WE ARE EQUAL OPPORTUNITY HUNK.

Merlin: The Wicked Day
Oh, it's wicked, all right.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 2
Arthur sacrifices himself for Camelot... almost.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 1
Morgana unleashes a ghost army on Camelot.

T:SCC Heavy Metal

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FADE IN:

INT. PLASTIC SURGEON'S OFFICE

PLASTIC SURGEON
I'm dictating stuff!

The PLASTIC SURGEON hears a noise and goes to INVESTIGATE. The BAD TERMINATOR, who now has a dumb name which is used a lot in this episode, CROMARTIE, is scanning through patient records on a COMPUTER. He stops when he gets to a picture of GARRET DILLAHUNT, who is DREAMY despite his past gigs which included playing a GREASY RUSSIAN MOBSTER and a GEOLOGIST WHO LIKED TO KILL PROSTITUTES FOR FUN.

PLASTIC SURGEON
Hey! You! Get out of here! I'm busy dictating stuff!

CROMARTIE
(takes off face mask)
I need reconstructive surgery right now.

The PLASTIC SURGEON makes a HORRIFIED FACE.

INT. JOHN CONNOR'S ROOM

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)
When my child -- who I've known since birth will be the heroic leader in a deadly freedom fight against cyborgs who turn on their creators -- was very young, I told him a terrifying fairy tale about Golems. You see, Golems are made out of clay and are gigantic and powerful and are supposed to obey their masters, but of course in the version of the tale I told John, the Golems turn on their masters and kill them. This story was a mistake and I scared the wits out of my young son because I'm apparently an idiot.

THOMAS DEKKER is surfing the internet despite his mother telling him he CAN'T USE COMPUTERS. He is looking at the HASTILY PUT TOGETHER MEMORIAL MYSPACE PAGE for the CRYING BLOND GIRL who JUMPED TO HER DEATH.

LENA HEADEY
Hey, John. Sorry about how that girl plunged to her death in front of you, and everything.

THOMAS DEKKER
Yeah, well, life sucks. I've learned to resent it.

SUMMER GLAU
Cromartie is here in Los Angeles. I know this because some metal called Coltan is being stockpiled in a secret bunker. Also I have this dvd of our time teleportation, which I can't figure out how to play despite being a highly advanced computer system.

THOMAS DEKKER
You have the tv on AUX 2, retard.

SUMMER GLAU
Anyway, I can somehow enhance camera phone video enough to prove that the head of Cromartie survived, and will rebuild himself in order to kill us. By the way, we won't know what he looks like.

THOMAS DEKKER
Let's go hide out at the ports and when the Coltan is delivered, we can jump Cromartie. Yeah, this sounds like a smart plan.

LENA HEADEY
Okay! There's some explosives in the bathroom that we should bring with.

EXT. PORTS

Some big boxes of COLTAN are being loaded on a truck. THOMAS and LENA have hidden EXPLOSIVES around the truck and are LAYING IN WAIT. The TRUCK leaves with HUMANS driving it, which means that the HUMANS are working with the BAD TERMINATORS now. THOMAS and LENA and SUMMER decide to FOLLOW THE TRUCK to a NON-DESCRIPT WAREHOUSE.

INT. NON-DESCRIPT WAREHOUSE

The COLTAN is being OFFLOADED from one truck onto MILITARY VEHICLES. The trio is SPYING INSIDE through an OPEN WINDOW.

SUMMER GLAU
Coltan is awesome because it has a really high melting point. It's used to make Terminator exo-skeletons. What we lack in personality we make up for in heat resistance.

LENA HEADEY
Shut up.

The very attractive BRIAN BLOOM appears to be the LEADER of OPERATION: STEAL AND STOCKPILE COLTAN, and SUMMER determines that he is NOT CROMARTIE, but he IS A TERMINATOR. He is also VERY DREAMY, as this episode involves a PLETHORA OF HANDSOME MEN.

LENA HEADEY
Remember when you explained in the last two episodes how not all Terminators are programmed to Kill John Connor? Explain it to me again.

SUMMER GLAU
Not all Terminators are programmed to Kill John Connor.

LENA HEADEY
Oh, right. Thanks.

INT. PLASTIC SURGEON'S OFFICE - CRIME SCENE

An OVERWEIGHT CITY DETECTIVE leads RICHARD T. JONES to the DEAD BODY.

CITY COP
Why does the F.B.I. care about dead plastic surgeons?

RICHARD T. JONES
We don't, we care about robots.

