I think Sam's soul needs an It Gets Better campaign.

Merlin: The Wicked Day
Oh, it's wicked, all right.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 2
Arthur sacrifices himself for Camelot... almost.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 1
Morgana unleashes a ghost army on Camelot.

T:SCC Queen's Gambit

scc05.jpg

This was an excellent episode, and I really hope it's a sign that this show has hit its stride. Despite his 90210 past, Brian Austin Green is fantastic, and hopefully lasts longer than cute nerdy character Andy Goode. Questions I have after watching this episode: Why wouldn't Sarah Connor try to look up Kyle Reese in the present, even if he's only 2 months old? Wouldn't she want to make sure he makes it through the apocalypse, as well? And isn't it interesting that all of John's strategical and combative training comes out of his mother knowing that the robot war is coming, but the first time around, did John know about the war, or did he have to send Kyle Reese back to not only father him, but scare the bejeesus out of Sarah so that John could be raised as a little guerrilla soldier? In other words: What happens if John Connor never learns how to play chess?

FADE IN:

EXT. CENTRAL AMERICAN JUNGLE - FLASHBACK

LENA is walking around the jungle with a GUN while an EIGHT YEAR OLD JOHN CONNOR learns how to play chess.

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)
Chess was very important for my son to learn so that he could speak with some authority later about chess.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE

LENA is taking a RIDICULOUS AMOUNT of VITAMINS to prevent CANCER. The PHONE RINGS and it is ANDY.

ANDY GOODE
Come to my chess tournament! By the way, I rebuilt my computer that you burned down.

SUMMER and THOMAS are doing their HOMEWORK.

THOMAS DEKKER
Do my math homework.

SUMMER GLAU
Okie doke.

LENA HEADEY
Hey guys, Andy rebuilt his terrifying chess playing computer.

SUMMER GLAU
You should've killed Andy already.

LENA HEADEY
Shut up.

INT. PASADENA HOTEL - GEEK CHESS TOURNAMENT

There are lots of ROBOTS, including what I hope is a SOCCER PLAYING ROBO-DOG. ANDY shows LENA his SUPER CHESS COMPUTER.

ANDY
See, the problem with the old computer was, it wasn't terrifyingly smart enough.

A very small RUSSIAN-LIKE MAN named DEMETRI enters.

DEMETRI
(to Andy)
You are never going to get laid.

DEMETRI leaves.

ANDY
By the way, the winner of this tournament gets a military contract. So you should just kill me now.

LENA makes a FROWNY FACE.

INT. DEAN WINTER'S HOUSE

CROMARTIE / GARRET knocks on DEAN'S door and DEAN LETS A TERMINATOR IN TO HIS HOUSE.

DEAN WINTERS
I thought Sarah Connor was dead.

CROMARTIE / GARRET
Yeah, that's our bad. She's not.

A cell phone on a side table VIBRATES and it seems to REALLY DISTRURB GARRET. Then DEAN'S WIFE enters the room in her BATHROBE.

DEAN'S WIFE
What's going on here?

CROMARTIE / GARRET
I think you guys are hiding the Connors.

DEAN WINTERS
You shut your mouth! Speechify!

CROMARTIE / GARRET
Okie doke. Here's my card.

CROMARTIE / GARRET hands DEAN a BUSINESS CARD. It presumably DOES NOT say: "Cromartie: Robot Killer -- call 911."

CROMARTIE / GARRET
I never sleep.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY

A memorial shrine to the CRYING BLOND GIRL has been erected. People are leaving NOTES to the DEAD GIRL.

SUMMER GLAU
I don't get it.

THOMAS DEKKER
Grief is complicated, robot.

ATTRACTIVE BLOND PENCIL-LOANER GIRL FROM PREVIOUS EPISODES
I didn't really know the dead chick.

THOMAS DEKKER
I wish I knew your name.

ATTRACTIVE BLOND PENCIL-LOANER GIRL FROM PREVIOUS EPISODES
I know, right? If I'm going to be recurring and everything, give me a name, sheesh.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL SHOP CLASS

SMALL LATINO
(in Spanish)
Dude, give me that thing you're holding.

LARGE LATINO
(in Spanish)
Make me.

THOMAS DEKKER
(in Spanish)
If you guys are going to dick around in Spanish, at least invite me to the festivities.

LARGE LATINO
You speak Spanish. Therefore I will respect you.

The LARGE LATINO hands THOMAS the diagnostic thing. THOMAS hands it to the SMALL LATINO so that THOMAS can continue to FIDDLE AROUND WITH A CAR ENGINE.

SMALL LATINO
Hey, thanks for interrupting my conversation with someone else. By the way, my name is Morris. Also, here's another name: The attractive blond girl is Cheryl. Don't hang out with her because her dad is a control freak.

THOMAS DEKKER
She sounds like my soul mate.

INT. PASADENA HOTEL - CHESS COMPETITION

ANDY'S team / computer / Russian guy are WINNING in a competition against a JAPANESE team. It is VERY SUPENSEFUL. The GEEK SWEAT is EVERYWHERE.

