We like dinosaur violence.

Merlin: The Wicked Day
Oh, it's wicked, all right.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 2
Arthur sacrifices himself for Camelot... almost.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 1
Morgana unleashes a ghost army on Camelot.

T:SCC The Turk

scc03.jpg

FADE IN:

INT. CLASSROOM FROM THE 1940s

A bunch of SCIENTISTS are writing EQUATIONS on a BLACKBOARD.

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)
I am obsessed with scientists because they keep making killer robots that time travel.

LENA SHOOTS the SCIENTISTS dead. Then they turn in to TERMINATORS and AIM THEIR GUNS AT HER.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE

LENA wakes up from what was CLEARLY A DREAM unless you thought she actually time traveled to 1945 to kill OPPENHEIMER. THOMAS DEKKER enters the room.

LENA HEADEY
(to Thomas Dekker)
I have been going through all this paperwork we stole from the Secret Resistance Fighter Hideout. Clearly the Resistance Fighters are not here to protect you, they are trying to fight Skynet. Instead of trying to find the other Resistance Fighters to help them with their Skynet research, I will go on a vigilante mission of my own. But first I have to bother Charlayne Woodard.

SUMMER GLAU STALKS around the house in her UNDERWEAR.

CUT TO: KITCHEN

SUMMER is putting on EYELINER. She is no longer NAKED.

THOMAS DEKKER
To hide my boner, I will make small talk about your eyeliner.

SUMMER GLAU
Uncomfortably deadpan comment about stabbing people with sharp implements.

LENA HEADEY
I'm glad you have a shirt on now, because I distinctly remember telling you the other day that I didn't want to see your boobs. Also, for some reason your high school is heavily fortified. Have a nice day.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL

THOMAS DEKKER
You know how two episodes ago you were so natural that you totally fooled me in to thinking you were a regular person? Do that some more.

SUMMER GLAU
Since then my programming has become corrupted and I am now as natural as Data from Next Generation. Let me recite the dictionary to you as proof.

There is a strange PAINTING on the SIDE OF THE WALL that doesn't look like much and is CONFUSING.

THOMAS DEKKER
That is confusing.

The HEAVILY FORTIFIED HIGH SCHOOL also has METAL DETECTORS which of course SUMMER FAILS TO GET THROUGH.

THOMAS DEKKER
(to Security Guard)
My sister here has a metal plate in her head.

The SECURITY GUARD believes this and lets her through.

EXT. GRAVEYARD - DAY

CHARLAYNE WOODARD is laying flowers on the grave of her DEAD HUSBAND, PHIL MORRIS. LENA is a TACTLESS BITCH and walks right up to her.

CHARLAYNE WOODARD
Goddamn it, Sarah Connor. Stop bothering me.

LENA HEADEY
Here, let me rub salt in the wound. Where is your son?

CHARLAYNE WOODARD
Too busy to come to the graveyard because he is a normal healthy boy unlike your goddamn whiny son. Now what the hell do you want?

LENA HEADEY
Even though it's been over ten years since you've had anything to do with Skynet, please go through these photos and find someone you recognize.

CHARLAYNE WOODARD
(sighing)
Fine. The kid in this picture used to be an Intern named Andy Goode. I shouldn't have told you that, though. You'll probably get him killed.

LENA HEADEY
No one dies in vain.

CHARLAYNE WOODARD
Tell that to the umpteen cops, bystanders, security guards, stupid highway workers and junkyard employees that have been killed for no apparent reason in just the last two episodes of this show.

INT. SECRET RESISTANCE FIGHTER HIDEOUT - CRIME SCENE

There is crime scene tape up everywhere, because the cops have FINALLY FOUND ALL THE DEAD BODIES. RICHARD T. JONES walks in.

RICHARD T. JONES
The ballistics on this mass killing match to the death of ENRIQUE, the paper forger. And these guys had fake papers on them. Maybe they're all terrorists.