CITY COP
Oh, well, here is the surveillance footage of the suspect leaving the office. He was here for two days.

The SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE shows GARRET DILLAHUNT in a HOODIE. Someone points out that GARRET was a FORMER PATIENT named GEORGE LASZLO.

EXT. NON-DESCRIPT WAREHOUSE

THOMAS DEKKER
Let's take the explosives and blow all these new Terminators up.

LENA HEADEY
How about no?

SUMMER GLAU
I agree, this is a stupid plan.

THOMAS DEKKER runs away from LENA and SUMMER and SNEAKS INTO THE WAREHOUSE. He climbs on to the truck with the COLTAN, and PLANTS HIS PALM PILOT THING. Then he gets LOCKED INSIDE THE TRUCK because this was a STUPID PLAN.

A GUARD OR SOMETHING comes up behind LENA and SUMMER and they DON'T HEAR IT until he has a GUN POINTED AT THEIR HEADS. LENA disarms him, and then she and SUMMER chase after the truck, using the GPS THING on the PALM PILOT. The PALM PILOT in the truck FALLS TO THE FLOOR, awakening the SLEEPING GUARD at the back of the truck.

LENA HEADEY
Oh no, the GPS is no longer tracking! Clearly the answer to this is to slam the keyboard repeatedly on the desktop.

SUMMER GLAU
I see you graduated from the BRENDA KIRK SCHOOL OF FIXING STUFF.

LENA HEADEY
This was a stupid plan! And my hair looks terrible in this scene!

SUMMER GLAU
By the way, in case you forgot, the apocalypse is coming.

INT. COLTAN TRUCK

THOMAS whallups the guard over the head, and then tries to PRY the lock on the outside of the truck open. He OPENS IT? This should not be MADE VERY CLEAR. Anyway, he DOESN'T LEAVE THE TRUCK.

INT. RICHARD T. JONES'S OFFICE

The SASSY FEMALE FBI AGENT is being played by CATHERINE DENT, whom I've been informed is from tv's THE SHIELD. RICHARD is going over photos of GARRET.

CATHERINE DENT
Hey, we ordered out for lunch and you missed it. Free food is so rare in the Bureau that we thought for sure you were dead.

RICHARD shows CATHERINE a picture of GARRET.

RICHARD T. JONES
Do you recognize this man?

CATHERINE DENT
No. And now I will suggest that your dedication to this case is something that hasn't happened since 1999, meaning that after the Connors teleported away, you almost got shitcanned or something. Also, there are much younger, cuter guys in this department now.

The UNBELIEVABLY SEXY LEE THOMPSON YOUNG walks in.

LEE THOMPSON YOUNG
Oh, I'm sorry, did someone say young, cute guys? By the way, Garret Dillahunt is in the interview room.

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM

RICHARD T. JONES
We have a lot of dead bodies, blah blah blah, you're a failed actor, blah blah, give us your blood.

GARRET DILLAHUNT
Okay. Here's my arm.

A technician DRAWS GARRET'S BLOOD. It's a very complicated process with POUNDY DRUMS.

GARRET DILLAHUNT
Fascist!

RICHARD T. JONES
Hag!

INT. NON-DESCRIPT WAREHOUSE

The GUARD OR SOMETHING that LENA punched out PREVIOUSLY is now TIED TO A CHAIR.

LENA HEADEY
I will punch you repeatedly until you tell me where the truck went.

GUARD OR SOMETHING
I will not tell you where the truck went!

LENA HEADEY
(cutting restraints)
Okay, you can go. First you have to beat my robot.

SUMMER GLAU
Hi. I'm the robot.

CUT TO: INT. TRUCK

The GUARD GUY is TERRIFIED and is driving LENA and SUMMER to "MCGUIRE GUNNERY RANGE," which is the hidden bunker that the COLTAN is being STOCKPILED at.

MEANWHILE, the COLTAN CONVOY is arriving at the HIDDEN BUNKER.

INT. GEORGE LASZLO'S APARTMENT

GARRET is heating up a burrito when CROMARTIE shows up.

GARRET
Hey, you look like me!

CROMARTIE picks GARRET up by the scruff of the neck, and the CGI is terrible in this scene, because GARRET, a six foot two inch tall man, looks like he has tiny kid feet compared to his TERMINATOR counterpart. Then CROMARTIE SMASHES GARRET'S HEAD into a mirror.

