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Merlin: The Wicked Day
Oh, it's wicked, all right.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 2
Arthur sacrifices himself for Camelot... almost.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 1
Morgana unleashes a ghost army on Camelot.

T:SCC Goodbye To All That

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This week's episode brought to you by the DODGE RAM PICKUP! Forget GAS MILEAGE! The DODGE RAM PICKUP can HAUL ASS!

Previously, Dude Ex Machina left a laundry list of stuff that needed to be killed / destroyed / protected in the Connor basement... in his own blood. Also, John was kind of a pussy.

EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD

A GIGANTIC TERMINATOR walks up to MARTIN BEDELL while he's grilling some ribs. You DON'T SEE WHAT HAPPENS but you can guess.

NEWSPAPER HEADLINE
Dude Named Martin Bedell Totally Not Killed By Robots Wink Wink.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
In the future, a guy named Martin Bedell is like your bestest friend. Other than myself and my brother (your father) and Allison Young from last episode and probably everyone else we meet this season.

LENA HEADEY
So... maybe it's just a coincidence that guys named Martin Bedell are dying?

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Look, I know 1984 was a long time ago, but I think you damn well know how this goes. Terminators: 1, Humans: screwed.

LENA HEADEY
Okay, fine. They're terminating Martins. Who cares?

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
We do, because Martin was no pussy and basically held the Resistance together.

John GETS UP and GETS THE PHONE BOOK. They STILL MAKE PHONE BOOKS.

THOMAS DEKKER
There are three Martin Bedells in the phone book! Not counting all the Martin Bedells that use their cell phones instead of a land line.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Then we're in luck! One of them is already dead, so let's go get the other two.

LENA HEADEY
John doesn't get to go, he's grounded.

THOMAS DEKKER
Oh, wait, let's use our brains for a change of pace. If this guy is my age, he probably isn't listed in the phone book. And also you said he went to military schools, so let's check their databases. They should be wide open to the public because it's not like the military is secretive.

John USES HIS LAPTOP to SURF THE INTERWEBS and FINDS MARTIN BEDELL listed at Presidio Alto, which is also SCRIBBLED ON THE BASEMENT WALL.

THOMAS DEKKER
Isn't it amazing how I get wifi in the basement? Also, you're going to need me to break into prep school.

LENA HEADEY
Oh, fine! By the way, the original Terminator killed two other Sarah Connors before he found me. So, Cameron and I are going to go find the other Martin Bedell.

John and Derek load up their SWEET DODGE RAM with TONS OF ARTILLERY YEAH GET SOME.

INT. SWEET DODGE RAM

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
This sweet Dodge Ram has GPS!

THOMAS DEKKER
So, what exactly is the plan here?

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Your mom probably thinks we're gonna find Martin and run, but that's why you're such a pussy sometimes. We're gonna go to the military academy and learn you good how to fuck shit up.

THOMAS DEKKER
I am receptive to this idea.

INT. SHIRLEY MANSON'S OFFICE

RICHARD T. JONES
So, now you own the nuclear power plant from a few episodes ago? Or you're just installing software there? I've become confused by the plot.

SHIRLEY MANSON
Yeah, anyway -- I want you to investigate this robot eye I have.

SHIRLEY hands Agent Ellison a ROBOT EYE.

EXT. MILITARY ACADEMY

Young men are RUNNING IN FORMATION and CHANTING THINGS just like in STRIPES and EVERY OTHER MILITARY MOVIE YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

Derek HAS A FLASHBACK to THE FUTURE.

FLASHFORWARD

KYLE REESE MAYBE
So, the Terminators have grabbed a bunch of our people and we need to go fuck shit up.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
John Connor would not approve of such action.

MARTIN BEDELL WITH A FACIAL SCAR
Don't be such a wuss, Derek. We're going to go fuck shit up. Also, just so you know, this is the future version of me. I have a scar. It's just like on Heroes when the future versions of people have scars so you know the people are in the future. In the near future, everyone is careless with sharp objects.

PRESENT

THOMAS DEKKER
Hey, are you having a flashback or something?

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Let me just go bullshit an Army General for a second.

INT. GENERAL HOBBS' OFFICE

GENERAL HOBBS
Well, all your bullshit seems in order. Young boy being raised by a single mother -- that's no way to learn how to fuck shit up. I will certainly let him in my academy for free on a probationary basis because if you haven't heard we're still in some sort of actual war or something. Know any other young men you can bring me?

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
No, just the one. I'm a Leiutenant, you know, but don't do any background checks or anything because I'm a veteran of a war that hasn't happened yet.

GENERAL HOBBS
That's certianly credential enough to hire you to teach these kids how to fuck shit up.