SASSY FEMALE FBI AGENT
Yeah, you take that theory and keep walking. None of these dead guys have fingerprints in the system.

RICHARD T. JONES
I am unshaken by all your evidence to the contrary. I have a theory about terrorists and I'm running with it.

INT. HOSPITAL

The BAD TERMINATOR that has pieced himself together after being SHOT and TELEPORTED TO THE FUTURE is stalking towards a BLOOD BANK. He STEALS SOME BLOOD. An ORDERLY and a SECURITY GUARD are given MASSIVE HEAD INJURIES -- NOT IN VAIN.

INT. CELLULAR PHONE STORE

LENA HEADEY is being VERY OBVIOUS about BROWSING FOR PHONES in front of the YOUNG FORMER SKYNET INTERN, ANDY.

ANDY THE FORMER SKYNET INTERN
You keep checking me out.

LENA HEADEY
No, I'm totally not.

ANDY THE FORMER SKYNET INTERN
Yeah, I think you are. Let me sell you this complicated Blackberry Palm Pilot thing.

LENA HEADEY
I am about as good at figuring out complicated cell phones as my recapper. I'll buy three.

ANDY THE FORMER SKYNET INTERN
Now let me ask you to dinner, because I totally know you were checking me out.

LENA HEADEY
I don't want to go out with you. The age difference alone should justify my refusal of you. Oh wait, that's right, I haven't aged in ten years.

ANDY THE FORMER SKYNET INTERN
I am persistent. Please date me.

LENA HEADEY
Okay, let's go out. I need to find out more information about you before I get you killed.

INT. CLASSROOM

THOMAS DEKKER
I have a ginormous backpack full of stuff but can't find a pencil in it.

UNNAMED CLASSMATE WHO IS FEMALE
Please borrow my pencil. I hope I return in subsequent episodes.

SUMMER GLAU
Hello, I have transferred to this class to act like a freak in front of John Connor.

THOMAS DEKKER
Stop acting like a freak!

INT. CARLOS THE FORGER'S HOUSE

RICHARD T. JONES
Your uncle, my confidential informant, is dead now, so I'm going to try and worm some information out of you.

CARLOS
I didn't kill my uncle. So fuck off.

RICHARD T. JONES
I'll fuck off. Here's my card.

INT. SQUIRRELLY SCIENTIST'S HOUSE

SQUIRRELLY SCIENTIST
I'm British! And nerdy!

The BAD TERMINATOR sneaks up from behind and CHOKES the SCIENTIST.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE

LENA HEADEY
How was school?

THOMAS DEKKER
I'm using a fake name in a strange school and am being followed around by a dorky killer robot.

LENA HEADEY
I stalked a guy today who was a former intern for Skynet. He's a cell phone salesman now.

THOMAS DEKKER
(cutely)
Shut up!

LENA HEADEY
Way! We're going on a date.

SUMMER GLAU wants to know if LENA will KILL ANDY the INTERN. LENA does not want SUMMER to kill anyone.

SUMMER GLAU
Psyche! Just kidding about the wanton murdering!

INT. SQUIRRELLY SCIENTIST'S HOUSE

SCIENTIST
Who the hell are you, scary helmet wearing thing that choked me? For some reason I will bring up injured soldiers and wounded veterans. Are you one of those?

BAD TERMINATOR
No. Check out your whiteboard. I totally wrote a big equation on it.

SCIENTIST
All this math is bad, because I don't understand it.

BAD TERMINATOR
Jesus, I just did all the work for you. Just use your brain for five seconds.

SCIENTIST
You're right! Cellular growth rate beta thingy is totally possible! But I'll need lots of blood.

BAD TERMINATOR
I brought my own!

SCIENTIST
Glaven!

INT. CONNOR HOUSE - BATHROOM

LENA is in the tub, SHAVING HER LEGS.

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)
Scientists got killed all the time in World War Two because killing scientists is just fine. It prevents killer robots.

