I'm on Team Katniss. I can't decide, so I'll just let the boys figure it out.

Merlin: The Wicked Day
Oh, it's wicked, all right.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 2
Arthur sacrifices himself for Camelot... almost.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 1
Morgana unleashes a ghost army on Camelot.

T:SCC Pilot

scc01.jpg

Since this show debuted to great ratings due to a writer's strike, and since our recaps are more fun when they've got a "hook" (we're like pop music that way!) all Sarah Connor Chronicles recaps shall pay tribute to the great screenwriters of our time through script form. (Thanks to Rod Hilton at The Editing Room for giving me the idea.)

FADE IN:

EXT. A CREEPY ROAD SOMEWHERE

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)
Remember me? From last year's smash hit 300? I'm Sarah Connor now!

LENA HEADEY, who at the time of the original TERMINATOR movie was eleven years old, is somehow now old enough to be SARAH CONNOR. She picks up her son, THOMAS DEKKER, from school. There are lots of cops outside and also a TERMINATOR, who shoots and kills THOMAS. The audience realizes that this is a DREAM SEQUENCE.


TERMINATOR

The future begins now.


Everything EXPLODES in a CGI FRENZY of NUCLEAR EXPLOSIONS and then LENA HEADEY wakes up.

INT. A HOUSE IN NEBRASKA

DEAN WINTERS
Hey, look! It's me! From tv's Oz! And I'm marrying tv's Sarah Connor!

LENA HEADEY
You're a jackass.

FADE TO: OPENING TITLE CARD.

BEAR MCCREARY
Dun da duhn da duhn! Remember this? The poundy drums? From Battlestar Galactica? We're in this show now!

INT. JOHN CONNOR'S ROOM

THOMAS DEKKER
Mom, when you watch me sleep, it creeps me out.

LENA HEADEY
Wake up! We're leaving now! I am unbelieveably angry about you not wanting to uproot your whole life every few months! Do it now!

THOMAS DEKKER
Silently, I hate you.

INT. POLICE STATION

DEAN WINTERS
My fiancee left me! That's so weird!

RICHARD T. JONES
You're a jackass.

RICHARD T. JONES is an FBI AGENT and knows all about how LENA HEADEY used to be LINDA HAMILTON and escaped from a nut barn. He shows DEAN pictures of a dead PHIL MORRIS, and GEEKTRESS rejoices.

RICHARD T. JONES
Your girlfriend killed this guy and a bunch of other people.

DEAN WINTERS
Don't say mean things about Lena Headey! I love her!

RICHARD T. JONES
Backstory! Explanation of Skynet for people who don't know about TERMINATORS! You're a jackass!

There is a montage of LENA HEADEY running away, RICHARD T. JONES updating his SARAH CONNOR DATABASE, and a TERMINATOR downloading the new information, grateful for the PATRIOT ACT.

INT. HIGHSCHOOL IN NEW MEXICO

SUMMER GLAU
Hey! Remember me? From tv and film's Firefly? I'm in this, too!

Any audience members previously unaware of casting news for THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES now realize that SUMMER GLAU obviously has some important part to play in the series and the suspense surrounding her GETTING SHOT MULTIPLE TIMES will be MINIMALIZED later.

SUMMER GLAU
I am very interested in you, John Connor, because you are the new kid, and not because I am a robot from the future.

THOMAS DEKKER
Go away, mysterious hot girl.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE

LENA HEADEY is painting the living room. This shows her MATERNAL NESTING INSTINCT. THOMAS DEKKER huffily listens to INCUBUS'S PARDON ME on his headphones, because THIS IS 1999.

THOMAS DEKKER
This is a hick town and I hate it. I don't want to wear cowboy boots. The school's computers suck.

LENA HEADEY
DON'T TOUCH COMPUTERS! COMPUTERS ARE BAD! GRRRR!

EXT. RINKY DINK AIRPORT IN NEW MEXICO

LOCAL SHERIFF'S DEPUTY
Hi! We're hicks!

RICHARD T. JONES
Even though it took me many years and DEAN WINTERS to find Sarah Connor initially, I am hot on her trail now.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM

THOMAS DEKKER
I'm a liar and also my mom is a bitch. Please forgive me for being stand-offish.

SUMMER GLAU
Boy, you don't know the half of it.


OWAIN YEOMAN, of tv's fantastic but cancelled THE NINE, enters the room. He introduces himself as the substitute teacher and takes attendence. None of this seems suspicious to anyone. When THOMAS DEKKER is stupid enough to respond during roll call, OWAIN pulls a gun OUT OF HIS LEG and SHOOTS UP THE CLASS. SUMMER GLAU takes a few BULLETS TO THE CHEST in a very AWKWARD WAY.

OWAIN YEOMAN
Class dismissed! It's no "I'll be back," but it'll do!

