I really wish we weren't so awesome, it ruins day-to-day living for everything else.

Merlin: The Wicked Day
Oh, it's wicked, all right.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 2
Arthur sacrifices himself for Camelot... almost.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 1
Morgana unleashes a ghost army on Camelot.

T:SCC Gnothi Seauton

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OPENING CREDIT MONTAGE

Previously, SARAH AND JOHN CONNOR TELEPORTED IN TO THE FUTURE.

What you did not see was that the BAD TERMINATOR from the PREVIOUS EPISODE also TELEPORTED to 2007. His SKULL FLIES AT THE CAMERA.

FADE IN:

EXT. LOS ANGELES HIGHWAY

The TERMINATOR SKULL is being picked up from the side of the road by a STUPID HIGHWAY WORKER.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE, LOS ANGELES

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)
I'm getting really sick of having to adopt secret identities to hide from robots.

THOMAS DEKKER
You're color blind and bought me the wrong-handled pliers. Also I hate it here.

LENA HEADEY
Shut up! God!

SUMMER GLAU
Where the hell are our fake I.D.s?

LENA HEADEY
Dammit! Everyone shut up! I'll go find my ethnic-sounding paperwork forger!

SUMMER GLAU
Or you could use the forgers that John Connor has sent back from the future.


INT. STOLEN CAR

LENA HEADEY
There are forgers that John sent back from the future? Why didn't you tell me!

SUMMER GLAU
I was saving it for this episode.

LENA HEADEY
Despite having a child fathered by a Resistance Fighter, I am surprised to find out there are other Resistance Fighters here.


THOMAS DEKKER calls his mother to complain about the lack of groceries in the house.

LENA HEADEY
You are supremely annoying. Just stay in the house, or else we'll have more plot devices to deal with.

INT. LOW-RENT APARTMENT BUILDING

In the SECRET RESISTANCE FIGHTER HIDEOUT, all the Resistance Fighters are DEAD.

LENA HEADEY
I recognize their barcode tattoos as vaguely-holocaust-like, same as Kyle Reese's. This is interesting continuity.

Some sort of terminator WAKES UP AND STARTS KICKING SUMMER GLAU'S ASS. When she THROWS HIM OUT A WINDOW, he re-evaluates his mission and RUNS AWAY. SUMMER CHASES HIM, and then LENA STEALS A MOTORCYCLE AT GUNPOINT to follow them.

LENA skids the motorcycle at the terminator, and TAKES HIM OUT. SUMMER gets HIT BY A CAR. Her head goes THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD.

SUMMER GLAU
(to family in car)
Please remain calm.

EXT. CONNOR HOUSE

LENA ASSAULTS SUMMER. Instead of ripping LENA's head off, they HAVE A CONVERSATION.

LENA HEADEY
What the fuck? Why are Terminators still chasing us? Why did we bother time traveling?

SUMMER GLAU
Because you die in 2005. We had to avoid that and negate most of the events of Terminator 3.

LENA makes a FROWNY FACE.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE

LENA HEADEY
So there are terminators everywhere, but not all of them are programmed to kill John Connor?

SUMMER GLAU
Yes. Some of them have been programmed to kill other people.

THOMAS DEKKER
That's awesome. We don't have to care about other people.

LENA HEADEY
But what if my dumb son goes around announcing that he is John Connor, savior of the future?

SUMMER GLAU
Then they will kill him, and rightfully so.

THOMAS DEKKER
I want my new id! I want to go to school!

LENA HEADEY
Okay, I'm going, I'm going, GOD!
(to Summer)
Hey, Tin Man, let's go.

SUMMER GLAU
Why did you call me Tin Man? I am not a terrible Sci Fi Channel miniseries.

LENA HEADEY
It's a figure of speech. Just like, on the previous episode, when you said "That sucks," you did not literally mean that a vacuum was created. I find it interesting that you understood the subtleties of language previously but are now confused by it.

INT. SARAH CONNOR'S CAR

LENA HEADEY
Did John send you back to save me from dying?

SUMMER GLAU
He sent you back to kick some ass because he is unable to do so himself.

LENA HEADEY
How did I die?

SUMMER GLAU
Cancer.

LENA makes a FROWNY FACE.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE

THOMAS DEKKER does some schtick where he tries to set his voicemail message. This BORES HIM, and he LEAVES, despite his mother REPEATEDLY telling him NOT TO.

INT. ENRIQUE'S HOUSE

ENRIQUE
Hallo! My name is Inigo Montoya! I forge your passport! Prepare to pay!

LENA HEADEY
I need three sets of papers.

ENRIQUE
Oh, I retired. You can try my nephew though. He's way more threatening than I am.