INT. YOUNG MARTIN BEDELL'S LIVING ROOM

A YOUNG BOY is playing X-BOX LIVE or WHATEVER THOSE GAMES ARE that let you FUCK SHIT UP VIRTUALLY ONLINE. The doorbell rings and YOUNG MARTY has to DRAG A STEPLADDER to the door to LOOK THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE. It's KIND OF ADORABLE. The GIANT TERMINATOR is at the door and he tries to SHOOT YOUNG MARTY from the OTHER SIDE. Sarah GRABS YOUNG MARTY before it's too late. HOW or WHEN Sarah SNUCK INTO THE HOUSE isn't important. ALSO NOT IMPORTANT: Why a ten year old is LISTED IN THE PHONE BOOK.

Sarah takes YOUNG MARTY and RUNS. GIANT TERMINATOR grabs on to their TRUCK'S ROOF, but Sarah SHOOTS HIM IN THE CHEST so he FALLS OFF.

YOUNG MARTY
You just shot that dude and he's still walking! And pissed off! What's going on here?

SUMMER GLAU
There are robots from the future trying to kill you. And I'm a robot to, BOO!

INT. NUCLEAR POWER PLANT

The TOTAL DICKHEAD BOSS from a couple of weeks ago (the one that gave Sarah Connor an UNNECESSARY HAZMAT BATH) is GIVING A TOUR to Agent Ellison.

RICHARD T. JONES
What exactly happened here a couple of weeks ago?

TOTAL DICKHEAD BOSS
Some totally unbelieveable shit. You'd have to be strong like a robot to cause that supposed accidental meltdown. Also there's this pile of burnt up robot here that allegedly happened during a malfunction. No one wants to talk about it but I'm reporting it to the Feds so I can get a real investigation here.

RICHARD T. JONES
That sounds like trouble.

TOTAL DICKHEAD BOSS
Oh, you bet! It might actually prevent us from uploading all that new robot technology we got after the meltdown.

EXT. MILITARY ACADEMY

Derek Reese is stalking around the woods TAKING NOTES. He EATS SOME TAR or GUNK OFF THE GROUND. Then he SEES a DEER and PROBABLY STARTS TO HAVE A FLASHBACK. Before that can happen, he hears the SOUND OF GUNS.

EXT. FIRING RANGE

SOME DUDE is having trouble with his GUN.

THOMAS DEKKER
Let me show you what you're doing wrong, there, dumbass.

John TOTALLY UNJAMS THE DUDE'S GUN. It should be noted he is ALSO A BETTER SHOT than the MILITARILY TRAINED STUDENT. De-scarred MARTIN BEDELL shows up.

MARTIN BEDELL
You get one cool point for helping this dumbass figure out his gun. And negative one cool point for not asking a supervisor to help him instead. In the military we call cool points "merits" and negative cool points "demerits." We like have special names for things. Let's go running.

EXT. WOODS - MILITARY ACADEMY

John and Martin are jogging.

MARTIN BEDELL
I love running!

They come across Derek TAKING NOTES.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
John, you shouldn't go jogging in the woods because of something we can't mention in front of this other kid. Oh shit, flashback.

FLASHFORWARD TO SCARRED BEDELL, THEN FLASH BACK

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Bedell, I almost didn't recognize you without your future scar. God, those things are so helpful.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT

Sarah is FRANTICALLY CHECKING ALL THE LOCKS just like we NEVER SEE HER DO ANY OTHER TIME.

LENA HEADEY
I do this all the time!

YOUNG MARTY
This is sort of freaking me out.

LENA HEADEY
Let's go through the closet and find you some pajamas or something.

Sarah GOES THROUGH THE CLOSET and starts PULLING OUT RANDOM CLOTHING. That's when YOUNG MARTY realizes THEY'RE IN SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE and he FREAKS OUT. When he tries to CALL HIS MOM, Cameron PICKS HIM UP BY THE SCRUFF OF THE NECK. She tells him HE CAN'T CALL HIS MOM.

CUT TO:

YOUNG MARTY is SLEEPING PEACEFULLY SOMEHOW. Perhaps THEY DRUGGED HIM off-camera.

SUMMER GLAU
We really should have blown up that Giant Dude when we had the chance.

LENA HEADEY
I suppose we could have always handed a gun to the kid and had him help out, too.

SUMMER GLAU
Young Marty is not a priority. Only John Connor and pancakes are important.

EXT. MILITARY ACADEMY

Martin is prepping Derek for HAVING TO TEACH TEENAGE BOYS about FUCKING SHIT UP.

MARTIN BEDELL
Can you fuck shit up? If so, this will be fun.