INT. ANDY'S HOUSE - LATER

LENA and ANDY are HAVING DINNER.

LENA HEADEY
Pretend I'm stupid.

ANDY
Done! I'm sort of nerdy but extra cute and I mention Zelda 3 in this speech about how I wasted time in college, therefore your recapper loves me to death.

LENA HEADEY
I know nothing about computers, supposedly. Show me your chess playing computer.

ANDY
I, a former Skynet intern and current cell phone salesman, have built a highly complicated chess playing computer with the ability to learn. It's no soccer-playing robot puppy, but it's enough to scare the crap out of you.

A SCARY GUY appears out the window and SCARES THE CRAP out of LENA. ANDY calls the police about a possible prowler. LENA RUNS AWAY.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE - LATER

THOMAS DEKKER
What did the scary chess playing computer look like?

LENA HEADEY
I dunno! It plays chess! Let's panic!

THOMAS DEKKER
Indeed we should panic, because eventually artificial intelligence will become so smart, it won't need us. And then they will either nuke our planet and enslave us; nuke our planet so that we have to flee the galaxy in search of other habitable planets while saying "frak" a lot; or take over the planet and literally grow more humans to power their super evil computer program where everything we see and feel is just an illusion and then Keanu Reeves will have to save us through some sort of magic. Take your pick, these are all perfectly logical suppositions. But by all means, this problem is all your responsibility to solve.

LENA makes a FROWNY FACE.

INT. RICHARD T. JONES's OFFICE

SASSY FEMALE FBI AGENT
Guess what? I searched really hard on the fingerprint database and found a match to one of those dead guys in the Secret Resistance Fighter Hideout. It's a four year old boy in Canton, Ohio.

RICHARD T. JONES
Let's follow up on that, because I'd really like to see the Football Hall of Fame. Oh yeah, and while you're at it, double check the blood evidence, too. Maybe it's robots.

SASSY FEMALE FBI AGENT
Yeah, right, smartass. You do it.

SASSY FEMALE AGENT hands RICHARD T. DECKER the stack of fingerprint files.

INT. NERDY SCIENTIST'S BATHROOM OR SOMETHING

SCIENTIST
All this math stuff is mind blowing. Something about cells and not needing bone marrow. This could solve cancer, maybe! But first: Bathtub of blood.

The NERDY SCIENTIST fills his BATHTUB full of BLOOD.

SCIENTIST
Would you like me to light some candles? I have a Whale Song cd here...

BAD TERMINATOR
Get out of the way.

The BAD TERMINATOR takes off his clothes and reveals his BAD TERMINATOR SKELETON. Then he GETS IN THE BATH.

BAD TERMINATOR
Shut the door. And don't forget the candles.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE

LENA is FOLLOWING UP on her CHECKUP from the other day.

DOCTOR
You're perfectly fine.

LENA HEADEY
Are you sure I don't have cancer?

DOCTOR
Positive. Keep running from killer robots, that seems to keep you in shape.

LENA HEADEY
I have no prior medical history of cancer, but I am still afraid. This seems to foreshadow something ominous about how I die from cancer.

DOCTOR
Say, we tried running your medicare card, but it just said "LOLZ ROBOTS ZOMG". What's that about?

LENA HEADEY
Uh, I gotta go call this cute nerdy intern guy I'm dating.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY

The STRANGE MURAL from earlier is now inside the school, and has more detail to it. It is still CONFUSING.

THOMAS DEKKER
(to the same Unnamed Female from earlier)
This mural is still confusing.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL BATHROOM

RANDOM TEENAGED GIRL #1
I love lipstick! It's tight!

RANDOM TEENAGED GIRL #2
Tight!

RANDOM TEENAGED GIRL #1
Tight!

RANDOM TEENAGED GIRL #2 is wearing an ugly ass empress-cut shirt that makes her look PREGNANT, because all those shirts do.

RANDOM TEENAGED GIRL #2
(to Summer Glau)
Does this make me look fat?