EXT. SHOPPING MALL

THOMAS DEKKER goes to the VALLEY SQUARE MALL because he's COMPLETELY FUCKING STUPID. He GOOGLES HIMSELF because EVERYONE DOES THAT SOMETIMES. It's VERY NATURAL. Then he looks up DEAN WINTERS and is surprised to find that even though DEAN WINTERS LIVED IN NEBRASKA he MOVED TO LOS ANGELES to be an EMT.

SALESWOMAN
Hey, dumbass. You're searching the internet on a giant screen tv in the middle of a computer store.

THOMAS DEKKER
This is because I am from the past and do not understand the internet.

INT. STUPID HIGHWAY WORKER'S HOUSE

The STUPID HIGHWAY WORKER puts the SKULL OF THE TERMINATOR on his COFFEE TABLE. The RED EYES START TO GLOW.

EXT. SCRAPYARD

A terminator hand PUNCHES THROUGH A GARBAGE DUMPSTER and then totally KILLS A JUNKYARD EMPLOYEE.

EXT. ENRIQUE'S NEPHEW'S HOUSE

The neighborhood is clearly in some sort of GANG TERRITORY as there are sketchy characters and cars with NEON DETAILING and SPANISH RAP SONGS playing in the background, and this means it's a ROUGH NEIGHBORHOOD.

LENA HEADEY
(to silent Latina type)
Hi! We're white.

SILENT LATINA stares in another direction.

LENA HEADEY
Ahem? Excuse me? I'm important?

SILENT LATINA rolls her eyes and leads LENA and SUMMER into CARLOS's HOUSE. The various big scary dogs in Carlos's house try to ATTACK SUMMER GLAU. LENA makes SUMMER wait outside. OUTSIDE, SILENT LATINA and SUMMER strike a pose and BOND, SILENTLY.

INT. CARLOS'S HOUSE

CARLOS
Your death made my uncle cry. But I will still overcharge you for the set of papers you want.

LENA HEADEY
I object!

CARLOS
We have to be careful because of terrorism. Ever since 9/11, honest forgers have it rough.

LENA HEADEY
What's 9/11?

Before we can hear a CRINGEWORTHY RECAP of SEPTEMBER 11th, we

CUT TO: EXT. CARLOS'S HOUSE

COP
Hey! Silent Latina! Who is this white girl?

SILENT LATINA refuses to answer and LEAVES. The NOSY COP implies to SUMMER that drug runners hide their DRUGS in STOLEN CARS. He tries to run the license plate on LENA and SUMMER'S STOLEN CAR.

LENA HEADEY
Hey! Uhm... Diversion! Look over here!

LENA pretends that SUMMER is her STUPID STEPDAUGHTER that is having ILLICIT SEX with an UNNAMED GANGSTER, and throws a fake HISSY FIT. This gets them OFF THE HOOK with the NOSY COP.

LENA HEADEY
(to Summer)
Please don't kill random people.

SUMMER GLAU
I don't take orders from you.

LENA HEADEY
I'll tell John, then! He'll make you behave!

SUMMER GLAU
Unlike Terminators 2 and 3, where the robots from the future took orders from small children and Claire Danes, I can only take orders from Future John Connor, because he's not as much of a whiny bitch as Thomas Dekker, and this creates an Interesting Problem for you, vis a vis controlling me.

LENA makes a FROWNY FACE.

LENA HEADEY (V.O)
When Carlos explained 9/11 to me off-camera, and in this flashback you are now seeing over my voice, I thought "Hey, you know what 9/11 is like, it's like my scary dreams of the apocalypse." So, everyone in the audience, you should now be able to identify with why I am such a neurotic bitch. It's because of 9/11. Your very real fears totally parallel my fictional world of time traveling killer robots.

INT. DEAN WINTER'S HOUSE

THOMAS breaks in to DEAN WINTER'S HOUSE to look at photos and go through mail. He tries fixing a motor that has been left on DEAN'S kitchen table when DEAN COMES HOME.

DEAN WINTERS
It's me, John! Your long lost father figure! Please hug me!

THOMAS DEKKER
Don't come near me! Bad touch! Bad touch!

THOMAS BEATS UP DEAN. This is DRAMA.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE - LATER

SUMMER GLAU
(to Thomas Dekker)
We couldn't get papers forged.

LENA HEADEY
We need lots of money.

THOMAS DEKKER
I'm building a thing, and it's taking me a long time!

SUMMER brushes THOMAS'S shoulder as she walks away, and it is CREEPY. Then she and LENA go into another room.

SUMMER GLAU
I detect through my robot sensors that John is lying or something.

LENA HEADEY
Yeah, no shit. In case I haven't said this enough, I'm his mom and I know best. He obviously snuck out.

SUMMER GLAU
But, to where?

LENA HEADEY
Who cares. What else can you do? Do you have X-Ray vision? Can I get a CT Scan?

SUMMER GLAU
No, but perhaps later on in the season I will reveal more tricks.