INT. MILITARY ACADEMY

Derek is talking to a room full of his trainees or cadets or students or whatever they call them in Military School.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Uh, hello, my name is [Fake Name]. They told me you need to know how to Fuck Shit Up. Uh.... so fuck it up. Dismissed?

TOTALLY NOT GOMER PYLE THOUGH THAT'S HIS ACTUAL SURNAME
Wait! We heard you got to kill people in the war! I want to kill people SO BAD!

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Instead of redirecting your bloodlust towards robots, let me just tell you you're a shithead, and that war isn't fun, and in the future robots will KILL YOU DEAD GAAAAAAAH I HATE ROBOTS!

The young cadets try not to GET CREEPED OUT. John realizes how FULLY Derek HATES ROBOTS.

INT. FUTURE - RESISTANCE TUNNEL HIDEOUT

SCARRED MARTIN BEDELL
Okay, listen up, I have a scar, this is the future. This is the plan for fucking shit up.

Martin LAYS OUT THE PLAN for FUCKING ROBOT SHIT UP. It involves EXPLOSIVES.

INT. PRESENT - MILITARY ACADEMY CAFETERIA

In the BACKGROUND there is SERIOUSLY a GIANT BANNER that says "GET SOME."

MARTIN BEDELL
So, your Uncle is kind of a killjoy.

THOMAS DEKKER
Yeah, I didn't realize until now just how much he hates robots.

MARTIN BEDELL
By the way, I love running! I'm hoping to run away with my girlfriend and ditch military school.

INT. MILITARY ACADEMY LIBRARY

John is READING and Derek is KILLING JOY.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
So, the woods are a problem. The robots will come from there.

THOMAS DEKKER
Oh, yeah? Well, Martin is dropping out of military school.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
That can't happen. It didn't happen in the future past.

THOMAS DEKKER
You know how everyone is always talking for me and making choices for me because of what is "supposed" to happen? Well, now you're doing the same thing to a whole nother teenager and I bet you don't want to see TWO angsty dudes on this show. So knock it off.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT
Cameron is watching the news with YOUNG MARTY. His PARENTS are PLEADING WITH THE KIDNAPPERS to bring MARTY back home.

YOUNG MARTY
I'm most upset about not having my book report done.

LENA HEADEY
I'm not sure what step in acquiring Stockholm Syndrome "spazzing about homework" is, but let's find you a book.

Cameron hands him THE WIZARD OF OZ because it's John's favorite book. Sarah sends Cameron over to MARTY'S PARENTS HOUSE to KEEP AN EYE ON THEM.

INT. SEEDY BAR
Agent Ellison is looking to talk about GREENWAY with the BARTENDER. The BARTENDER has a REMARKABLE MEMORY about how this one time, Sarah Connor was hitting on CARL GREENWAY and also there are PICTURES at the BAR. Ellison spots Sarah in one of the pictures, OF COURSE.

EXT. MILITARY ACADEMY WOODS

John and Derek are setting up EXPLOSIVES to try and STOP the GIANT TERMINATOR.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Giant bullets are good for taking down robots.

THOMAS DEKKER
Earlier, when you were scaring the shit out of my cadet class by telling a story about wounded soldiers, were you talking about my dad?

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
One time your dad and I were in Griffith Park right after Judgement Day and I shot a deer for food and your dad cried like a little six year old bitch. Of course, he was six years old, but anyway, instead of telling your dad to shut it I buried the deer and we starved.

THOMAS DEKKER
This story is not as cool as the one where my dad risks his life to save another soldier.

INT. SHIRLEY MANSON'S OFFICE

RICHARD T. JONES
So, in conclusion, the almost-meltdown at the nuclear plant was clearly caused and stopped by robots.

SHIRLEY MANSON
Two robots? One fighting the other? This is incredibly interesting.

RICHARD T. JONES
Oh, by the way, the Dickhead Boss Dude wants to bring in the Feds and shut down the plant to investigate robots.

SHIRLEY MANSON
Well, I'm not down with that.

INT. SEEDY BAR

TOTAL DICKHEAD BOSS DUDE
Racial epithets! Rude behavior! I'm a dickhead!

RANDOM WHORE
Hey, let's have sex in the back alley.

EXT. SEEDY BAR BACK ALLEY

TOTAL DICKHEAD BOSS seems to PREMATURELY EJACULATE, so the RANDOM WHORE MORPHS INTO SHIRLEY MANSON and she KILLS HIM with her SILVERY ROBOT TONGUE.

No, SERIOUSLY.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT - NEXT DAY
Sarah is making PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES. She is SO GOOD AT THAT.

SUMMER GLAU
I think the Giant Terminator has moved on to the other Martin Bedell. It's unclear whether I mean the Military Academy one or another one.

LENA HEADEY
Go check it out.

