SQUIRREL AROUND A TREE thing that I NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD.

CONFESSION: I still am NO GOOD at TYING MY SHOES.

CLARIFICATION: My mother is NOT a ROBOT.

....That I KNOW OF.

....But it WOULD explain A LOT.

EXT. PARK

Derek is JOGGING or EATING a HOTDOG or WHATEVER. He sees SOMEONE and CHASES HER TO A HOTEL, or POSSIBLY AN APARTMENT THAT IS SO BLAND IT IS HOTEL-LIKE. He catches up to what appears to be AN OLD GIRLFRIEND, or, as you may know her, THE ANNOYING CHICK WHO RUINED BATTLESTAR GALACTICA'S "RAZOR."

THEY MAKE OUT FOR A WHILE.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
You ran away from the future?

STEPHANIE JACOBSEN
Of course I did, the future sucks. Robots are everywhere. Check out my cool robot-injury-related scar. It is not on my face at all, but it's still a scar from the future so it counts as a Future Scar.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
It's not cool to go AWOL from the robot war.

STEPHANIE JACOBSEN
Are we gonna do it? Because if not, you're boring me.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
It's like I don't even know you anymore! You've got that scar... and... everything!

Derek leaves, ANNOYED.

INT. DR. BOYD'S OFFICE

Dr. Boyd is ALONE with John.

DR. BOYD
You carry yourself like a war veteran, which is kind of upsetting because you're just a teenager.

THOMAS DEKKER
This burn mark on my face has nothing to do with my playing with loaded guns.

DR. BOYD
Oh...kay... I can tell you're obviously not a normal kid, so why don't you tell me the truth about shit? I mean, this place is totally confidential.

THOMAS DEKKER
(looking directly at the electronic bug)
Not really.

INT. DR. BOYD'S WAITING ROOM

Cameron is READING A TEEN SUICIDE PAMPHLET.

SUMMER GLAU
It is entirely possible that John was trying to kill himself.

LENA HEADEY
Shut up.

DR. BOYD
Can I talk to you over here for a second?

INT. OVER HERE

DR. BOYD
Your son reminds me of a Vietnam Vet, which is totally weird. Also, I think your daughter has Asperger's.

LENA HEADEY
Is that like some sort of fad disease?

DR. BOYD
Partly. Look, I'm gonna go ahead and ask pointed questions that you can infer means I think you're beating John.

LENA HEADEY
I'm not abusing my son!

DR. BOYD
Of course not. But if, for instance, someone with a scary chess-playing computer tied you two up and tried to kill you, your son could be suffering from the effects of killing that someone.

INT. SHIRLEY MANSON'S OFFICE

SHIRLEY is watching OLD HOME MOVIES of Catherine Weaver, at a time when Catherine was PREGNANT and NOT A ROBOT. Her ROBOT RESEARCH is INTERRUPTED when her A.I. RESEARCHERS call her DOWN TO THE SECRET LAB.

INT. SECRET ROBOT LABORATORY

A.I. GEEK
This thing is broken or something! I suggest we kick it! Or, alternately: throw it.

SHIRLEY MANSON
Why do I even pay you guys? I'm a super-robot. I should be able to figure this shit out on my own.

When SHIRLEY RETURNS TO HER OFFICE, her daughter is WATCHING THE HOME VIDEOS. She USES THIS OPPORTUNITY to NOT ACT LIKE A ROBOT towards HER DAUGHTER.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT

Sarah is in the garage, WORKING A HEAVY BAG.

LENA HEADEY
I like kicking the shit out of stuff! Let's quit going to the psychologist.

THOMAS DEKKER
That's a terrible idea.

SUMMER GLAU
I concur.

LENA HEADEY
I am in total denial of your emotional problems and refuse to believe we can't work this out without the bill from a family therapist.

EXT. EMPTY BUS PARKED ON A LONELY ROAD

A TERMINATOR WITH TERRIBLE TERRIBLE HAIR transports to the present. SHE HAS TERRIBLE HAIR.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT GARAGE

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
I knew a guy during the war who was cool, and totally handsome, who blew his head off one day.

LENA HEADEY
Why does everyone think John is suicidal? John's not suicidal!

EXT. DR. BOYD'S OFFICE

The RANDOM PERSON from BEFORE gets in her CAR and the TERMINATOR CHICK WITH THE TERRIBLE HAIR totally KILLS the RANDOM PERSON.

INT. ELEVATOR TO SECRET LAB

Agent Ellison runs in to the A.I. GEEK in the SECRET ELEVATOR and is DENIED PASSAGE to the SECRET LABORATORY. He is dually SUSPICIOUS of WHATEVER THE HELL'S GOING ON IN THE BASEMENT.

INT. SHIRLEY MANSON'S OFFICE

SHIRLEY is showing DR. BOYD her SUPER SWEET A.I. COMPUTER.

SHIRLEY MANSON
We're trying to teach it like a child, just like Brenda suggested last week.

DR. BOYD
Well, I'm no robot doctor, so I don't know what I can do.

SHIRLEY shows DR. BOYD the RANDOM IMAGES that are BEING REPEATED by the COMPUTER and APPARENTLY IT'S A RIDDLE that DR. BOYD FINDS HILARIOUS and compares the computer to a HIGHLY GIFTED FOUR YEAR OLD.

SHIRLEY MANSON
This is all fascinating to me. Could there possibly be some sort of parallel between myself, the super computer, and my human child? These questions and more answered in episodes to come. Or maybe just this one -- who knows with this show?

