Legitimizing our obsessions.

Merlin: The Wicked Day
Oh, it's wicked, all right.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 2
Arthur sacrifices himself for Camelot... almost.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 1
Morgana unleashes a ghost army on Camelot.

T:SCC Samson and Delilah

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Finally, season two is here. Though I hear only 13 episodes of the show have been ordered, I'm glad The Sarah Connor Chronicles are finally back. I was told this time last year that there would be a television show based on the character Sarah Connor with the mopey kid from Heroes playing John, and I remember my reaction very well: I chortled in disbelief. ("Chortled," seriously.) But the show has quickly become one of my favorites, reaching a fairly poetic climax in last season's finale (recap here).

When it first premiered, The Sarah Connor Chronicles was one of very few shows that were actually airing new episodes during a long and agonizing writer's strike. Because of that, I started recapping the show in mock script-style. That was so much fun, I think I'll continue it even though the strike is now blessedly behind us.

So, anyway. When we left off, Cameron (SUMMER GLAU) had just been blown up by the real Sarkissian (DR. VENTURE JAMES URBANIAK), and Cromartie (GARRET DILLAHUNT) had just killed two dozen FBI agents to the tune of "The Man Comes Around." (JOHNNY CASH.) (AWESOME.) We pick up pretty much where we left off, with a new voice-over guy doing the "Intro to Robots" (which I hope they lose soon) set to -- what else -- a Shirley Manson cover of "Samson & Delilah." Oh hey, you hadn't heard that Shirley Manson was on SCC this year? You lose.

INT. DAY - CONNER HIDEOUT
Don't forget, or it'll confuse you later -- it's still John's birthday. Happy Birthday, Johnny! We're gonna BLOW UP YOUR ROBOT. Cameron has survived the blast, of course, and is rebooting in the wreckage. Cue Shirley Manson. Cue slow motion MONTAGE of Sarkissian beating the shit out of Sarah Connor.

JAMES URBANIAK
I waited for MONTHS to find out if this show got picked back up, and I come back to NO LINES? Funny faces over folk songs? FORGET THIS! I've got other shit to do! Commercial radio LOVES ME! And I got a WALKING EYE to maintain. WALKING EYE!

Even though Sarkissian has Sarah Connor TIED UP and is CHOKING HER, somehow Sarah gets free and kills him (off-screen.) So long, URBANIAK. Cameron limps in to the house, kills Sarkissian's only other thug, and accidentally sets the joint on fire. It's also apparent through nifty CGI stuff that her old "TERMINATE JOHN CONNOR" programming booted up during her reset. Factory resets suck, man.

CUT TO: Scene from last season's finale where Cromartie holds a gun up to RICHARD T. JONES after MURDERING all of the FBI, and then just walks away. DEAN WINTERS sees the carnage and IS BUMMED.

EXT. DAY - CRAPPY APARTMENT
The bodies are being bagged up and SOME FBI AGENT OR CORONER OR SOMESUCH tries to comfort RICHARD T. JONES by showing him the dead body of GARRET DILLAHUNT.

RANDOM DAY PLAYER
This guy killed 20 of our elite agents? He looks like a pansy.

She walks away.

DEAN WINTERS
She seems like fun.

RICHARD T. JONES
Too bad this dead actor is gonna be my fall guy. I'd rather perjure myself than tell my boss that robots exist.

INT. RANDOM STOLEN MINIVAN

LENA HEADEY
I'M GONNA YELL AT YOU JOHN! RAAAAR YELLING! YELLLLLING! Oh shit I've crashed the car.

The minivan SLAMS INTO THE BACK OF ANOTHER CAR. Sarah and John get out and John has a wicked looking twisted bloody leg. Sarah makes John run to the nearest church.

Meanwhile, DEAN WINTERS hears that the CONNOR HIDEOUT has exploded and he RUNS RIGHT OVER THERE. While DEAN is digging through the bodies looking for Sarah and John, Derek Reese slips out of the house in firefighter gear. DEAN joins him in the back of an ambulance. It's all very Third Watch.

