I'm on Team Katniss. I can't decide, so I'll just let the boys figure it out.

Merlin: The Wicked Day
Oh, it's wicked, all right.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 2
Arthur sacrifices himself for Camelot... almost.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 1
Morgana unleashes a ghost army on Camelot.

T:SCC The Mousetrap

scc12.jpg

EXT. DAY - GAS STATION SET LEFT OVER FROM HORROR MOVIE

DEAN WINTERS has stopped to get some gas and wash the windshield. A pickup truck pulls up next to DEAN'S truck as he's GETTING A SOFT DRINK. This leaves plenty of time for Cromartie to pull some wires out of his own truck and get in DEAN'S PICKUP. DEAN'S wife MICHELLE barely notices that she's being KIDNAPPED until it's TOO LATE.

DEAN WINTERS
Awww, CRAP! I knew I shouldn't have got self serve!

It's a good thing Cromartie DISABLED THE OTHER TRUCK because DEAN doesn't even try to get in it, he just RUNS DOWN THE STREET.

INT. - NEW CONNOR HIDEOUT

John is installing a tv and STEALING CABLE for a still very pregnant BUSY PHILIPPS.

BUSY PHILIPPS
So, did you want to hear about how I'm a single pregnant woman and such? Because I am, blah blah, rhythm method.

John GETS THE TV WORKING and Busy flips to BEASTWIZARD VII as SOON AS SHE CAN. It's as TERRIFIC as YOU THINK IT MIGHT BE. The Beastwizard clip is part of a story about how GARRET/CROMARTIE killed several FBI agents and is now a CULT HIT with MORBID PEOPLE. This is IMPORTANT because we have to DEMONSTRATE HOW TERRIBLE THE GENERAL PUBLIC IS. The channel they're watching is KZPZ for some reason when they could just have KTTV do it, WHATEVER.

BUSY PHILLIPS
A friend of mine knew Garret Dillahunt before he became a robot. He seemed nice, but then Hollywood is full of perverts who turn out to be killer robots.

Downstairs in the LIVING ROOM, Cameron is standing around, STARING AT NOTHING.

THOMAS DEKKER
I am exasperated with you because I am a teenager.

SUMMER GLAU
I am simply doing robotty things because I'm a robot. Don't you think it's interesting that I spend my days observing minutiae about our new hideout?

THOMAS DEKKER
No, because I'm a teenager.

In the kitchen, Sarah is UNPACKING GROCERIES.

THOMAS DEKKER
I'm feeling snotty today.

LENA HEADEY
As you are every day, my son.

John's phone RINGS and it's DEAN WINTERS and he KNOWS THE SECRET CODE. Who all did we TELL THIS CODE TO? Because it's going to work SO WELL by the end of this episode.

DEAN has an EMMY MOMENT where he CRIES A LITTLE BIT trying not to tell John about how HIS WIFE WAS ABDUCTED BY A ROBOT. John hands the phone to Sarah.

DEAN WINTERS
Help! Help! Robots!

LENA HEADEY
I told you about the robots. Even though you've been very helpful to us this is all your fault.

DEAN WINTERS
Uhm, help?

LENA HEADEY
I'm going to ask you in an incredibly convoluted way where you are so I can help you, but so John doesn't know that's what I'm doing. Okay? This is your fault, by the way.

In the living room, Cameron is anxious to KILL SOME BIRDS that are in the chimney.

LENA HEADEY
So, do your job today and protect John and don't kill any birds.

Out in the driveway, Sarah is leaving to help DEAN WINTERS.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
You realize this is all just a trap to try and get John, right? And you're just acting like an idiot?

LENA HEADEY
I have to go check it out or else we won't have anything to do today!

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
All right, all right, let me just grab my favorite gun...

Derek and Sarah both LEAVE TO GO BE A PART OF THE OBVIOUS ROBOT TRAP.

INT. - SCARY RAMSHACKLE... SHACK

Michelle, DEAN WINTER'S WIFE, is tied up to a chair. Cromartie appears to be making a GIANT BOMB. In his haste to MAKE GIANT BOMBS, he's left Michelle's cell phone laying RIGHT NEXT TO HER.

EXT. - PARKING LOT OF MALL
John and Cameron are wheeling GIANT BOXES OF STUFF to their new pickup truck. She LIFTS ALL THE BOXES BY HERSELF and draws the attention of EVERYONE IN THE PARKING LOT. Riley calls John and uses the SECRET CODE. Everyone got this new SECRET CODE thing they're using? Good.

Riley is at the SAME MALL I think. THIS IS SORT OF UNCLEAR. John instructs Cameron to DROP HIM OFF SOMEWHERE so that he can HANG OUT WITH LEVEN RAMBIN.

SUMMER GLAU
I don't think I'll be doing that.

John RUNS AWAY.

INT. - AGENT ELLISON'S HOUSE

Agent Ellison is watching BEASTWIZARD. If this show isn't on the DVD BOX SET'S EXTENDED FEATURES I'm going to be PISSED. Ellison GETS A PHONE CALL from SHIRLEY MANSON.

RICHARD T. JONES
What? I'm watching Beastwizard.

SHIRLEY MANSON
Come work for me!

RICHARD T. JONES
Nah, I like not having to shave.

SHIRLEY MANSON
I won't take no for an answer! I know about the robots!

We don't see Ellison's answer.

INT. - SCARY SHACK

Michelle has finally gotten the cell phone open. She calls DEAN as he's standing around the GAS STATION with Sarah and Derek.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Make sure it's really your wife and not another robot trick.

DEAN WINTERS
Don't tell me how to talk to my wife! Hello?

MICHELLE
Come get me oh my god a robot has me come get me come get me!

DEAN WINTERS
Who is this?