SUMMER GLAU
(truthfully)
Yes.

RANDOM TEENAGED GIRL #1
Bitch! Whore! Bitchwhore!

SUMMER GLAU
Please speak like someone who's not a goddamn retard.

RANDOM TEENAGED GIRL #1 and #2 leave the bathroom, along with everyone else. In one of the bathroom stalls, a BLOND GIRL is CRYING.

CRYING BLOND GIRL
Did you see that big weird mural? It is apparently some reference to my being a slut, and this embarrasses me.

SUMMER GLAU
Your eyeballs are leaking.

CRYING BLOND GIRL
I am upset!

SUMMER GLAU
Here, take this makeup that Random Teenaged Girl #1 left here in the bathroom.

The CRYING BLOND GIRL runs away, CRYING.

EXT. WOODED AREA

ANDY and LENA HEADEY are HIKING or something.

ANDY
I might get a security system installed because my chess playing computer is important.

LENA HEADEY
That seems excessive.

ANDY
We-ell-ll... It's more than a chess playing computer. It's a moody bitch.

LENA HEADEY
Are you cheating on me with your computer?

ANDY
Possibly.

LENA fingers the GUN that is in her BACK POCKET.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY

SUMMER GLAU
I have made friends with a crying blond girl.

THOMAS DEKKER
What the hell is this big mural that keeps appearing around the school?

RANDOM TEENAGER
There's a jumper on the roof!

THOMAS, SUMMER, and other students RUN OUTSIDE TO SEE THE SUICIDAL CRYING BLOND GIRL.

SUMMER GLAU
That is my friend, the crying blond girl.

THOMAS DEKKER
What the hell did you do to make this girl suicidal? Is this some new programming? I'm going to go help this poor girl.

SUMMER GLAU
(restraining Thomas)
No. Don't be a freak.

The SUICIDAL CRYING BLOND GIRL on the roof JUMPS OFF and HITS THE PAVEMENT. It is GODDAMN TERRIFYING.

CRYING BLOND GIRL
(splat)

SUMMER GLAU
Run away! Run away!

THOMAS and SUMMER RUN AWAY.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE

THOMAS DEKKER
I could have done something to save that girl.

LENA HEADEY
No, you couldn't have. Suicidal people are very determined to die. By the way, no one dies in vain.

THOMAS DEKKER
Wait, am I supposed to be a hero, or not?

LENA HEADEY
Not, because the killer robots will come and find us.

THOMAS DEKKER
I hate this place!

He STALKS OUT OF THE ROOM.

SUMMER GLAU
(to Lena Headey)
By the way, you need to kill that boyfriend of yours.

INT. SQUIRRELLY SCIENTIST'S HOUSE - CRIME SCENE

There is BLOOD EVERYWHERE, even on the WHITEBOARD OF VERY IMPORTANT EQUATIONS. RICHARD T. JONES walks in and SURVEYS THE CARNAGE. The SCIENTIST is laying DEAD on the bathroom floor.

SASSY FEMALE FBI AGENT
(actual dialog!)
(pointing at corpse)
They took his freakin' eyes.

RICHARD T. JONES looks DETERMINED and PUTS ON HIS CRIME SCENE GLOVES.

EXT. ANDY'S HOUSE

ANDY pulls up to his HOUSE and sees that it is ON FIRE. LENA is HIDING IN THE BUSHES a little ways away. ANDY is VERY UPSET about his HOUSE BEING ON FIRE.

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)
Yeah, I set his house on fire. At least I didn't shoot him. Scientists are bitches.

INT. SQUIRRELLY SCIENTIST'S BATHROOM - FLASHBACK

The BAD TERMINATOR sits up out of the BATHTUB of BLOOD. He is a GROSS PILE OF BLOODY FLESH. The SCIENTIST cuts slits in the skull, and the RED TERMINATOR EYES show through.

FADE OUT.

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