DEAN WINTERS
What the hell is going on?

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Oh, let me just catch you up. We're trying to find this totally scary computer so a bunch of Russians or something tried to kill us and blew up the house. Their bad, I managed to recover the mangled hard drive that may or may not lead us to the scary computer. So. How's your day?

The ambulance radio reports an accident involving a stolen car so of course DEAN and BRIAN think it's Sarah.

DEAN WINTERS
Has anyone else noticed that I don't seem to have a partner? I'm the lone EMT? Good, don't notice that.

INT. SHIRLEY MANSON'S ICE CASTLE OFFICE

SHIRLEY MANSON
Hey! You can almost understand me! I must've taken some diction classes.

You know that squirrelly guy who's been in almost everything but most people will probably remember him from Homicide? He's THE GUY WITH THE SCARY PLAYING CHESS COMPUTER.

MAX PERLICH, CHARACTER ACTOR
Sure, I'll sell you this computer. But first I want some "alone time" with it. Oh yeah, it's just as creepy as it sounds.

SHIRLEY MANSON
Fine, whatever, I have anti-bacterial wipes.

INT. SOME SORT OF STORE

Cameron cleans some of the soot off her with baby wipes and then STAPLES HER OWN FACE back together. Bad Cameron is AWESOME. She's still got a wicked limp, though.

INT. MEXICAN CHURCH

Sarah and John bust up a BAPTISM.

LENA HEADEY
(In Spanish)
Dude, can we crash here? Also, sorry about the blood stains. ...LO SIENTO PARA uh... STAINS... DE SANGRE...

INT. DEAN'S FIRE TRUCK

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Sarah doesn't love you! Nyeah!

DEAN WINTERS
Well, I do have a wife, so--

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Whatever! I hate robots!

Cameron has found a TRAIL OF BLOOD leading to the Mexican Church. You'd think by now Sarah and John would figure out a way to wear more ABSORBENT clothing. Terry cloth t-shirts, maybe.

SOUNDTRACK
Poundy drums!

INT. SHIRLEY MANSON'S OFFICE

SHIRLEY MANSON
Thanks for the super computer, here's your money. Hope you don't get killed later or anything, wink wink nudge nudge.

MAX PERLICH, CHARACTER ACTOR
Hey thanks, I think. I'll just be going now before you launch into a soliloquy about humans--

SHIRLEY MANSON
Humans are so pathetic! Computers are better! Foreshadowing for the twist at the end! I love computers!

MAX PERLICH, CHARACTER ACTOR
Damn.

INT. KITCHEN OF MEXICAN CHURCH

LENA HEADEY
Let's talk about your robot friend.

THOMAS DEKKER
No! I don't wanna.

LENA HEADEY
Well, I do. We're gonna have to totally kill her now, even though we can't really kill Terminators.

THOMAS DEKKER
We are so hosed! AUGH! ANGST!

INT. FBI INTERVIEW ROOM

FBI GUY
So, Agent Ellison, do you know anything about this massacre thing that took place today?

RICHARD T. JONES
Nope.

FBI GUY
Really?

RICHARD T. JONES
Yep.

FBI GUY
Really really? You don't know anything?

RICHARD T. JONES
Nope. Not a thing.

FBI GUY
Cross your heart?

RICHARD T. JONES
Totally.

FBI GUY
Well, thanks for all your help. I'm sure it wasn't killer robots from the future. Take a vacation.

INT. MEXICAN CHURCH

SUMMER GLAU
Well, there's blood in this basin full of holy water. Might as well put my hand in.

Some sort of CLOCK RADIO has been rigged to ELECTROCUTE THE SHIT out of Cameron. As she reboots, John and Sarah try to PULL OUT HER BRAIN PLUG. Unfortunately they're idiots who didn't prepare well enough, so the knife is too dull and the screwdriver is the wrong size. Cue the sad Price Is Right wahn-wahn-wa wahhhhhn loser horns. Cameron starts to WAKE UP.