MICHELLE
Shut up you idiot and come get me!

DEAN tests his wife by quizzing her about their first date. She's understandably annoyed because that was a TERRIBLE DATE. She hangs up as Cromartie STALKS BACK INTO THE ROOM. He decides it's time to SET UP HIS ELABORATE MOUSETRAP BOMB.

GARRET / CROMARTIE
Mousetraps are cool.

Even though GARRET'S a yankee, Cromartie has a muddled SOUTHERN ACCENT going on in this scene. I declare it a WISE ACTING CHOICE because SOME SOUTHERNERS ARE SCARY just like KILLER ROBOTS.

EXT. MALL
Riley is discussing magazines with John. IT'S BORING. John says his mom is going to HOME SCHOOL him. THAT WILL WORK OUT WELL. Riley continues the magazine metaphor even though IT SUCKS. They spy Cameron and RUN AWAY.

EXT. SCARY SHACK

DEAN, Sarah, and Derek pull up outside.

LENA HEADEY
Here, have a handgun. It probably won't do much against a killer robot, but whatever.

They SNEAK INTO the shack and by SNEAK I mean they MAKE A HELL OF A LOT OF NOISE. I'm no ROBOT SCIENTIST but I think I'd build my cyborgs to HEAR A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WITH GUNS SNEAKING UP BEHIND YOU.

They find Michelle tied to the MOUSETRAP CHAIR. Sarah removes her gag.

MICHELLE
AUGH OH MY GOD ROBOTS!

LENA HEADEY
You're strapped to a bomb, so don't move or anything. If you need more info, just call me, Dr. Obvious.

MICHELLE
Just unstrap the bomb please, because I'm gonna freak out if you don't.

Sarah sends DEAN out to the truck to get the DE-BOMBING KIT. Apparently HER LEGS STOPPED WORKING. Derek is searching the SHACK for Cromartie and sees that Cromartie has been TAPPING THEIR CELL PHONES.

DEAN WINTERS
(returning from truck)
So, the robot broke our truck.

LENA HEADEY
Well, that doesn't make any sense.

Sarah RIPS THE BOMB off the bottom of the MOUSETRAP CHAIR. It's a FAKE.

LENA HEADEY
Another robot trick!

Sarah decides it's a GOOD IDEA to IMMEDIATELY CALL JOHN and tell him not to go home. Cromartie LISTENS IN and DISCOVERS THEIR SECRET CODE. Oh no, what will they do without their SECRET CODE?

Derek sees the cell tower in the back of the shack and that it's WIRED TO EXPLODE.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Everyone run away!

The bomb EXPLODES and sends the cell tower CRASHING IN TO THE SHACK. Everyone is FINE except for Michelle. Her BACK IS BLEEDING. So long, SONYA WALGER.

Cromartie calls John and uses Sarah's voice.

GARRET / CROMARTIE
Could you please go to this precise location so I can kill you.

THOMAS DEKKER
Oh, okay, sure. I won't bother to rebel this time and hang out with my girlfriend instead.

INT. SCARY SHACK

LENA HEADEY
We have to go, but Cromartie left us stranged. Everybody put on their walking shoes.

DEAN WINTERS
Even though I dragged you here, I am totally annoyed that you want to leave to save your son.

MICHELLE
Everyone shut up! I'll just walk even though I'm clearly bleeding severely.

INT. SHIRLEY MANSON'S OFFICE

RICHARD T. JONES
So, anyway, whatever you've heard, it's not killer robots.

SHIRLEY MANSON
Oh, come on. I've made up an elaborate backstory to explain why I have photos of robot parts. Won't you at least let me tell it? I'm trying to "reverse engineer" killer robots, so I need your help finding more robots to examine.

RICHARD T. JONES
That sounds like an extraordinarily stupid idea.

EXT. DESERT

Sarah CARJACKS a cellular phone workman for his van. It's got CRAPPY SUSPENSION and she drives A THOUSAND MILES AN HOUR on a VERY BUMPY ROAD, so she's basically KILLING DEAN'S WIFE.

DEAN WINTERS
Could we slow down, please? At least so I can do some EMT shit for my wife?

LENA HEADEY
This is all your fault! Your fault! Yours!

Sarah has FORGOTTEN that it was HER OWN DUMB SON that got DEAN WINTERS involved with KILLER ROBOTS.

EXT. PIER
Cameron sneaks up on Riley and DEMANDS TO KNOW where John is.

Cromartie is looking for John. When John realizes it's a ROBOT TRAP he puts on some SUNGLASSES and a HAT to hide because THAT WORKS FOR BEN AFFLECK.

John escapes by JUMPING OFF THE PIER INTO THE OCEAN. Cromartie follows, but because HE'S A CYBORG, he SINKS TO THE BOTTOM. John FLAILS AWAY and breaks the surface, where Cameron is WAITING.

THOMAS DEKKER
Help! Bad robots!

SUMMER GLAU
We're not designed for swimming.

THOMAS DEKKER
Awesome. Why is it we don't live on a submarine in the middle of the ocean, then?

Sarah and Derek finally show up to the pier with their STOLEN WORKVAN and PICK UP JOHN AND CAMERON. They visit DEAN at the HOSPITAL where it should be clear now that SONYA WALGER is not coming back.

Cromartie walks OUT OF THE OCEAN.

Cut to:

EXT. CEMETERY

DEAN is burying his wife. RICHARD T. JONES and Cromartie both SHOWED UP TO THE FUNERAL. DEAN angrily TOSSES HIS FREE GRATIS BIBLE ON HIS WIFE'S CASKET.

RICHARD T. JONES
You could've just handed the bible back to me, man.

INT. CONNOR HIDEOUT

The Connor family is having dinner and appear to be SAD.

FADE OUT.

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