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOT

OWAIN is chasing THOMAS DEKKER and he uses TERMINATOR VISION to see THOMAS hiding behind a car, which OWAIN promptly SHOOTS AT A LOT. Then SUMMER GLAU RUNS OVER OWAIN WITH A PICKUP TRUCK.

SUMMER GLAU
(to a stunned John Connor)
Come with me if you want to live! YES! I got to say it! Also, I'm a TERMINATOR. Booyah!


EXT. FIELD ACROSS FROM HIGH SCHOOL

OWAIN YEOMAN finds LENA HEADEY hiding behind some rocks. He uses TERMINATOR VOICE FAKERY to answer LENA'S cell phone, and tells THOMAS to go to their house.

THOMAS DEKKER
I am not fooled by this chicanery.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE

SUMMER GLAU walks in, dressed as John Connor. She uses the VOICE FAKERY to fake out OWAIN. This also fakes out LENA for a moment and she gets verklempt when OWAIN SHOOTS SUMMER REPEATEDLY. Then OWAIN and SUMMER have a TERMINATOR BITCH FIGHT and tear up the Connor house. There will be no security deposit returned from this.

LENA HEADEY
(shooting gun)
(to THOMAS DEKKER)

I told you to run away! Not lead other TERMINATORS on a rescue mission! Don't you ever listen to me? God!

SUMMER GLAU beats OWAIN YEOMAN by ELECTROCUTING him, and then SUMMER, LENA, and THOMAS make a getaway.

SUMMER GLAU
TERMINATORS take 120 seconds to reboot. Please remember this for future episodes.

EXT. DUSTY WAREHOUSE

LENA and a NAKED SUMMER GLAU are sitting around a bonfire while SUMMER pulls out the bullets in her CHEST.

LENA HEADEY
Put your boobs away, I don't want to see them.

SUMMER GLAU
(putting boobs into bra)
I am from 2027. Skynet goes online in 2011. Unlike in Terminator 3, the nuclear apocalypse doesn't happen until two days after Skynet takes over.

LENA HEADEY
This is impossible! I killed PHIL MORRIS! I blew up his laboratory! You saw Terminator 2, right?

SUMMER GLAU
Someone else builds Skynet, but my database does not know by who or when. Also, your fiancee is a jackass and is the reason you almost were just terminated. So don't get pissy with me, it's your poor choice of men that got us in to this, lady.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE

RICHARD T. JONES enjoys a burger while the crime scene technicians take photographs in the background.

LOCAL SHERIFF'S DEPUTY
Gollll-eee! What happened here?

RICHARD T. JONES
Witnesses say it was robots. I am unconvinced, with undertones of annoyance.

INT. NON-DESCRIPT APARTMENT

OWAIN YEOMAN is taping up his MASSIVE FLESH WOUNDS with DUCT TAPE. He has taken lessons from the BRENDA KIRK SCHOOL OF HOME SURGERY.

INT. DUSTY WAREHOUSE

SUMMER rips a CAGE THING off the front of the pickup truck for NO APPARENT REASON.

THOMAS DEKKER
Mo-om-mm! I don't understand why there are more Terminators! Didn't we blow them up? I don't feel like being the savior of the world! I just want to listen to Incubus! You do all the hard work!

LENA HEADEY
Okie doke. Hey, robot, we're not going to run away. We're going to go find Skynet.

SUMMER GLAU GLARES at LENA HEADEY in DISBELIEF.

EXT. GAS STATION

Cleverly, there are no shots of GAS PRICES that would reflect how it's 1999 and not the ERA OF GETTING ASS FUCKED BY OIL PRICES.

SUMMER GLAU
(to John Connor)
Sorry I lied to you about being a robot from the future.

THOMAS DEKKER
Well, I hate myself and am a loser so I should have known that when hot chicks talk to me, it's out of place.

SUMMER GLAU
Jesus, you're depressing.

THOMAS DEKKER
What model are you? You seem different. And I don't just mean the boobs, which I didn't get to see on a robot previously, in Terminator 3 -- because that movie hasn't happened yet.

SUMMER GLAU
I am the eerily vacant yet ethereal and imposing chick model. Who likes tortilla chips, so give me some.
(eats chips)
See, we are bonding. This should make the audience uneasy.

LENA gets a FROWNY FACE.

EXT. LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA. DYSON RESIDENCE

CHARLAYNE WOODARD, who is not EMMY and GOLDEN GLOBE winner S. EPATHA MERKERSON, but was in LACKAWANNA BLUES with her, answers the door.

CHARLAYNE WOODARD
Go away! I hate you! You killed my husband!

LENA HEADEY
Did not! Shut up! Listen to me! Terminators are back!

SUMMER flashes her eyes at CHARLAYNE, and instead of being TERRIFYING TERMINATOR RED, they are a soothing GOOD TERMINATOR BLUE.

