The news source for coma patients.

Merlin: The Wicked Day
Oh, it's wicked, all right.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 2
Arthur sacrifices himself for Camelot... almost.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 1
Morgana unleashes a ghost army on Camelot.

Michael Bay Hates You, Your Happiness


You may have heard this already, but TV Guide had the story last night about how Jared Padalecki is just seconds away from being involved with Michael Bay's Friday the 13th redundancymake. J-Pads apparently really wants to outnumber his Supernatural co-star Jensen Ackles in the Terrible Horror Movie section of their résumés. (House of Wax, anyone?)

"But Brenda, why are you featuring a picture of Michael Bay in your banner graphic instead of a shirtless Jared?" That's a good question with a fairly decent answer, kittens. And to get you to keep reading, I promise that a shirtless Jared is just after the jump link.

Are you done looking at his towel now? Good.

See, kids, Michael Bay is the devil. Or, at the very least, he sold his soul to the Devil for great box office returns on Transformers, and good ol' Satan wants some early payback on the deal. So Michael is remaking Friday the 13th, Rosemary's Baby, The Birds, and Nightmare on Elm Street. (The reason I throw the "Devil Deal" theory out there is that there is NO OTHER EARTHLY REASON TO REMAKE THESE MOVIES.)

There's no other way to discuss this than through a Brenda/Laura Classic Email Exchange, so here you go:

Laura: It could actually be worse. It could be Rob Zombie. I have images of J. Pad becoming the new Kevin Bacon now, though. He should remake She's Having a Baby next, then move on to some critically acclaimed indie work before starting a band with his brother and wasting away with manorexia.

Brenda: But what of Footloose? WHAT OF FOOTLOOSE?!?

Laura: I thought maybe Footloose was too much a classic. Maybe he could make a high school dancing movie that's comparable to Footloose, but isn't actually a remake. Or, how about we combine a Footloose remake with the Teen Wolf remake that is supposedly in the works. Wolfloose.

Brenda: Can the Wolfloose sequel star Michael Cera as J-Pad's cousin, bringing the Bateman/Arrested Development connection full circle?

Laura: Michael Cera will star in the Teen Wolf Too/Quicksilver remake. Or maybe Teen Wolf Too/White Water Summer.

Brenda: At some point, Schumacher is bound to get his groove back, and make a Flatliners with Jared. Except there's already a Flatliners-like movie coming out soon. But, no matter. That's a long way off, as we need to find a young Julia Roberts, Kiefer Sutherland, William Baldwin, and Oliver Platt before it can happen.

Laura: What's really going to get messy is when J Pad gets around to the Hollow Man remake, which itself is an Invisible Man remake. One might ask, why not just leave out Hollow Man and just have J Pad do an Invisible Man remake that's actually good? But anyone who asks that question just doesn't get it.

Brenda: Wait, Milo Ventimiglia is in that Flatliners-esque movie! Gilmore Girls connection! Sweet! Milo can play the William Baldwin character in the eventual Flatliners remake. Somehow I see him as the type to videotape himself having sex. Not for the girls, but just to look at himself having sex. And then when the bad dreams come, and the women are all "You taped us having sex!", he can be all "`Us'? Don't you mean, 'me'? The camera clearly favored me."

Share |

Comments (3)

*shakes head slowly*

Oh come on, 'The Birds'? – what sort of an arrogant **** thinks they could do a better job than Hitchcock with that film?

'it's OK, we'll just CG it up a bit, maybe make the birds bionic, or zombies or something'.

Sure you could just do a scene-for-scene remake like they did with Psycho, but even that managed to suck and blow at the same time.

...and I'd better stop before I think about a Rosemary's Baby remake... too late, hell he might as well try and remake Citizen Kane.


Right on, Mr. Adam Y!

I am choosing to ignore the Rosemary Baby remake...its just too horrible to ponder. I have also managed to block out that Jenson was even in House of Wax. So say it ain't so Jared....