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT

Sarah is LISTENING to the RECORDING from John's THERAPY SESSION in a GROSS VIOLATION of her OWN SON'S PRIVACY. It makes her SAD to REALIZE that John is KIND OF FUCKED UP.

INT. HOTEL ROOM or APARTMENT, they ARE INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM ONE ANOTHER

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Remember how I almost committed suicide that one time? I sort of told my sister-in-law that that was someone else.

STEPHANIE JACOBSEN
Blah blah blah. In the future's past, all you do is talk.

Jesse (the new girl) and Derek proceed to have hot monkey sex.

STEPHANIE JACOBSEN
See, that wasn't so bad. Now go get me a glass of water while I slide these surveillance photos of you under the bed.

STEPHANIE slides SURVEILLANCE PHOTOS OF DEREK under the bed.

INT. SHIRLEY MANSON'S OFFICE

SHIRLEY is building a GIANT CASTLE out of LEGOS.

SHIRLEY MANSON
Have you found Garret Dillahunt, or what?

RICHARD T. JONES
No, but what the hell is going on in the basement?

SHIRLEY MANSON
That's Top Secret. Now go find me some robots.

INT. DR. BOYD'S OFFICE

DR. BOYD
The Random Woman from earlier is apparently my secretary, but she's missing, so the temp agency is sending a robot over to fill her place. You don't really need to know this, John, but the audience does.

John REMOVES the ELECTRONIC BUGGING DEVICE from UNDERNEATH THE LAMP.

THOMAS DEKKER
Okay, so now let's talk about how mean people break in to my house and try to kill me and my family and stuff.

The IPOD goes all STATICKY, so Cameron ENTERS THE BUILDING to SEE WHAT'S GOING ON. She WALKS IN at the EXACT SAME TIME as THE TERRIBLE HAIRED TERMINATOR. They WALK IN SILENT RECOGNITION together to DR. BOYD'S OFFICE, then realize that THE SHIT NEEDS TO HIT THE FAN and start ROBOT FIGHTING.

In CUTAWAYS from the FIGHT SCENE, John tells Dr. Boyd about the Sarkissian Incident from the premiere, but he LEAVES OUT key details -- like that they're FIGHTING ROBOTS FROM THE FUTURE. Anyway, long story short, flashbacks reveal that John was actually the one to KILL SARKISSIAN / DR. VENTURE.

DR. BOYD
That is a bummer, but you have to try and be normal for a change, dude.

THOMAS DEKKER
Sadly, I don't think I can.

MEANWHILE, back in the ELEVATOR outside DR. BOYD'S OFFICE, Cameron and the BAD HAIRED TERMINATOR are BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF ONE ANOTHER. The doors open, and a YOUNG CHILD and his PARENTS get ON THE ELEVATOR, so they STOP FIGHTING FOR A SECOND. It's HILARIOUS.

When the child/parent combo GET OFF THE ELEVATOR, Cameron BENDS THE OTHER TERMINATOR INTO A PRETZEL, QUITE LITERALLY.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT

SUMMER GLAU
Anyone want a Terminator Gumby?

Cameron PLOPS THE ROBOT ON THE FLOOR. John REMOVES THE BRAINPLUG CHIP, and it is MELTED DOWN.

THOMAS DEKKER
You broke it!

SUMMER GLAU
I did not! It self-destructed.

THOMAS DEKKER
This must mean that in the future, Skynet learns that I'm reprogramming Terminators, and they don't like it. It only took them like fifteen years to figure that out.

INT. DR. BOYD'S OFFICE

SHIRLEY is having a QUICK PRIVATE CHAT with Dr. Boyd.

DR. BOYD
You're doing a good job being less of a freaky bitch.

SHIRLEY MANSON
Yeah, whatever, we love the Wiggles. ANYHOO, I want to hire you to figure out my computer thing.

DR. BOYD
I don't have time to raise a robot.

SHIRLEY MANSON
I never take no for an answer so you're shit out of luck.

DR. BOYD
It'll be a pleasure to work for you.

SHIRLEY MANSON
Good, because I'm about to get weird again when I describe Catherine Weaver's fondest childhood memory. I don't really understand fondness or childhood or emotional memories, so it sounds awkward coming out of me.

A montage of SHIRLEY with her DAUGHTER, STEPHANIE checking out her FUTURE SCAR, Sarah WATCHING John FIDDLE WITH THE PRETZEL ROBOT, Derek ENJOYING A HOT DOG IN THE PARK, and Cameron READING THE SUICIDE PAMPHLET (while holding the melted brainplug).

LENA HEADEY
(V.O.)
What my dad had was called "Nostalgia" by those wacky doctors in the nineteen hundreds who didn't know shit from shinola. But really, PTSD is really sucky and I'm sorry we're all suffering from it, even though we haven't actually had to live through Judgment Day yet. I have no idea how to talk to my son, apparently.

INT. DR. BOYD'S OFFICE

Sarah is getting headshrunk by Dr. Boyd about how John KILLED SARKISSIAN / DR. VENTURE. This is ACTUALLY WHERE THE BIG REVEAL IS, but IF YOU DIDN'T FIGURE IT OUT ALREADY BY THE ANVILS DROPPED IN THE FIRST TEN MINUTES, YOU SHOULD REALLY STOP WATCHING THIS AND ANY OTHER SCRIPTED PROGRAMMING.

FADE OUT.

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