CHARLAYNE WOODARD
I'm tired of this robot shit.

LENA HEADEY
Tell us about Skynet, anyway!

SUMMER GLAU
There are more terminators outside, so we should probably leave.

LENA HEADEY
We're taking your car, Charlayne. Sorry about getting your husband killed! But not really!

SUMMER and LENA and THOMAS escape in CHARLAYNE'S car. OWAIN YEOMAN shoots at them and chases them down the street. SUMMER activates a BOMB that she placed in the pickup truck, and it BLOWS UP OWAIN. But he is not dead, because we still have TEN MINUTES LEFT.

INT. NON-DESCRIPT GARAGE

LENA HEADEY
I'm glad there is no shortage of abandoned warehouses on this show!

SUMMER GLAU
I will stitch up your bullet wounds, Sarah Connor. Just let me get some ice.

LENA HEADEY
I'm a tough bitch, so I can do it without ice or anesthetic!

SUMMER GLAU
Fine, whatever.

LENA HEADEY
(suddenly sad)
My son John will totally leave me if we keep trying to run away from killer robots. He wants to go to school and pick up chicks and win King of the Winter Carnival to the soft strains of Matchbox Twenty. So we have to fight Skynet, because that is the more interesting option, and will originate creative plot lines, instead of Smallville-esque ones.

INT. BANK

SUMMER GLAU
I opened a safety deposit box here in 1963, because I'm a robot from the future who can time travel.

SUMMER knocks out a guard and TAKES HIS GUN, then demands keys to the safety deposit boxes from the teller. SUMMER tells the teller to LOCK THEM IN THE VAULT. She does.

LENA HEADEY
I am not sure what's going on, but I will go along with this while you punch holes in safety deposit boxes.

SUMMER GLAU
Here are some keys. Please open the corresponding lock boxes.

The trio opens up a bunch of SAFETY DEPOSIT BOXES that seem to be FILLED WITH GUN PARTS.

INT. FBI OFFICES

SHORT FBI DUDE
Hey, RICHARD T. JONES. Your mysterious psychotic robot lady is currently robbing a bank.

There is live SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE of LENA HEADEY in the bank because THAT WOULD TOTALLY HAPPEN.

RICHARD T. JONES
I have no idea what is going on.

INT. BANK VAULT

THOMAS DEKKER
Why are we putting together a big gun in a bank vault?

SUMMER GLAU
You know how when Terminators appear from the future they're all naked? This is because time travel is a fickle mistress, and will not allow us to bring underwear or super space-age weaponry with us. Therefore we must send someone back to 1963 to build a gun, then dismantle it, then hide it in a bank vault for thirty five years until it's needed.

THOMAS DEKKER
This all seems very complicated but is kind of cool.

SWAT TEAMS assemble outside of the bank, and then OWAIN YEOMAN walks up and his TERMINATOR VISION determines the HEAVILY ARMED POLICE OFFICERS are NOT A THREAT. This is COMEDY.

SUMMER GLAU
There's also a time machine in this bank. In case some of us get sick of 1999. Like right now. Let's go to 2007.

LENA HEADEY
This sounds sketchy. I better go along with it.

SUMMER GLAU
Please take this gigantic but non-nuclear yet vaguely dangerous sounding weapon.

OWAIN finally breaks down the vault door, and LENA SHOOTS HER BIG GUN AT HIM just as SUMMER ACTIVATES THE TIME MACHINE. The trio arrives in 2007 in a LIGHTNING BALL. They are NAKED on a HIGHWAY in LOS ANGELES. This should not seem shocking to any Southern Californians, yet it IS. A helpful young lad takes CAMERA PHONE VIDEO of a NAKED LENA HEADEY.

LENA HEADEY
Where are we?

SUMMER GLAU
You mean WHEN are we.

A construction sign helpfully flashes WHEN THEY ARE -- SEPTEMBER 2007. Then SUMMER beats up some FRAT GUYS for their clothes and car.

SUMMER GLAU
(to John Connor)
You're safe.

LENA HEADEY and THOMAS DEKKER
No one is ever safe.

The end montage plays during breaking news of NAKED LENA HEADEY CAMERA PHONE VIDEO. RICHARD T. JONES and DEAN WINTERS notice this news broadcast, or else why the hell else would we be showing it. Slow motion with POUNDING DRUM SOUNDTRACK.

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)
I am gonna kick me some robot ass.

BEAR MCCREARY
Poundy drums! POUND POUND POUND!

FADE OUT.

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Comments (1)

Dane:

and a TERMINATOR downloading the new information, grateful for the PATRIOT ACT.
...
He has taken lessons from the BRENDA KIRK SCHOOL OF HOME SURGERY.

HA HA HA! These are my favorite bits. You are golden, Bren.