LENA HEADEY
Run away! Run away!

Sarah and John RUN AWAY, carjack some dude, and take off towards HOBO ALLEY. They knock over someone's cardboard house.

ANGRY HOBO
Blaaargh garble ga babble blooey blue smash bugrit boo!

Cameron appears at the end of a long tunnel and Sarah totally FLIPS THEIR SUV OVER trying to avoid hitting Cameron for some goddamn reason.

LENA HEADEY
Run away! Run away!

THOMAS DEKKER
This scene reminds me of Point Break! I loved that movie!

John RUNS AWAY and Cameron decides TORTURING Sarah to get John to run back would be a GOOD IDEA. It's not.

SUMMER GLAU
This was not a good idea.

LENA HEADEY
I know! Why did you even waste time with this method?

Cameron walks away after tossing Sarah aside. John has now had the time to run into a warehouse that looks like EVERY OTHER WAREHOUSE that's ever been on this show.

INT. FAMILIAR WAREHOUSE

John tries HIDING behind a large truck, and even though Cameron has some sort of HEAT VISION, she can't see him so she WALKS RIGHT THE FUCK PAST. John decides to HOTWIRE one of the trucks, which Cameron, not being as deaf as, say, a young Superman, can totally hear.

THOMAS DEKKER
Okay, how did this go in shop class? Red to blue? Yellow to yellow? Dammit, truck, START!

The truck starts, and John gets in the driver seat, PUTTING IT IN GEAR just as Cameron THROWS A HUGE WRENCH through the windscreen. Sarah, who has apparently had time to CARJACK JED CLAMPETT on the way to the warehouse, rams into Cameron with what looks like a 1950s Ford pickup, pinning the robot between the two trucks. John gets out to remove Cameron's brain plug.

SUMMER GLAU
Augh! Don't take out my brain plug! Sorry about the wrench! I ran Norton 360! I'm totally cool now!

Author's note: Summer Glau acts the shit out of this scene.

THOMAS DEKKER
Annnnnnngst!

SUMMER GLAU
I love you! Stop it! Seriously!

John removes Cameron's chip, to the sound of much poundy drums. Fade to:

DEAN WINTERS patching up Sarah in the back of his ambulance.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Thanks for not calling us before the Terminator tore your shit up.

LENA HEADEY
I was busy running away. What's up with this hard drive?

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
It's trashed, until next week when it's not. Did you find out where the scary chess computer is?

LENA HEADEY
No, I'm completely useless this episode.

Derek walks over to John to try and COMFORT HIM.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
I see you managed to get your shirt off, champ.

THOMAS DEKKER
So, I hear Cromartie ripped the FBI a new one today.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Yeah, that's a bummer... so anyway, I hate robots.

THOMAS DEKKER
I gotta fix my robot girlfriend up, because if I don't I'm going to whine like hell for the rest of this season.

Sarah walks over to JOIN IN THE PEP TALK.

LENA HEADEY
Hey, I love you and stuff, but let's not put the killer robot back together, okay?

THOMAS DEKKER
God! I never get to do what I want!

LENA HEADEY
Look, she's a goddamn dirty robot whore and she's full of lies and Coltan.

EXT. NIGHT - JUNKYARD

Cameron has been laid out in the front seat of a car, her JUNKYARD FUNERAL PYRE. Derek gets the honor of covering Cameron in Thermite to BURN HER INTO OBLIVION.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Oh boy! Do I ever hate robots!

The job of lighting the flare to ignite Cameron goes to John, for some goddamn reason.

THOMAS DEKKER
You guys really think I'm gonna set her on fire? What a bunch of rubes. Of course I'm not going to, who was in charge of handing out robot killing assignments? Buncha assholes.

John puts Cameron's chip back in; she SITS UP and he POINTS A GUN at her.