INT. LOW-RENT APARTMENT HIDEOUT

SUMMER, LENA, and THOMAS return to the SECRET RESISTANCE FIGHTER HIDEOUT. They look for SECRET HIDDEN MONEY. There is that CAT POSTER that says HANG IN THERE BABY hanging on the wall.

SUMMER GLAU
People like small animals. This line is hilarious because I deliver it deadpan. These are the jokes, people.

THOMAS finds a safe behind the poster and SUMMER tries to open it, but then is ELECTROCUTED. The BAD TERMINATOR from earlier is climbing the stairs to the apartment.

THOMAS DEKKER
Shit! How long did she say it takes terminators to reboot? I shoulda paid attention!

LENA HEADEY
I want the safe open! Do it, John!

THOMAS opens the safe, despite it just five seconds ago ELECTROCUTING his ROBOT.

THOMAS DEKKER
The key code is the date for Judgement Day because that is obvious and contrived.

LENA grabs the money in the safe and THROWS SUMMER OUT THE WINDOW. Then LENA and THOMAS run away, too.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE

THOMAS finds a BAG OF DIAMONDS amongst the LOOT from the SECRET HIDEOUT SAFE. SUMMER takes one to LENA.

SUMMER GLAU
We got a whole bunch of these. I hope they come in handy later. By the way, I'm not stupid. I know what the Tin Man is. I was just pretending to be stupid earlier.

LENA HEADEY
That's confusing.

SUMMER GLAU
No, I only just now have had time to explain that when you read John The Wizard of Oz as a child he really liked it but never told you that, so here I am to tell you.

INT. STUPID HIGHWAY WORKER'S HOUSE

The BAD TERMINATOR from the PREVIOUS EPISODE walks in. He is wearing a BIKE HELMET because obviously he's just got some RANDOM DEAD DUDE'S HEAD on his TERMINATOR BODY.

STUPID HIGHWAY WORKER
Taunt! Taunt, you big dummy! I'm going to poke you in the chest! I like provoking strangers that wander in to my house.

BAD TERMINATOR KILLS the STUPID HIGHWAY WORKER. Then he TAKES HIS SKULL BACK.

INT. CARLOS'S HOUSE

SILENT LATINA is giving SUMMER a MAKEOVER while LENA collects her FAKE IDs from CARLOS.

CARLOS
(speaking in Spanish)
Sarah Connor has a nice ass.

LENA HEADEY makes a FROWNY FACE.

INT. DEAN WINTER'S HOUSE

DEAN WINTER'S NEW WIFE
You're acting strange.

DEAN WINTERS
Yeah, I'm a jackass. Also a meth head beat me up and not my former stepson who died.

DEAN WINTER'S NEW WIFE
This scene was almost totally pointless.

DEAN WINTERS
They paid me for two days of work.

EXT. CITY STREETS

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)
I like having fake identities but John hates it. Man, I really hate killer robots from the future.

INT. ENRIQUE'S HOUSE

LENA HEADEY
(pulling a gun)
Enrique, I think you're a dirty liar.

ENRIQUE
Please don't shoot me. I'd like to become a regular cast member.

LENA HEADEY
Your nephew called you a snitch in Spanish, and I overheard it.

ENRIQUE
I'm totally not a snitch! Except that one time!

SUMMER walks in and SHOOTS ENRIQUE IN THE CHEST.

LENA HEADEY
Gah! Why did you do that?

SUMMER GLAU
Because despite being such a kick-ass fighter, you probably wouldn't have shot the snitch.

LENA SLAPS SUMMER IN THE FACE. SUMMER looks STUNNED because she is a KILLER ROBOT and she just got BITCHSLAPPED.

LENA HEADEY
You don't know me! Shut your face!

The sound of police sirens fill the background, which is a REMARKABLY FAST RESPONSE TO GUNSHOTS. They LEAVE.

INT. CONNOR HOUSE - NEXT DAY

SUMMER and THOMAS are practicing their BACKSTORIES from their FAKE I.D.s.

SUMMER GLAU
Where are you from?

THOMAS DEKKER
Lawrence, Kansas, just like those Winchester boys.

LENA HEADEY
Also, your dad is a dead hero.

THOMAS DEKKER
Whatever! I hate it here!

LENA HEADEY
Go to school and shut your face! God!

INT. ENRIQUE'S HOUSE - CRIME SCENE

RICHARD T. DECKER listens to a tape recording from ENRIQUE that implies he was about to SNITCH on SARAH CONNOR. Thus, it is OKAY that SUMMER SHOT HIM IN COLD BLOOD.

CLOSING MONTAGE of THOMAS and SUMMER going to school, the BAD TERMINATOR WITH THE DEAD HEAD walking around, and LENA going to the DOCTOR'S.

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)
Shit happens. Trust no one. Fight the future. Know thyself. Every episode's gonna end with a pensive voice-over, so get used to it.

FADE OUT.

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