YOUNG MARTY is looking at his WIZARD OF OZ BOOK and WAITING FOR HIS SANDWICH.

YOUNG MARTY
Is it possible to cheat on this book report by watching the movie?

LENA HEADEY
Not really, but we can totally synch up Dark Side of the Moon later if you behave.

YOUNG MARTY
Killer robots scare me!

EXT. MILITARY ACADEMY
John is walking casually in formation.

THOMAS DEKKER
I thought you were running away, Martin?

MARTIN BEDELL
Well, I do like to run, but I can't ditch my friends just yet. Sheesh. What kind of future hero do you think I am?

Derek gets a CALL from Sarah.

LENA HEADEY
Cameron's already been to the real Martin Bedell's house and the Giant Terminator was there and now he's headed towards the Military Academy.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Thank you for the expedient update. I'm going to fuck his robot shit up, don't you worry.

LENA HEADEY
Silly! You know I always worry! Now, fuck some shit up or I'll have to fuck YOUR shit up! Toodles!

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT

YOUNG MARTY swaggers up to Sarah and ASKS HER IF SHE'S OKAY.

LENA HEADEY
Everything will be okay, probably.

YOUNG MARTY
Thank you for saving my life.

LENA HEADEY
No one ever thanks me for saving their lives. It's kind of depressing to realize.

EXT. MILITARY ACADEMY

MARTIN BEDELL
We're going to do a training exercise now--

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
(interrupting)
No, we aren't! Or, yes we are, but it's not what you guys had planned. We're going to kill some robots! And by "kill some robots" I mean: "please go hide in the woods." Martin and John have to stick with me.

MARTIN BEDELL
You have all sorts of explosives set up here, what's going on?

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
You hush up!

FLASHFORWARD to FUTURE RESISTANCE PLAN to FUCK SHIT UP

Derek is having a HERNIA because their PLAN has GONE TO HELL. They have ONE EXPLOSIVE LEFT so SCARRED UP MARTIN takes it and RUNS AT THE ROBOT TANKS WITH IT.

INT. PRESENT - CONNOR HIDEOUT

YOUNG MARTY and Sarah are reading THE WIZARD OF OZ. It is intercut with shots of the GIANT TERMINATOR STALKING THROUGH THE WOODS.

Derek SHOOTS the GIANT TERMINATOR in the HEAD and TAKES OUT AN EYE, just like how the WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST sends her CROWS to PECK OUT DOROTHY'S EYES. Then the GIANT TERMINATOR runs over the EXPLOSIVES but they don't take him out. He STANDS UP and SEES MARTIN BEDELL.

Just like how the SCARECROW saved DOROTHY from the CROWS, John jumps up to DISTRACT the GIANT TERMINATOR from KILLING the real MARTIN.

SCARECROW (with no brain) = JOHN CONNOR. Everyone got that?

YOUNG MARTY gets all choked up while reading that part so Sarah takes over. The WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST is ordering her FLYING MONKEYS to KILL DOROTHY just as John is RUNNING AWAY from the GIANT TERMINATOR.

JOHN CONNOR = DOROTHY GALE. Everyone confused by symbolism now?

The WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST is KILLED BY WATER just as Derek and John TRAP THE GIANT TERMINATOR in a PIT OF TAR and BURN IT ALIVE.

MELTED WITCH = MELTED TERMINATOR

P.S. - Cameron witnesses this whole melting incident, as does Martin Bedell.

EXT. BUS STOP - NEXT DAY

LENA HEADEY
Here's some money and my phone number. Call me if you see any more killer robots.

YOUNG MARTY
You're a shitty mom.

LENA HEADEY
Geez, you didn't have to tell me that. I already sorta know.

EXT. MILITARY ACADEMY

MARTIN BEDELL
So, you're just going to leave me here? After we blew up killer robots? I don't know how you can expect me to just sit around and wait for the end of the world.

THOMAS DEKKER
Well, you have to, so deal with it. And don't even think about running away with your girlfriend. Now, if you excuse me, I have a quirky girlfriend to get back to.

MARTIN BEDELL
Goodbye, then. I'll try to be reckless with sharp things around my face.

INT. KICKASS DODGE RAM

THOMAS DEKKER
(kind of crying)
Life sucks!

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Stop crying for a second, you pansy, and I'll tell you about how Martin dies in the future. Remember how much he likes to run? He runs so fast! Except not fast enough. He runs a giant explosive into a robot tank but doesn't get away in time to live. But we rescued all the captured humans, and one of them was you. So, there's your life's lesson: People die in the future. They die because of you. But stop being angsty about it. Let's get ice cream.

FADE OUT.

Extended thoughts on robots and this episode over at Pop Syndicate.

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