SUMMER GLAU walks in to the tournament and has a private, silent EMOTIONAL MOMENT with one of the display robota. For some reason the computer running the display has BLADE RUNNER as a setting. Then a SOCCER PLAYING ROBOT-DOG barks at her. Even the mechanical canines don't like her.

THOMAS sits next to LENA.

LENA HEADEY
We have to root for the other team, because if Andy wins then Summer will kill him.

BEAR MCCREARY (SOUNDTRACK)
Poundy drums! POUND POUND!

INTENSE CHESS PLAYING THINGS HAPPEN.

THOMAS DEKKER
Andy's team has captured the Japanese team's queen. Now they'll win. This is not at all symbolic of Terminators trying to kill you, mom.

INT. DEAN WINTER'S HOUSE

DEAN'S WIFE
You're a damned liar.

DEAN WINTERS
This is true.

DEAN'S WIFE
You know, with Terminators dressed as police officers coming to our house, you probably shouldn't hang out with John or Sarah Connor.

DEAN WINTERS
Dually noted. You can tell I'm serious from my growly voice and squinty eyes.

DEAN'S WIFE
I'm so angry I'm going to stomp out and leave dinner to burn on the stove!

DEAN makes a SQUINTY FACE.

INT. CHESS COMPETITION

The JAPANESE TEAM wins.

THOMAS DEKKER
The Japanese trapped Andy with a classic chess move from Byrne/Fischer's 1956 match, because the writers only read one book about chess. With a computer so stupid as to fall for a famous move from 50 years ago, no one will want to give Andy the time of day.

LENA HEADEY
Oh, good. We don't have to kill him, then. We won't have to kill the Japanese folks, either, because their names weren't on the Skynet list.

SUMMER GLAU
We should kill Andy, anyway.

LENA HEADEY
No. I'm going to tell him about killer robots, and then we're going to do it.

INT. ANDY'S HOTEL ROOM

ANDY has been SHOT in the HEAD. LENA walks in and finds him.

LENA HEADEY
Dammit! I never get to keep the cute ones!

LENA spies BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN running away from the crime scene. She follows him and then BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.

Cops show up, so LENA RUNS AWAY. BRIAN gets ARRESTED.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE - KITCHEN

LENA is doing CHIN-UPS on the SWINGSET outside the house, probably so she won't get CANCER. Then she and SUMMER walk INSIDE.

SUMMER GLAU
I have learned that humans like to write letters to dead people. Please try this with Andy.

LENA HEADEY
Shut up. You don't even care that he's dead.

SUMMER GLAU
Of course not. I'm a FUCKING ROBOT. And I advised you to kill him on more than one occasion.

THOMAS walks in with his LAPTOP.

THOMAS DEKKER
L.A.P.D firewalls suck. I hacked in and found out that Brian Austin Green has one of those Resistance Fighter tattoos.

LENA HEADEY
Well, he was watching Andy. So were the other Resistance Fighters.

THOMAS DEKKER
So, he killed Andy?

SUMMER GLAU
No way. That's not his mission.

LENA HEADEY
Whatever, I'm going to sneak in to the jail and talk to him.

EXT. POLICE STATION

A TERMINATOR from EARLIER, I GUESS, the one who killed the other RESISTANCE FIGHTERS in the SUPER SECRET HIDEOUT, is also able to get around the LAPD FIREWALL and finds BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN's arrest information. In order to get in to the JAIL to KILL BRIAN, the TERMINATOR walks up to some cops and PUNCHES THEM OUT.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL

THOMAS and SUMMER are sitting down to lunch. THOMAS pulls out his math book.

SUMMER GLAU
Why did you have me do your homework if you're just going to study anyway?

THOMAS DEKKER
Because I'm difficult. Also: sad.

SUMMER GLAU
I know all about grief now because I read up on it. There was an entry on Wikipedia.

A cute Asian student hands SUMMER a note from the GRIEF COUNSELER.

INT. GRIEF COUNSELOR'S OFFICE

GRIEF COUNSELOR
Were you the last person to talk to the Crying Blond Girl before she jumped to her death?

SUMMER GLAU
Probably. Lemme recall her exact words in a creepy bit of sublime acting.

GRIEF COUNSELOR
I'm kind of creeped out. Also I'm alluding to possibly my involvement with Crying Blond Girl's death, maybe. At the very least I give off a pedophile vibe.

SUMMER GLAU
I gotta go now.

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM - POLICE STATION

RICHARD T. JONES
Are you distracted by my sexy bald head? Because I want to seem friendly to you while I accuse you of killing your safehouse buddies, Enrique the paper forger, Andy Goode, a scientist, and a plastic surgeon.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
There's no way you think I killed all those people.

RICHARD T. JONES
Yeah, you're right. Our forensic evidence is some creepy blood that's not even human. So help me out here.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Mister, if you don't already know what's going on, I'm not about to tell you.

INT. JAIL HOUSE HALLWAY

RICHARD T. JONES orders BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN to be moved into Federal custody. Then the BAD TERMINATOR that PUNCHED OUT A COP and KILLED ALL THE RESISTANCE FIGHTERS walks by.