INT. FBI BRIEFING ROOM

RICHARD T. JONES
So, in conclusion, I totally don't think killer robots are running loose in the city, and having plastic surgery.

LEE THOMPSON YOUNG
There is no evidence to support that theory, which I will debunk in a snotty manner, showing you up in front of your boss.

The meeting ADJOURNS.

CATHERINE DENT
Why are you making such a big deal about seemingly unconnected crimes?

RICHARD T. JONES
For no real reason, just my cop's intuition. Go with it. By the way: not robots.

EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE HIDDEN BUNKER

LENA has ordered SUMMER to leave the GUARD GUY stranded in the middle of a MINEFIELD.

SUMMER GLAU
This is inefficient, Jim.

LENA HEADEY
Humans are illogical, Mr. Spock.

INT. HIDDEN BUNKER

The HENCHMEN DUDES who are DRESSED LIKE SOLDIERS open the truck and think their friend has DITCHED THEM. The leave the truck WIDE OPEN. THOMAS DEKKER sneaks out in time to see BRIAN BLOOM SHOOT the HENCHMEN DUDES dead. BRIAN then uses a KEY AROUND HIS NECK to CLOSE THE BUNKER DOORS. He stands stock-still in front of the closed doors, as though he's BUFFERING.

LENA and SUMMER arrive at the BUNKER, but the BLAST DOORS are CLOSED.

SUMMER GLAU
This bunker becomes the factory where I am made. Please excuse me while I take photos for my scrapbook.

The HENCHMAN from the truck that THOMAS knocked out is AWAKE, and is STUPID. THOMAS tries to explain that BRIAN BLOOM is CRAZY and will KILL THEM.

HENCHMAN
(holding gun to Brian's head)
You bastard, you forgot to pay me!

BRIAN BLOOM
(rebooting)
Hey. I'm taking a nap here.

BRIAN snaps the HENCHMAN'S neck, and then powers back down. THOMAS notices a ROTARY PHONE in the bunker and DIALS OUT TO HIS MOM. QUIETLY.

LENA HEADEY
(to Summer Glau)
This stupid plan of John's is all your fault.

SUMMER GLAU
I hardly see how you came to that conclusion, but I will say the reckless, daring John is more likely the savior of the world than the sniveling brat you raised.

LENA'S phone rings.

THOMAS DEKKER
So, I'm stuck in a fallout sheltor with a killer robot.

LENA HEADEY
If you don't wake up the sleeping robot, you can open the blast doors and run away!

THOMAS DEKKER
I thought we established that I don't like to run away from things!

THOMAS tries to OPEN the BLAST DOORS but finds out that the KEY is MISSING. This is because the KEY is around BRIAN BLOOM'S NECK. THOMAS removes the KEY in a VERY GENTLE WAY, so as to not wake the SLEEPING ROBOT. Then he OPENS the BLAST DOORS. Before BRIAN can reboot, SUMMER starts to KICK HIS ASS.

THOMAS and LENA try to get away in the COLTAN TRUCK, but THOMAS can't drive a STICK. Meanwhile, BRIAN and SUMMER are having a TERMINATOR BITCH FIGHT.

LENA HEADEY
Seriously, John, you gotta learn how to do normal things like drive a car, or you're going to be useless in the future.

BRIAN tries to STOP the COLTAN TRUCK from leaving, but they RUN HIM OVER. SUMMER closes the BLAST DOORS and takes the KEY with her. BRIAN is stuck forever in his SEXY, SEXY, TOMB.

INT. GEORGE LASZLO'S APARTMENT

RICHARD T. JONES
Hey, how's it going? I love Hot Pockets! By the way, don't sue us for illegally taking your blood.

CROMARTIE / GARRET
Okay.

RICHARD T. JONES
Here's my card. Make sure you come and kill me in my sleep some time.

CROMARTIE / GARRET
I plan on it!

EXT. ROCKY CLIFF - DAY

SUMMER drives the COLTAN TRUCK off the edge of a cliff while LENA and THOMAS watch from a SAFE DISTANCE.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE - MONTAGE

SUMMER has snuck a piece of the COLTAN back in the house with her somehow. THOMAS is trying to do his homework but is shaking in FEAR or something.

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)
You know that terrifying Golem story from the beginning of this episode? The really stupid thing is that it has lots of different endings, most which don't end in the Golems destroying their masters. I chose to tell my small child the worst possible ending, though. I guess this builds character.

FADE OUT.

I LOVE YOU GARRET DILLAHUNT. PLEASE RETURN NEXT WEEK.

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