WE ARE EQUAL OPPORTUNITY HUNK.

Merlin: The Wicked Day
Oh, it's wicked, all right.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 2
Arthur sacrifices himself for Camelot... almost.
Merlin: The Darkest Hour, Part 1
Morgana unleashes a ghost army on Camelot.

BSG Episode Nine: Tigh Me Up, Tigh Me Down

Previously, on Battlestar Airlocktica: Roslin shoved a Cylon out of the ship's airlock without an ounce of compunction. But not before he tells her that Adama Is A Cylon. Also, Sharon #2 has betrayed her Cylon buddies and decides to go on the run for real with Helo.

Roslin is on the Galactica, trying to act like everything's normal and she doesn't suspect Adama of being a robot. Adama tells her that Baltar has finished his Cylon detector, but only one person can be tested at a time and it takes hours to finish the test. Roslin suggests Adama go first, and Adama points out that if he's a Cylon, they're all pretty screwed. Roslin titters and it is CREEPY, y'all. She insists that Adama goes first, and he finally agrees.

Billy and Dee are on their first date! (She claims it's not a date, but they're canoodling, so it's totally a date.) They're in some sort of make-out room that I suppose the show is trying to pass off as an observation deck, but it's not fooling me, show. It's full of couples. At least one person has snuck some Boone's Farm up in there, guaranteed. After some kissing, Dee reveals to Billy that Adama has been making secret unlogged calls. How fortuitous that the ship's communications officer is screwing around with the President's assistant.

Back on Space Force One, Billy is telling Roslin all about the suspicious phone calls. Roslin agrees that Adama has been acting squirrelly for a while now. Billy tries to explain it away as stress, but Roslin posits "What if it's not?" I think Billy wants to tell her she's smoking too much Chamalla, but instead insists that they can't possibly entertain the idea of Adama being a cylon. There's a weird shot of Adama grimacing snuck in to the end of that scene. I don't know how that's supposed to be any sort of indicator, as Adama is always grimacing.

Baltar is contemplating suicide when he thinks about the the 47,000 and some people he'll have to test for Cylon-ocity. Since the test takes 11 hours (11 hours!!), Six helps him out by calculating that it'll take 61 years for Baltar to finish all the tests. Instead of suicide, he opts for sex -- but when your partner is imaginary, it's really more like masturbation than sex. Which Starbuck walks in on. She wants to be tested immediately.

Everyone's favorite booze hound, Colonel Tigh, is feeling pretty sad about that fact that his adulterous wife was blown up in the nuclear holocaust. He's pouring out the last of his booze. (What are you doing, Saul? What will you drink?)

A Cylon Raider recon shows up, and Tigh finds out that Adama is missing, having gone off mysteriously in a Raptor. He deploys the Viper squad. (I love when the Vipers go out and shoot stuff because their guns make this awesome repetitive muted noise that rocks the subwoofer, which is what I put my feet on when I'm recapping. It's like a free foot massage.) The Cylon Raider jumps away before they can get it, but then jumps right back. They figure that its FTL is wounded, so Tigh orders that they survey the Raider to find out as much about it as they can before they shoot it down.

That's when Adama shows up on the Galactica on his Raptor, with a surprise: Ellen Tigh, Saul's wife! Ellen, who supposedly caught the last flight out of Picon right before it got blown up, has been unconscious for this entire time aboard the Rising Star. This is extremely suspicious and immediately sends up red flags with the entire viewing audience. Ellen and Tigh immediately start drinking everything alcoholic in sight. She's also kind of whorey, which is another red flag, as we know most of the female Cylons to be slutbots.

Baltar smarmily answers the phone and it turns out to be Roslin, demanding the results of Adama's tests. She finds out that Adama canceled his test quite some time ago, in order to test Ellen. Roslin commands Baltar to resume the test on Adama.

Tyrol and Starbuck are examining the Cylon Raider that's been flying around in circles outside, trying to better understand the Raider's FTL drive. Roslin is meeting with Tigh to tell him she suspects Adama is a Cylon; Tigh is understandably ruffled by this accusation. When Tigh tells Roslin that Adama was off finding his wife, and not being a robot, Roslin does a convincing "Oh, that's great news, and I'm totally not freaked about the fact that Adama is testing your wife for Cylonitude right now!" act. When Tigh leaves, Roslin re-orders the testing of Ellen.

At a dinner party with Adama, Apollo, Roslin, and the Tighs, a very drunk Ellen flirts shamelessly with Apollo, including shoving her foot up his crotch (which is the universal television sign for "Whorebot!"), and grabbing his ass. After the Tighs leave, there is a some conversation about how Ellen is a whore. It's actually a pretty funny scene for a show that's usually about the annihilation of the human race.

In the hallway on the way back to their quarters, Tigh and Ellen do some stumbling and making out. Baltar runs in to them, and there's more flirting from Ellen. Number Six appears and says that Ellen should be watched out for. Tigh is not happy about the flirting, so Ellen claims that Adama made a pass during dinner, in addition to Adama's knowing for some time that she was on the Rising Star, where he would try to touch her in her sleep.

Back in Baltar's lab, Apollo, Adama, and Roslin are awaiting the results of Ellen's test. The test isn't quite finished, however, because Baltar had to stop and start it several times. Ellen and Tigh stumble in, and the truth comes out in a wacky "You thought? ..but, I thought... Oh, fiddlesticks!" type conversation. It probably would be a more serious conversation if the background music wasn't plinky-plunking in a "this is not serious! laugh!" manner.

Out in space, the damaged Cylon Raider has righted itself and is sending out a distress signal. Adama orders it destroyed. Starbuck suspects the ship was just playing wounded to see how they'd react. The Raider attempts to run itself into the side of a ship in the fleet, and a Viper shows up out of nowhere to shoot it down. Turns out that Tigh launched the "alert fighters" before the other Vipers were launched by Adama? Adama and Tigh come to a "we're friends, let's be friends and forget your whorey wife" agreement, and Ellen's test comes back negative.

In a side conversation with Imaginary Number Six, Baltar admits that all tests these days will come back negative, because it's just faster to get through them that way. When Six asks if Ellen is really a Cylon, Baltar says "I'll never tell!" I really don't think I'm supposed to find Baltar this adorable, seeing as he's supposedly the villain and all.

Meanwhile! Back on Cylon-Occupied Caprica: Helo and Boomer #2 avoid the eternal rainstorm by crawling through the sewers. It's just as sexy as it sounds. Helo wonders why the Cylons have intensified the search for them, and Boomer #2 lies, lies, lies.

Share |