THOMAS DEKKER
So... you feel like killing me today?

SUMMER GLAU
Not really.

THOMAS DEKKER
Well, here's my gun, just in case. See if you can shoot me at point blank range.

Cameron's head up display shows that she still has the KILL JOHN CONNOR software, but she's totally able to OVERRIDE IT. Then John burns the rest of the Thermite that's in the car.

THOMAS DEKKER
Can't be wasting flares!

EXT. NIGHT - FORMER CONNOR HIDEOUT

GARRET/CROMARTIE is looking at the wreckage. RICHARD T. JONES is standing by. It's unclear whether or not they met there on purpose or what.

RICHARD T. JONES
If you want to kill me, go ahead. I'm not going to tell you where Sarah is or help you find her.

GARRET/CROMARTIE
Hey, I get a line this episode? Righteous.

Cromartie WALKS AWAY.

INT. NIGHT - SHIRLEY MANSON'S OFFICE

SHIRLEY is having a BOARD MEETING -- more like BORED MEETING, am I right fellas? -- with what appears to be the department heads of some unnamed computer corporation. Skynet? No-net? Something else? We'll leave that for OTHER EPISODES.

SHIRLEY MANSON
So, you geeks -- I'm gonna cherry pick from each of your divisions to make up a team to work on the SUPER SECRET NEW PROJECT.

ANNOYED A.I. GEEK
Hey, the rest of us have work to do. Don't go bogarting the nerds.

SHIRLEY MANSON
Suck it up, ya wanker. P.S., the new project is called Babylon. It's from the Bible! Which I like almost as much as computers.

INT. MEXICAN CHURCH KITCHEN

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Hey, your boyfriend went home to his wife. Plus, here's some stuff from our former hideout. I somehow salvaged it while Cromartie was poking around in the ruins.

Sarah takes A SANDWICH to Cameron.

LENA HEADEY
Hey, where's John?

SUMMER GLAU
In the bathroom masturbating or something hey, lemme get your thoughts on Jesus right quick.

LENA HEADEY
Say what?

SUMMER GLAU
Jesus, you know, bearded guy. Sandals. Jewish, I think. Do you believe he really rose from the grave?

LENA HEADEY
I'm gonna skirt this topic because it's weird.

SUMMER GLAU
I don't have any religious software, but I'm thinking of taking up crosstitching. Please register me.

LENA HEADEY
I think your brain plug may be more damaged than we originally suspected.

SUMMER GLAU
Speaking of resurrections, don't ever let John bring me back to life again.

LENA HEADEY
Technically we didn't want him to do it a first time, but okay.

Sarah takes A SANDWICH to John, who is IN THE BATHROOM. They talk THROUGH THE DOOR.

LENA HEADEY
Sorry your birthday sucked. Here's some peanut butter and jelly.

THOMAS DEKKER
Okie doke!

John is in the bathroom shaving his EMO HAIR off. THANK YOU JEEBUS. Let's hope this move doesn't result in Peter Patrelli now-i'm-a-fucking-idiot syndrome.

INT. MEN'S ROOM

ANNOYED A.I. GEEK
Boy, I sure hate that Shirley Manson bitch.

FELLOW GEEK
I'm just gonna wash my hands and remain impartial.

ANNOYED A.I. GEEK
I mean, I really hate her! She's a total bitch! Bitch bitch bitch, whore.

Hilariously, SHIRLEY MORPHS OUT OF THE URINAL. Surprise! She's a Robert Patrick model (T-1000), so she's made of that liquid metal shit.

SHIRLEY MANSON
EAT POLYALLOY, JERK!

Her finger does that poking thing through the A.I. Geek's brain. You know, demoting him probably would have been a lot easier. Shirley Manson-bot has a lot to learn about corporate life.

FADE OUT.

Hey guys, I'm now reviewing episodes over at Pop Syndicate. Check it out when you get a chance.

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