BEAR MCCREARY (SOUNDTRACK)
Poundy drums! Dun da dun!

EXT. JAIL HOUSE ENTRANCE

LENA HEADEY
(on the phone with the Grief Counselor)
What now?

GRIEF COUNSELOR
Your stepdaughter is a weirdo.

LENA HEADEY
That's because she's upset about tornadoes. Good day sir.

LENA sneaks in to the JAILHOUSE with a BAD WIG and a STOLEN I.D.

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
I know who you are. Now go away.

LENA HEADEY
You've been stalking Andy. Clearly you killed him.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Nuh-uhn. He was dead when I found him. I thought you killed him. All I wanted was the Chess Playing Computer of Ultimate Doom. But now he's dead and you're here and the computer is gone. Woe!

LENA makes a FROWNY FACE.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
A T-888 is trying to kill me, so you should leave.

LENA HEADEY
We should get you out of here!

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
That would be ill-advised. Also, I'm Derek Reese, Kyle Reese's brother. But I don't expect you to understand the significance of that. You're just the mother of the savior of the world.

LENA leaves and the guards move BRIAN to Federal custody. The T-888 knocks down some prison doors looking for BRIAN.

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)
I didn't know that Kyle Reese, father of my son, had any brothers or family. Now that I know a potential father figure exists for John that is not Dean Winters or a robot of some sort, I feel obligated to save him from the killer robots.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL

THOMAS walks up to the BLOND PENCIL-LENDER GIRL, CHERYL.

THOMAS DEKKER
I'm going to call you Sherry now.

CHERYL
Okay, whatever, I gotta go. Pretend like you don't know me so that my dad doesn't freak out.

CHERYL gets in her dad's car and leaves. MORRIS and SUMMER walk up.

MORRIS
I told you that Cheryl was super weird!

SUMMER GLAU
It's time to go, John.

MORRIS
Oh my God, your sister is super hot.

THOMAS DEKKER
She could crack you in half. You should probably not hit on her.

INT. PRISONER TRANSPORT VAN

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN pulls a razor or something OUT OF HIS ARM TATTOO and opens his handcuffs. SUMMER, LENA, and THOMAS drive up behind the van in a JEEP they got somewhere. SUMMER climbs on the prison van and PUNCHES A HOLE through the windshield, then LENA pulls a GUN on the prison guards. SUMMER climbs in to the PRISONER TRANSPORT VAN.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
(trying to shoot Summer)
I don't trust robots! And for good reason!

LENA HEADEY
She's on our side! Plus: boobs!

The T-888 runs up to the truck, and SUMMER SHOOTS lots of HOLES in him. The T-888 climbs into the van and has a TERMINATOR BITCH FIGHT with SUMMER that causes the truck to SWERVE all over the road. LENA pulls over to get in the JEEP that THOMAS is driving, and the T-888 takes that opportunity to BEAT THE CRAP out of SUMMER, and then SHOOT BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN. SUMMER gets up and BEATS the T-888 WITH A PIPE. Then she holds him down and REMOVES HIS ROBOT BRAIN CHIP THING. It looks suspiciously like a SPARKPLUG-SHAPED BIKE LOCK.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN is laid out on the kitchen table to BLEED TO DEATH.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN
Even though I'm shot and dying, I don't want the robot girl to touch me. Robot cooties!

SUMMER GLAU
He needs a real doctor or he's going to die.

LENA HEADEY
Fuck this noise! I'll take a doctor hostage!

LENA goes in to her bedroom and pulls out a STUN GUN.

THOMAS DEKKER
That is an exceptionally stupid idea!

LENA HEADEY
Shut up! He's your uncle! But he doesn't know, so don't tell him!

THOMAS runs away.

EXT. ROAD WHERE THEY DITCHED THE PRISONER TRANSPORT VAN - CRIME SCENE

RICHARD T. JONES
(to prison guard)
You let a bunch of girls beat you up. What a pussy you are.

RICHARD T. JONES walks around the CRIME SCENE and finds a ROBOT HAND in the MIDDLE OF THE STREET.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE

LENA is holding her hands over BRIAN'S BULLET WOUND, while SUMMER writes a GRIEF NOTE, possibly to the T-888 she disassembled. "Dear Ruthless Killer Machine That Was Programmed To Kill Some Guy I Don't Know But Who Is Clearly A Robot Bigot: I'm sorry I had to unplug you. Maybe someday you'll get reformatted and we can go for root beer floats at four am, since neither of us sleeps. Love and Kisses, Cameron."

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)
Chess is like war, except for the blood and killing stuff. In war you can change the rules, though, which is what makes war more dramatic than chess. I know you signed up to watch a computer-playing-chess show, but tough cookies. We're going to blow stuff up and make friends out of enemies and all that junk.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN goes in to CARDIAC ARREST just as THOMAS DEKKER shows up with DEAN WINTERS. LENA makes a FROWNY FACE as DEAN WINTERS begins CPR on BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN.

FADE OUT.

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